Page 126 of All Our Secrets
Whatever his expression might have been, I couldn’t see it for the tears blurring my vision, so I left before I could.
Chapter Forty-Seven:
positive
Peyton
Ialmost didn’t make it to the bathroom before I threw up last night’s snack. As soon as I stepped inside the gas station and smelled the breakfast food at the dairy bar, the sickness hit me all at once.
I cleaned up, then drove to work. My mind went a hundred different directions along the way. The fatigue, the dizziness, and the sudden sickness.It can’t be.I hadn’t missed a pill since I started taking my birth control. But I was nauseous again by the time I made it to the school.
I dry heaved over the toilet in the staff bathroom, and after cleaning myself up again, I took a long look in the mirror. I splashed water on my face and took deep breaths, working to calm my racing heart and the nerves climbing up my throat. When I stared back into my brown eyes again, I shook my head. I couldn’t be pregnant.
Maybe it was stress. On the way home, I’d stop and buy some tests.
_____
Positive.
I picked up the second.
Positive.
Third.
Positive.
I propped myself against the bathroom sink, my heart hammering in my chest. The tears poured down my cheeks before I could help it. I flattened my palm over my stomach. Another baby.Silas’s baby.Our child grew inside me.
Five positives, and I still couldn’t grasp the idea. We’d never used protection. I wished I didn’t remember the feel of him inside me. The bare sensation of him stretching me, spilling inside me. Over and over. A sudden desire blossomed through my body, dampening my panties.
My body shook. I looked at the tests again.
My phone rang then. When I stepped into the room, Silas’s name flashed on the screen where it rested on my bed. I hovered my hand over the device, then retreated and walked over to T.J.’s crib instead. He smiled at me when I leaned over him.
As soon as the phone went silent, the overwhelming need to run over and call Silas back hit me. I gripped the crib. When things got tough or scary, I always called Silas. But I couldn’t do that now. I couldn’t call the one person I needed. We were broken. All our secrets had destroyed us.
I was carrying his baby inside me. Staring down at my stomach, I placed my palm there.
The anger came so easy, but needing him, wanting him, waseasier.Each second, I missed him more than the last. His persistence should irritate me, but I waited for the crumbs of him every day.
But beyond that, I also remembered how he’d disappeared on me years ago. He had given up on us before we had even begun. In a way, maybe I was still waiting. Not because of his betrayal, but for him to stop trying and leave again.
______
Faye, my doctor, flipped through a sheaf of papers. “Looks like you’re around five or six weeks.”
All I could do was blink. “But I never missed a pill.”
She crossed her arms. “There’s always that 1 percent chance, Peyton, but…” She looked through my chart again. “Did you finish up the entire packet before you stopped using a condom?”
Condom? What condom? All I could think about was having Silas inside me. Why would I want anything between us? I could feel the blood draining from my face. Oh Jesus. It was me. Of course. Protection had never even occurred to me with Silas. If I remembered correctly, I hadn’t finished up the first month of pills before we… I covered my face. How could I be so careless? What would Silas think? My stomach churned.
“Hey.” Faye patted my shoulder. “It’s okay. You’re not the first new mommy to get pregnant right away, and you won’t be the last. Women areveryfertile after giving birth.”
I held my stomach. “I’ve been taking my birth control this entire time. It won’t hurt the baby, will it?”
“Just throw them away. Your levels look good but get rid of them.”