Page 36 of Fervor

I felt like a zombie, just going through the motions. We’d been back in town for a couple of days, and today was my first dayback at work. I had barely talked to anyone, even Giselle. It was her first day back as well. She’d been watching me all morning. She knew how I was, so she didn’t want to be pushy. However, I knew she was extremely concerned.

I hadn’t seen Harlem since we’d been back, but he’d texted and called every waking moment. My heart was heavy and filled with fear. My turmoil was hurting him, but I couldn’t seem to make it stop. We had an appointment with Arranged Hearts in two weeks, and I didn’t know if we would even be together when that time rolled around.

After checking a patient after Missy was done cleaning their teeth, I made my way to my office. I sat at the desk and brought my trembling hands to my face for a moment. When I lowered them, I saw Giselle standing in my doorway with a bouquet of roses. I knew they were from Harlem. It couldn’t be from anyone else.

“You can set it on the table. Thanks.”

She nodded and did as I requested. Once she set them down, she stared at me. “Have you called Mama for an appointment?”

“I left her a message this morning, requesting an emergency appointment. She probably already had a client.”

Giselle nodded. “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Did Arranged Hearts get it wrong?”

I shook my head quickly. “There was no way they could have known. He’s perfect. Everything I’ve ever wanted, housed in a thug-like personality. I was able to get past that though. He’s just connected to some things that traumatized me in my childhood. It’s no fault of his. It’s me and whether I can get past it.”

She nodded again. She didn’t push for details, and I was happy about that. Had I started talking about it, I would have had to cancel my day. I stood from my seat and pulled the card from the stem to read later. There was no way I could read his words of love. He hadn’t expressed feelings of loving me, butthat was exactly what it felt like every time I was near him. The man really worshipped the ground I walked on.

When I set it on the desk, I looked up at Giselle and asked, “How’s my baby?”

She smiled. “Spoiled already. Gentry holds her all the time. He sleeps with her. She’s only six weeks old, and she smiles whenever she sees him. If he walks away without picking her up, she whines.”

G rolled her eyes as I chuckled. “That’s his baby. His first baby. I think that’s sweet,” I said as I felt an aching in my heart.

At this rate, I would never have my own children. I had better accept that. Before I could stop it, a tear slid down my cheek. Quickly swiping it, I asked, “Can I come over after work?”

“Nique, you never have to ask permission to come over. I’m worried about you though.”

I gave her a tight smile then closed my eyes for a moment. I nodded as I opened them. “I’ll be okay.”

“I don’t doubt that, but aren’t you tired of just being okay?”

My body shuddered at her words. I wanted to feel like I did a few days ago. Before that dreadful night, I felt like I was living in euphoria. I had made it to the place people often fictionalized. It was definitely real to me. Harlem had made all my dreams come true. I felt real romance… an overload of it.

Glancing up at her, I nodded but refused to get into it. She grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze, then left my office. I needed to regroup just that quickly. However, when I sat, I saw the card. Doing something I vowed I wouldn’t do until I got off work, I opened it.

Yunique,

Hey, baby. I hope these flowers brighten your day. If you’re still feeling like I am and like you were when we went our separate ways, I know you feel like shit. I’m sinking without you, baby. I miss you so fucking much. I can’t seem to function. I’ve been holed up in this house, staring at the walls, wishing that your laughter and sounds of passion would fill it. I need you, and I know you need me too. Please tell me we can see each other again soon. Feeling this way is foreign to me as an adult, especially about a woman.

You are a part of my soul, Nique. A man can’t live without a soul. I feel like I’m dying without you, girl. You make me whole… you give me purpose… you make me feel free to be me. Please don’t take that away. In such a short amount of time, you’ve buried yourself deep within me. I love you, Nique, and I’m not above begging. I won’t ever stop trying to convince you to come home. You are the only woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. Only one thing will stop my pursuit of our happily ever after. Death.

Please call me so I can at least hear your voice. Please…

Harlem

I broke down at my desk, and when I felt Giselle’s arms around me, I knew there was no way I could continue my day. Harlem’s words of love and devotion had taken over and sent me straight into an anxiety attack. I jerked away from her, desperately trying to catch my breath. Nothing was working. The sweat was pouring from me, and I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown.

Everyone’s voices were muffled, but they looked as frantic as I felt. I was pacing back and forth as they tried to subdue me and get me to breathe. Them crowding me only made it worse. Theroom was spinning, and the colors seemed to fade. My blinks were getting longer, and I was struggling to keep my eyes open just as I was struggling to breathe. I grabbed Giselle by the hand and looked into her eyes before I gave up.

My fight was gone, and I succumbed to anxiety, depression, and panic, forgetting the love, faithfulness, and euphoria I felt less than a week ago. I could no longer fight what seemed to be my fate. I closed my eyes and disappeared into the darkness I felt in my soul.

“She was rushed to Tallahassee Memorial. She passed out at work during an anxiety attack,” Vegas said.

My heart sank. I wanted to be there for her, but I felt like my presence would only make things worse. “A’ight, man.”

“Harlem, listen, man. Fuck allat other shit. Kee and I can’t get there as quickly as you can. Go see about her.”

“I’m the reason she’s there. I told her Mo was my father. Did she tell y’all that shit?”