Page 35 of Fervor

“So when did you have your interview?”

“Friday morning. In my mind, you were already about to get married to someone. I just wanted to move on, although I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I knew I had to stop eventually.”

“Why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you stop the wedding? You had to know I would find out! Harlem! I fucked the son of the man that traumatized us! What the fuck! How am I supposed to deal with that?”

I went back to throwing clothes in my suitcase as he watched me. When I saw him approaching, I backed away from him. “No! Don’t come near me.”

“Yunique, I’m still the man you’re getting to know. I’m not lying about anything, and I’m not being pretentious. Everything you know about me is who I am. Please…”

“You withheld that information from me, because you were only thinking about yourself!”

“I was thinking about you! I didn’t want to set you back on your journey to healing! I didn’t want this to happen!”

“Well, guess what, nigga? It happened! I gotta get out of here. I can’t be in here with you right now. I caaaaan’t! This shit hurts so bad!”

I fell to my knees and balled up in the fetal position. I was in such turmoil from this. My head was fucked up, and karma had found my address. I often wondered how I would have to pay for what I did to Keke, and this had to be it. Revealing to her what Mo had done to her, when she had no recollection of any of it, was wrong. I’d unnecessarily traumatized her. She was behind the reason why Mo was dead.

When I felt Harlem’s hands on me, I quickly scooted away from him. “You know why he’s dead? He’s dead because I revealed to Keke what he’d done. Now I know how she felt to be gut checked. This shit hurts, Harlem! Fuck!”

His lip was trembling as I sat here practically pulling my fucking hair out. I took a deep breath because I could feel an anxiety attack brewing. My lower back was tightening, and that was what it usually did right before it started to spasm. I closed my eyes and continued taking deep breaths.

“I’m sorry, Yunique. When I saw that I was about to marry you, I didn’t want to stop it. I guess it was somewhat selfish. I wanted you, girl. You rocked my soul before I even met you. I chose you as my dentist just from looking at your picture online. I was attracted to you. After meeting you that day, I realized your picture didn’t do you justice. I wanted you before I even knew those details.”

I opened my eyes and stared at him for a moment. He wasn’t looking at me. He was sitting on the bed, facing the bathroom area, with his head down.

“You are so gorgeous and just everything I ever wanted. My sensitivity rarely shows itself, but I found that whenever I was in your presence, it was at the forefront. Hell, even thoughts of you caused it to shine through. I’m at my best when I’m near you,baby. I’m sorry for what that nigga did. I had no feelings about his death, and I knew that Vegas did it. Now that I knowwhyhe did it, I can thank him again for taking his despicable ass out of here.”

I scooted to the bed and rested my back against it as I stared at the floor. My breathing was somewhat labored again, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I left my medicine at home unintentionally. Standing from the floor, I got in bed and did what Vegas had me do a few weeks ago. I lay on my back and lifted my hands above my head then took deep breaths. My eyes were closed, but I could feel Harlem’s gaze on me.

He was everything I wanted in a man… everything. His admission fucked me up mentally though. I didn’t see a way for us to be together this way. Every time I looked at him, I would see Mo. His admission seemed to knock me back to square one.

“Yunique?”

When I opened my eyes to look at him and saw Mo’s face, I panicked all over again. I hopped up from the bed and quickly ran to the back door, butt ass naked. I stepped out on the porch and literally wanted to dive in the water. I couldn’t even swim that well. This shit was controlling me. It seemed whenever I thought I was better, something would happen to drag me right back to it. My trauma had me in its possession and refused to let me go.

I sobbed uncontrollably after flopping down in the chair. This trip was perfect until now, but this shit overpowered every emotion I’d felt since we’d been here. Even after death, Mo still held me in the palm of his hands, threatening to kill me at every turn. Standing from my seat, I went back inside, trying to calm down enough to talk to Harlem without screaming. When I walked in, he was in the kitchen, and he looked to be making tea. I knew he was making that for me. I was a tea drinker versus coffee. He’d learned that about me on this trip.

When he looked at me, I averted my gaze, then went to the chest to get clothes to put on. I wanted to leave, but I knew there was nowhere to go. There were no flights leaving out until the flight I was supposed to be on… with my husband.

As I got dressed, I heard music playing. Glancing at the kitchen area, I could see Harlem staring at me. I remained still, listening to the words. It was saying that he wanted to love me through it. That shit only produced tears once again.“If I love you through it, will you be there on the other side?”

I made my way to him and finally stared into his sad eyes. It was like I could see through them to his soul. This wasn’t his problem. It was mine. I couldn’t see past him being connected to Mo. I didn’t know if I ever would. I wouldn’t make any rash decisions right now, but I knew I needed space. I needed an extensive therapy session. I needed time to think.

Harlem slowly approached me after checking my tea. He let it continue to steep. When he got within arm’s reach, he stopped. His gaze was taking me down as it always did. I closed my eyes, but he said, “Please look at me, baby.”

I did as he requested, allowing my emotions of sadness, hurt, anger, and anxiety to all to expose themselves at once. I felt like I would pass out at any moment. He could clearly see how emotionally overwhelmed I was, because he slowly reached out to me, grabbing me just as I was about to topple over. He scooped me up in his arms, cradling me like a baby, softly kissing my forehead.

He went to the couch and sat, holding me in his arms, doing his best to soothe all my feelings of deception and fear. He kissed my head again and said, “I’m so sorry, baby. I know this is a lot for you, because it’s a lot for me to even stomach. Although I knew something horrible had happened, I didn’t know the full details until our wedding day, when I was guzzling that cold water. Just… please stay here and go get your massagestomorrow. I won’t go, and I promise to give you as much space as you want.”

I didn’t respond to him. While him being connected to Mo traumatized me all over again, I didn’t want to be alone. I wasn’t afraid of Harlem, and I knew he was being genuine. This mental shit was just hard to overcome. I definitely needed time to see if it was something I could get over. Maybe this was God’s way of forcing me to get over it for once and for all. That was the only way I would be able to continue being married to Harlem.

“Let me get your tea.”

I slid from his lap to the couch and watched him go to the kitchen. He added honey to it and a slight squeeze of lemon juice. After stirring it, he brought it back to me. It was extremely hard to verbalize any of my feelings right now. I was so conflicted inside. All I could say was, “Thank you.”

He sat next to me for a moment, staring at me as if waiting to see if I would say anything else. When I didn’t, he excused himself and went out the back door. Turning to see what he was doing, I noticed he’d sat in the same lounger I was in, but he was bent over with his face in his hands. Seeing his tears moved me just as mine did him… maybe even more. For him to show me how this shit was affecting him, too, eased me in a way. He had been struggling just as I was. He was just holding it in.

I turned back around and sipped my tea. I didn’t know how I would be able to function staying married to him, but at the same time, I didn’t know how I would function without him.