Page 116 of Accepting Fate

Logan pales and scrubs her hands down her face. She said she was ready to tell me everything but now that it’s time, I can see the hurt in her eyes at the thought of saying whatever it is out loud.

Fuck. This is not going the way I thought. I want her to tell me every secret she has in that beautiful brain of hers, but now I’m scared. What has this girl been keeping from me that scares her so much that she looks like she's going to pass out?

I hug her to my chest. "Hey, whatever it is, it will never change the way I feel about you. If I haven't proven that I'm here to stay, then I will work harder and change tactics. I promise it will be okay.”

Logan lifts her head off my chest and climbs off my lap to sit at the other end of the couch. She’s facing me, but I hate that she isn’t touching me, so I pull her feet into my lap and rest my hand on them. My fingers trace her mountain tattoo.

After what feels like hours of silence, Logan softly says, "It’s not that I’ve been hiding things from you on purpose. I’ve been hiding this piece of my life from everyone for the past eight years. I’m used to it being a secret.” She pauses and looks up at the ceiling, taking a deep breath. Then she looks at me, wipes the tears away, and continues. "I’ve wanted to tell you for a while, but I was scared the minute I did, it would bring up the things I’ve been avoiding for so long.”

I squeeze her foot in my hand. "Logan, my job description involves taking people off this planet that hurt the innocent. Whoever, or whatever, is after you…I promise I will keep you safe till my last breath.”

Tears are streaming down her face and I want to grab her and wrap her in my arms, but she moved away from me for a reason. She needs this boundary to summon the courage to let down that final wall.

Logan collects herself and looks at me with something I’ve never seen in her eyes before.

It’s deep-seated pain and fear.

She folds her legs against her chest and tucks her arms tightly against her body. I reach over and grab a sweatshirt of mine that is hanging over the back of the couch and hand it to her. She takes it and puts it on.

Logan has mentioned that my clothes make her feel like I’m constantly hugging her. She doesn’t want me to touch her right now, but I hope the sweatshirt will make her feel more comfortable.

She tucks her legs up against her chest again. I wish Oliver was here to help her. He has turned into her emotional support animal over the past few months. I have started looking into ESA dogs for her but haven’t committed to one, but I will after tonight.

Logan’s voice breaks me out of my thoughts. "My mom died when I was eighteen. On my birthday.”

Holy shit, I wasn’t expecting that.

"I told you I lived in Alabama, but I originally lived in New York with my mom and stepfather before I went to college. My mom did the best she could, but she had bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. One minute, she was there and the best mom ever. And the next, she was a completely different person. That person was silent and drank copious amounts of alcohol. Every day, I never knew what version I was getting.”

She swallows the lump in her throat and glances down at her hands then back to me.

"My mom married Mike when I was young, so he was always in my life. I was always taking care of her on the bad days, and Mike worked out of town a lot, so it was mainly Mom and me until I was fourteen. Then Mike lost his job and started drinking obsessively and that’s when things changed. They would get into fights all the time and it was bad, but I just stayed in my room or went outside. Then, one day, he started involving me.”

Anger rises in my chest, but I keep my face the same so I don’t distract her.

"The fighting would cause my mom to snap into her dissociative state within minutes. She would be out of it and then he would come find me when she stopped fighting back. He was drunk every time. It started out as a slap across the face then it escalated to pushing me down the stairs. Eventually, it got to the point where I was being tossed onto coffee tables and breaking them and slamming my head against the ground. He would only stop when I passed out or stopped fighting him off.”

Motherfucker.

"Mom never knew because when she was in her other world. She wouldn’t retain anything, even if it happened right in front of her. I tried to get her to leave him but, because she didn’t remember anything, she never believed me. And then, well…things changed again when I turned seventeen. Mike’s abuse turned sexual. It was never physical, but he would make comments about what he was going to do to me the night I turned eighteen.”

I’m going to fucking kill him.

I take a deep breath as she continues, "That night you came over here and I had a nightmare? It was about him. It was a couple weeks before my birthday and he got into it with Mom. Things escalated and I threw a snow globe at his face. I tried to get Mom out of the house, but it was no use. He threw me down and broke another coffee table. That’s why I have so many scars on my back. He hit my head on the ground so many times that I blacked out but not before hearing his promises of my birthday. The next day, I tried to talk to my mom, but she said she couldn’t leave him. At that point, I was hopeless. I made plans to kill myself the next day because I was done. I couldn’t handle the abuse and feeling of being trapped anymore. But then, Mom had a good day for the first time in a while and I tried one last time and convinced her to leave him.”

Logan’s eyes go deep in thought as she pauses. A small smile spreads across her face but quickly morphs into sadness. I can see the pain and struggle it is for her to share this. "She said to wait until my birthday and that’s when we would go. But I walked into the house that morning and found her dead in the living room. There was a note saying Mike would take care of me and I ran. I got rid of everything that he could track me with and ended up in Alabama and met Allie. She never asked questions and her family took me in. Then I moved to Seattle because my mom loved watching that show that is based there. I got a job at MRMC and have been here ever since.”

I nod my head, processing everything she just said.

"I hate him, Bear. I really fucking hate him. He broke me and my mother. And because of him, I have had to live my life in fear of what lurked in the shadows. I’m tired of being this shell of a person who can’t share and enjoy my life, in case he is watching and tries to hurt the people I love. ”

Her voice breaks and I can see the defeat and exhaustion in her eyes. “I am so tired of living a scared, unhappy life. I keep everything as private as I can so that he can’t find me. That’s why I don’t have social media and obsessively lock my doors. I had cameras up in my apartment when I first moved here, in case he was stalking me, but took them down when Harper stayed with me. I didn’t want her asking questions. And now, all that fear I worked to get past is back. I feel like my life is imploding when I’m finally happy and it fucking hurts like hell. I’ve been hiding and running for eight years and I’m fucking exhausted. I just want to be free, and he won’t let me.”

My heart constricts in my chest. "Angel. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Logan has been watching me help all these victims get justice but the entire time she has been stuck in her own nightmare.

She shrugs. "I know. But I need you more now than ever.”