Page 26 of Accepting Fate

I plug my phone back in and set it on the nightstand. Just as I go to turn off the lamp my phone lights up again.

Grayson: Angel you’re the only one I want to impress. Good night beautiful.

I turn the light off and flop back onto my bed. I stare up at the dark ceiling and try to gather my thoughts.

I need to figure this shit out. I barely know this guy but something about him makes me feel safe. I don’t know if it’s because of how he was with Lily and Alana or how he almost made me forget about the pain of the tattoo earlier. I feel myself wanting to let him in, but I’m also terrified the moment I do the cloud of happiness will disappear and all hell will break loose.

If there’s anything I know for certain, it’s that ifhe who shall not be namedis waiting for his chance to attack, he will wait until I’m openly in a relationship with someone. All of my past FWBs, I’ve been very discreet about where we went to blow off steam. In college, the guy lived in my dorms so I could just walk around within the building. When I moved here, I never left the hospital with them. I would either pick an on-call room or drive around for about thirty minutes before going to their apartment which luckily had a parking garage that connected to lofts above.

I can’t hide Grayson. He’s a big guy and judging by how he saved Lily and Alana, I assume he knows how to hold his own in a life-or-death situation.

Still, if anything threatened his safety, I would never forgive myself. I want to call off everything and try to push this man away, but I want to know what it’s like to not live in fear for once.

Why should I have to sacrifice something that could make me truly happy for the first time in years because I’m scared of something that may not even be a threat anymore?

Who am I kidding, he is still a threat but I’m fucking tired of living in fear.

Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and try to calm myself from the panic I can feel rising in my chest. I touch my arm and gently squeeze it. In the years of having these moments, I have found that squeezing my arms helps ground me.

After a few moments, I calm myself down and start drifting off to sleep. I go to sleep knowing that my mom would hate that I have lived in the shadows of fear for so long. Although she couldn’t escape, I know she would hate for me to ruin my life by not taking the opportunity to be happy.

I make a promise to myself that I will attempt to let go of some of this fear and try things out with Grayson. If not for myself but for my mom. I will rewrite our story and make it a damn good one.

Chapter Nine

Grayson

It’sbeenoveraweek since Logan walked into the shop. She wasn’t lying that her schedule is insane, so my hopes for seeing her within a few days quickly went away.

On the bright side, we have been texting almost every day. I have caught on to when she is at work or at home. When she’s at work, her texts can either come back-to-back in a short period of time or hours apart and are typically short. When she’s home, the conversation flows freely.

I want to ask her when we can schedule our date, but I also don’t want to seem desperate. I don’t care what people think of me, but I don’t want Logan to think I’m some sort of clingy weirdo.

Getting to know her through texts was something I was unsure about at first. Yeah, I wanted to keep talking to her, but I wanted to see her in person. I want to see what her reactions are if I say something funny. I want to see her face get red when I tell her how beautiful she is. Most of all, I really want to see her get sassy and put me in my place when I get too cocky.

As much as I want to get to know her in person, this way almost seems like it’s letting her be herself and relax, without the pressure of the outside world surrounding her.

In the past week, I have learned that her favorite color is teal. She is twenty-six and has lived in Washington for over three years. Emergency care was her first and only choice when she became a nurse. Her favorite animal is an otter. She went on to explain how they love to cuddle, and they hold hands when they sleep so they don’t drift too far away from their partners.

She followed up with a series of photos showing otters cuddling and holding hands. I must have looked like a freaking idiot smiling at my phone because every time she sent me a picture, I imagined her smiling and laughing at the adorable creatures.

Then she mentioned she had a tattoo of an otter with a flower crown. I asked where and if I could see it and she said we had a long way to go until she sent me pictures. I know she was trying to make light of an awkward situation but I assured her that I was in no rush. Whenever she wanted to reveal pieces of herself, I would take them.

I made a mental note to start looking for anything otter when I went with Mom on our biweekly thrift store outings. Mom calls it getting in her Grayson time, but I just think Dad told her he wouldn’t go with her anymore. He claims they would always come back with a car full of junk or old furniture they didn’t need and he was tired of being the bad guy when he would tell her no.

Now, when Mom and I go, she makes a point to buy him the ugliest shirt and claims that she loves it and that she would be devastated if he didn’t wear it. The man melts like putty in her hands. She makes him wear it to family dinner and sits back in her chair, working on her sudoku puzzle with a smile on her face while we tease the shit out of him. I think Dad has caught on at this point but doesn’t say anything. He loves my mom so fiercely and would do anything just to see her smile.

I don’t want a perfect relationship because truth be told those don’t exist. I want to find a love like my parents. One that is messy but is fun and perfect in its own way. Everyone has flaws but that’s what makes them human. I don’t want a girl that will do anything I ask or try to be what she thinks I want her to be. I want a girl who sees that she is an equal or more in our relationship. I want someone who will laugh in my face and call me out when I’m being cocky or an asshole. I want someone to challenge me and make me work to keep them in my life. I want someone to look at me and see the dark and twisted things I keep close and choose not to ignore them. I need a person that will make me face those emotions head-on and help me work through it, so I don’t get bogged down by the darkness.

When I looked into Logan’s eyes that day in the hospital, I saw understanding and sympathy. She related to Alana in some capacity but instead of trying to make her forget everything she went through – she gave her reassurance that she was safe and not alone anymore. She knew she couldn’t take the pain away but also wasn’t going to make her feel like she had to fight it alone.

I never believed Dad when he said that as soon as he saw Mom, he knew she was his person. There is no way that someone could just see another person and know that they were going to be together forever.

It worked out for them, but I was sure that was a rare occurrence. How I felt when I saw Logan made me feel like my dad was correct. This girl has so much to her, and I only know an eighth of what makes Logan who she is today.

I don’t want to say that I was drawn to the understanding and darkness in her eyes, but everyone has demons and I think she could be that person that wouldn’t look past the ones that haunt my nightmares. I want to feel like there is someone out there that I can share the happiest parts of my life with while being each other’s rock through the hard times. And I know it’s early, but I think Logan could be that person.

Throughout the week, we played a guessing game and I learned that she has over eight tattoos which resulted in me having to take a cold shower. Something about this girl having tattoos sends explicit thoughts straight to my dick. I have been trying to keep my thoughts PG because if I start beating my dick to the thought of her beautiful face, I know my control will be paper thin the minute I see her again.