Page 102 of Ho Ho Oh No
On my left, Maddie does the same. Then she sighs, clasping her hands in front of her chest while blinking back the tears.
It’s the most Maddie gesture she’s made all night. I love it.
I could watch her for hours.
However, Lettie has other plans. She forks her fingers between her lips and whistles, capturing everyone’s attention. “Listen up, y’all. Santa Boss Dad is ready to bestow some gifts on us before the new parents and babies need to go rest.”
Tomer approaches, holding the red bag out for me. Once I take it, he reaches behind him to pull out the Santa hat I discarded earlier. “Can’t pass out gifts without this.”
I set the bag by my feet and use both hands to don the hat.Lettie appears, holding the Santa coat out for me.With everyone watching me like Grade-A creepers, I slip it on and button it up. Might as well do this right.
Clearly serving as Lettie’s accomplice, Tomer flings the beard at me next, thus completing my ensemble.
Did they just walk behind me all night, picking up the discarded pieces of my costume?
I’ll give my daughter this much—once she has her mind set on something, she’s tenacious as hell. And the look she’s flashing my way tells me she’s expecting me to make this memorable.
Fuck it.I’m all in now.
I heft the sack over one shoulder and throw an arm out to the side. “Ho, ho, ho!”
In his stupid Buddy the Elf impression, Sawyer sneers, “You’re not the real Santa. You smell like beef and cheese.”
At this point, I don’t even bother fighting back the laughter. Besides, I love that film.
Before I recover and start passing out the gifts, Lettie breaks out in song. Totally tracks.
Her angelic voice sails around the room, bringing a smile to every face in sight.
“You better watch out. You better not pout. You better not cry. I’m telling you why. Santa Boss Dad is coming to town.”
By the time she hits the second verse, the kids have joined in. And Klein and his mother.
We’re all singing by the third verse. Except Tomer. He’s too busy staring at Lettie with sparklers shooting from his eyes.
After the song ends, the gift-giving frenzy goes by in a blur. I don’t know how it happened, but some gifts for the Amos-holes made their way into the bag.
It had to be Lettie. Candy bars, most likely from the hospital vending machines. They were wrapped with more of that tinsel that’ll haunt my nightmares for years to come. Sticky notes served as the name tags. She’s precious.
Some of the gifts stand out to me more than others.
Shep got Kri an over-the-waistband gun holster with rose gold trim. She blushed like crazy when he pointed out the color, so I am never asking about the significance. If you need me, I’ll be trying to block that from my mind.
Tomer gave Lettie a caterpillar charm to go with the butterfly on her necklace.Yep. I’m still calling it a necklace, even though the sight of him wrapping her up in tinsel has made me realize that perhaps it’s more than jewelry.
In return, she got him a gold, braided rope bracelet with a small key on it. That further confirmed my suspicions and will keep me up at night for months to come.
Leo got Sue a new paint set. I immediately looked away when I saw that it wasbodypaint. Once I’ve scrubbed the rose gold holster and collar image from my memory, that will be the next to go.
In the less bothersome category, Val got a flip phone for some odd reason. Judging by the handwriting on the tag, it wasfrom Shep. But it was signedFather Time. To get him back for that, Val gave him denture cream.
Klein got Mia a purple velvet fedora with a tiger-striped band wrapping around the base. A single orange feather extends from the top. It’s a pimp hat if I’ve ever seen one. You know what? Let’s move that gift to the brain bleach category.
Tomer got a new door sign for Sawyer that reads:Brasseur de marde.He told Sawyer that it meansFather of the Yearin French.
Spoiler. It doesn’t.
Sawyer doesn’t speak French like Tomer and I do. Now Sawyer will have a door sign that says Shit Disturber. And I fully support this gift.