Page 19 of His Daggered Heart
“Do you think now that I’m back with Kohen that it’s weird that I’m in here while you shower?” I rest my chin on my hands as I wait for his response.
“It wasn’t weird before,” he shouts back.
I’m honestly struggling with the dynamics of our friendship. None of this was on my mind before because I was single. Even though we are just friends and more like brother and sister, I don’t know how Kohen would feel. Or how I would feel if he had this type of friendship with a woman. Old me would burn everything and murder everyone but would I be okay with something like that today? I don’t know.
“I guess I should talk to him about it,” I shout again.
“You got that right, sweetness, you definitely should talk tohim.”I don’t miss the way he emphasized him but I’ll pretend I didn’t hear it until he is out here and I can punch him in the balls.
I lay on my stomach, quietly scrolling Instagram, when I come across Xzavien’s page. I wonder what happened to him? I haven’t heard from him, seen him, or even thought about him at all. I sit straight up, a knot forming in my throat as I think about all the chaos he caused. I truly thought he could have been what Levi is to me now.
My finger hovers over his name. Do I touch it? Do I go look? I want to but I also don’t want it to become something I keep from Kohen. I definitely don’t want to ask about X when we are still mending the cracked foundation that X was a huge part of.
I stare at it in a trance, contemplating my options. The water shuts off and I shove my phone under my pillow, guilt building in my gut. Old habits die hard, and I want to change the way I communicate. I don’t want secrets. The book I’m reading says if you’re holding a secret that you’re scared to share, tell someone. Because the fear only grows and when you speak it out loud, it loses its power. So that is what I decided to do.
Levi is pulling a shirt over his head as I spit it out. It’s not even like it’s that big of a deal but I feel like no matter what, any secret about X is big. I think it’s more so that I kind of want to make sure he’s okay. Despite it all.
“I almost checked on X.”
His eyes widen and his chin jerks back but he doesn’t say anything. He just shakes his head as if he’s disappointed.
“What?” I throw my hands in the air. He sits at the end of the bed to put his socks on and I shove him with my foot. “Levi?”
“I don’t know, sweetness. I don’t know what to say.” The disappointment laced in his tone is like nothing I have ever heard and it tears through my chest like heartache. What he thinks matters more to me than anyone else.
“I didn’t, Lee. I didn’t even look. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I wanted to look and just see that he’s okay.”
“Alex? Come on, be fucking for real.” Shock has to be splayed all over my face because he has never cussed at me or been upset with me. Not like this and I don’t understand why. I didn’t message him.
“What, Levi? I don’t get why you’re mad.” Before I know it, I’m moving to stand in front of him so I can see his face and read it.
“I’m not mad, but this is typical old Alex, isn’t it?”
“No, it isn’t. Old Alex would hide it and not say anything. Old Alex would have looked on purpose. I was just scrolling. I told you because I didn’t want to keep it a secret. Before you even walked out of that restroom, I decided I was going to tell you because I didn’t want to hide it.”
He stands, looking down at me, and I’ve never felt smaller in my life. Sure, other men have tried to make me feel small but they didn’t like me like Levi does. Any disappointment he is feeling right now is out of love, even though he did just assume.
His hand pushes my hair behind my ear and he pulls me into a hug. His voice wraps around my heart like Southern comfort. “I’m sorry, sweetness. I thought you were self-sabotaging and I was about to be really disappointed in you, as your big bro. If you didn’t seek him out then I get it, you saw it and then wondered. That’s normal, and I’m glad you told me because the curiosity would have just grown bigger and bigger until you did something dumb. You took away its power. I’m proud and I’m sorry for assuming.”
I nuzzle into his hug for a few more seconds, gathering my bravery. He releases me and I grab my phone from under the pillow and decide to block Xzavien. I look up at my best friend and something like pride fills his expression.
Me: Was scrolling insta and X popped up on my feed.
Handsome: Oh yeah?
Bubbles bounce across the bottom of the screen and then come to a halt. So I decide to send a voice message.
“Yeah, and I thought about looking and possibly just seeing how he is but I didn’t. I told Levi first because I’m here at his place… But I didn’t. I blocked him and just thought I’d let you know. I didn’t want it to feel like I was keeping a secret. Like you said, the miscommunication needs to stop and secrets feed miscommunication.”
Bubbles dance across the screen again.
Handsome: I love you, angel, thank you for letting me know.
My heart swells and I look over to Levi, and he is smiling.
“He said he loves me.” Giddiness oozes from every pore.
“I’m sure he does. You did good, sweetness. Proud of you.”