Page 20 of His Daggered Heart
Me: I love you too, handsome. we need to hang out soon.
Handsome: For sure.
“Let’s go eat, I’m starving,” Levi says, grabbing his keys and heading down the hall.
I’m putting on my Vans and can’t help but hear that little voice in my head. She’s telling me the other shoe is definitely about to drop. I shake it off, knowing that’s notmythought and I immediately replace it with a positive one. I am loved. Loved by two men and my best friend. Loved by myself. I’m happy, healthy, and healing.
Chapter 17
Kohen
Myheartisracingand I don’t know why. I appreciate Alex being honest and transparent with me. That’s obviously something I wouldn’t know without her telling me. It doesn’t change the way my body is responding, though. There’s a version of me that sits in a broken cage that is always waiting for a chance to attack. The thought of them communicating enrages me. I know she is saying they didn’t and I know we are working on shit but this is exactly why I’ve been keeping my distance. I love this girl, my pretty poison, my Angel. She was my safe place while I was her battle ground and I’m struggling with this new dynamic, this new her. Can I actually trust her? Has she really done work on herself, to be better while I was breaking apart from the bombs she set off?
I believe her but I also feel resentful towards her, and everything we went through together. The heartbreak shifted her in the direction of healing and she found Levi, while it shifted me in a downward spiral. I lost training time, so I started drinking and partying heavily again. A side of me she still does not know. I love every broken piece of her. Would she still love me?
Having to help Cora was the light at the end of the tunnel for me, so I can relate to the Levi situation now. I just can’t get over the fact that she let me think it was more than that, until she didn’t want me to, all so she could get me back. My thoughts continue to spiral out of control. I want a drink. No. Ineeda drink.
Fuck!
I don’t need one at all. I need to call my therapist and text Cora. I need to ground myself. My chest is heaving and I can’t breathe.
One, two, three… I count to ten as I take a seat on the bench in my walk-in closet. I look around, grounding myself.
I see green. Okay, focus, Kohen. Find everything that’s green. Green shoes, green shirt, green plant, green letters on my gym bag. My breathing slows and so does my heart.
My phone vibrates and I have two messages. One from Cora, and one from Alex.
Alex: I love you too handsome, we need to hang out soon.
Too.She loves me too because I loved her first. I respond so she doesn’t worry.
Me: For sure.
I move to open Cora’s text next.
Cora: Hey are you okay? I have a Dr’s appointment. I don’t want to go alone so I’m going to invite Alex. Do you want to come?
I do want to go but I don’t want to see Alex for the first time there.
Me: Yeah, but I want to talk with Alex before then. I just had a panic attack or some shit again.
Me: Don’t worry. I did all the things…
Cora: Okay that makes sense but what brought on the attack? Did you pinpoint it?
Me: Your best friend.
Cora: What!? Why!?
Me: She said she ran across X on Instagram and wanted to check on him but didn’t and blocked him.
Cora: OMG. WHAT!?
Me: Yeah.
Cora: I’ll tell her soon
Me: That’s not the point, she still cares about him.