Page 33 of His Daggered Heart
“At first I thought, I would just play with you. There was no harm in letting you fuck me and then fucking you back, so I played games. It’s what I’ve always done, but you never gave up, and you never played back, you just kept being this …” I pause, studying him, a masterpiece, a unique work of art perfectly created for me. “You kept being this amazing guy, and I felt so unworthy of your love, like you were a king and I was the mistress, and my brain kept telling me you were playing me. Like you and X were betting on me or something, so…” I trail off, ashamed.
He pulls me into his chest. “Is that what the fuck you thought, angel?”
I sniffle, “Yes, I just assumed y’all had something to prove to each other, a pissing contest to see who could get me first. I never lied to X, though I was always honest in wanting to be just friends. I always wanted you. But yes, I did use his crush on me to make you jealous…”
Shame washes over me and I feel like running away, but I don’t. I won’t, not anymore.
“I will never hurt you again, Kohen, I promise. I won’t push you away or make you feel so unsafe that you have to leave. I have done a lot of work on myself and I know it hasn’t been long and like I said before, it won’t be perfect, but I promise to always respect you because you deserve it.”
A tear falls down his handsome face and my heart fills with something. I don’t even have a name for it. I’ve never felt it before. It’s like when I first saw him after the break up- broken and disheveled. The need to make him feel good takes over all my senses. I pull him into me, desperately clinging to him like he could disappear. “Tell me I’m worth it, that you won’t hurt me either.”
“I won’t, angel, you are it for me, all I want and all I need. You are the air, a breath of love, and although I may be slightly addicted to your taste.” He kisses me “With your scent.” He inhales a deep breath, taking in my scent. ”And obsessed with your beautiful body… I promise to keep it at a healthy level.”
I bust out in laughter. “You are crazy.”
“Crazy for you.” He starts to tickle me and I screech, embarrassed that I sound like a pterodactyl.
“Kohen, stop!”
Our laughter ricochets around the room, filling me with so much happiness. This is it, this is my life, I’m so fucking proud of myself. The laughter comes to a halt and I lean in to kiss him, his soft lips parting as he darts his tongue out to caress mine.
“I love you, angel.”
“I love you more, handsome. Can I ask you something?”
He releases my hair from the bun on top of my head and it cascades around my shoulders and down my back. “Anything.”
“When I saw you…” I stare at him through my lashes, scared to know the truth to the question I’m about to ask. “When you helped me with my tire, I had never seen you like that. I know you weren’t yourself because I wasn’t either but did you sleep with anyone?” I look down at the skin exposed from where his shirt is lifted.
“No, angel, I didn’t. Couldn’t. But when I thought you were fucking that cowboy, I wanted to so bad. I was hurting so fucking bad that I wanted to hurt you back, and I almost did, but I realized something when I saw you with him at that party.” He pushes my hair behind my ear and his deep green eyes pierce me with ferocity. “I was you.”
I tilt my head in confusion. He looks between my eyes, a small smile gracing his face.
“In that moment, I realized I was you, hurt, angry, broken, and I think I had to experience that kind of heartbreak to see you, to understand you, and I decided at that moment to sober up. Decided that no matter what it took, I was going to win you back. I knew I would but I’ll be honest- I spiraled after I thought you moved on.”
“I’m so sorry, Kohen. I didn’t mean to do to you what I… I mean I didn’t mean to make you feel how I felt.”
“Shh, angel. It’s water under the bridge,” he soothes me. “I would do it all again if it got us here, got me you, healthy, loved and thriving.
“This version you see yourself as right now, Alex, I saw in you the whole time, but I couldn’t keep holding up the mirror when you weren’t really ready to look at yourself. Look, baby, look at me.”
I stare at him.
“I saw you then and I see you now. I forgive you for every single thing because I love you. I want you and choose you. This is our recovery, baby, that’s all.”
“I didn’t sleep with anyone either.” He gulps. “I tried that first night, and that’s when I met Levi, he saved me.”
He flinches.
“You saved me first, but I needed him too, Kohen. I need you to get along with him, he is important to me. The platonic friendship he gave me with no strings and no interest in me other than friendship, that’s what I needed to heal. So I agree, we went through what we did, this is our recovery, and Cora and Levi are a part of us now.”
“Okay, angel, you’re right, and I believe you. It’s just hard to be the man who wants to be your rock, your hero, and to fail. I’m grateful to him, I’m just disappointed in myself.”
“Don’t be, handsome. Everything that has happened now…it was meant to, it had to be this way. Just remember you saved me first. You showed me true love, you are my soulmate, but he is my brother.”
He scoops me up in a passionate kiss, devouring me like I’m his and I am. I always will be. Before I know it, we’re both naked and exposed, not only physically but emotionally. He plunges his fingers into my wetness. We need this connection after all that. My hips buck into his hand, my pussy aching for more of him, squeezing his fingers inside me.
“Fuck, baby, you are so sexy.”