Page 32 of His Daggered Heart

“What is it, angel?” Worry etches his features and I hate that he goes there. I know what it feels like to be ready for the shoe to drop and for your conscious to sayI told you so.

“I love you, Kohen Ventura.”

He sits up straighter. “I love you, too, Alex Monroe.”

“I think that we should talk. We keep saying we will and we don’t, something keeps coming up or it’s not the right place or time. I don’t want to waste another minute with bullshit between us.”

He stares at me and I can see the thoughts he hides in his eyes. I want him to say them and know how I hurt him. I want him to know how he scared me.

I run my thumbs along the stubble on his chin. “Tell me, Kohen. I need to know where I went wrong and need to hear how I hurt you. I want to assure you that I will never push you away again. I know we made up and that we’re both in this, but I think that there’s a lot of stuff we both swept under the rug. It’s time to clean it all up.”

“Okay,” he clears his throat and I sit back so that I can look at him. “We were toxic.”

He’s starting strong, okay. I inhale deeply, preparing myself for the truth I want.

“From the moment I first saw you, I was obsessed but it was even before that. We passed each other in the hallway and I was headed upstairs to fuck Erica.” He must notice the way that makes me wince, hearing her name. He grabs my hand and kisses my knuckles. “I smelt your perfume as you walked your sexy ass down those stairs and I looked back at you because I was captivated. I could only think about you, that perfume, your long beautiful hair, and how I just wanted to feel it between my fingers.”

Tears well in my eyes as he gently pulls at the stray hairs from my bun. “Why?” I whisper.

“I don’t know,” he admits honestly. “I hadn’t even seen your face fully, but I knew I had to go find you.” He smiles.

“Did you fuck her?”

“No,” he admits quickly. “I broke up with her for good. She got naked and practically threw herself at me, we were technically already broken up but she was familiar and easy. So even though she broke my heart, and I didn’t love her, I kept going back to her. We used each other.”

My heart is pounding in my chest. “So you two were toxic, too?”

He laughs. “Yes and no, it wasn’t like me and you. I thought I loved her and she was the end game. I wanted to please my father so it was easier to believe. It was toxic in the sense that neither of us really loved each other. I stayed even when she disrespected me.”

A pinch of guilt fills my stomach. I move off of him because it’s getting hard to breathe. He left me when I disrespected him so easily but he stayed with her when she did. The old me is battling with the new me right now and I don’t know what to think.You weren’t worth it,the old whispers, self-doubt flooding my mind.

“Is that why you left when I slapped you?”

“Yes,” he says with no hesitation.

“I wasn’t worth…”

He interrupts me, grabbing my hand and placing it on his heart. “No, angel, don’t do that. You were worth every fucking moment. I loved you and I never stopped loving you.”

“Then why?”

“Because, baby, I loved you too fucking much and it scared me. I would risk everything for you, I would do anything for you. When you slapped me, even though it was the first time, I realized that I would become my mother.”

His words hit me like a punch to the gut, tears falling.

“I’m not saying it would get there but it could have, so I left. I left to save myself. You have to understand, angel.”

I wipe my tears away furiously, only I’m not mad at him. I’m mad at myself.

“I do, handsome, I understand completely, so you don’t have to explain. You did the right thing, and if you hadn’t left and we stayed, it would have only gotten worse, more toxic.”

“I know what it feels like to think you love someone and they are the one who keeps hurting you. That was Walker. He was my Erica. Only he did hurt me, in so many ways. But it wasn’t right for me to punish you for his sins and that’s what happened.”

“I’m sorry for walking away, angel, but I stand firm that it was the right choice because look at where we are right now.”

I nod, not having the strength to speak, my throat thick with emotion. He waits patiently as I compose myself. Rubbing his thumb across the top of my hand for comfort, I swallow, ready to tell my truth. “You scared me, plain and simple. I wasn’t ready for you, in fact, far from it. I had sworn off men and here you are, approaching me relentlessly.”

He laughs and I join in. He pulls my arm, persuading me to straddle him again and I do.