Page 32 of Keeping Lilith

Decision made that she would accept Julian’s offer, she went in search of him, easily finding her way back to the kitchen, but the room was empty. A quick look outside told her where he was. He was sitting in one of the lounge chairs, wearing a contemplative expression, as though he were studying the plants but not really seeing them.

He looked as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and didn’t know how to get it off.

What was he thinking about?

Was he having second thoughts about asking her to stay with him and didn’t know how to tell her?

Indecision warred within her. Should she ask him, or should she say, “Thank you for the offer, but I’m going to stay with Cass”? As much as she liked Cass and Irish, she didn’t want to stay with them, not after seeing this place. Why did she feel this way? Everything about her change in attitude toward Julian, while confusing, didn’t feel entirely wrong.

As if he could feel her attention on him, Julian lifted his head and smiled, beckoning her to join him. The smile eased a bit of the tension, but he still carried some lines around his mouth that showed he wasn’t truly relaxed.

“How did you go? What do you think?” he asked as she took the seat opposite his.

“Do you still want me to stay here?” That hadn’t been what she’d meant to say, but now that the words were out in the universe, she was okay with them.

“What? Why would you ask that? Of course I do.”

No denying the truth of his words. His attention hadn’t wavered from her. Julian wasn’t looking away like some liars did.

Lying and saying she wanted to make sure would be easy, but Julian would likely see through her. If she wanted the truth from him, she had to be honest. So she would voice the thoughts that had been running through her mind. “Because when I came into the kitchen and saw you, you seemed preoccupied, and I wondered if you were having second thoughts.”

Julian nodded. “Right. It wasn’t that. I was just thinking about . . .” He paused. Would he be less than truthful? She hoped not. “Over the years, I’ve had time to think about what I didn’t do when we were living at Freedom and Love. All the times when I didn’t step up like I should’ve. Sometimes the guilt hits me thatI’d been so lost in the words Ralph sprouted, that my sense of decency and knowing right from wrong were non-existent.”

The last thing she expected from Julian was this level of honesty. He was baring part of his soul to her, and she would not throw it away. “You didn’t know any better. And in the end, you did the right thing.”

“Did I though? Could I have done more? Asked the authorities to do more with the victims of Ralph’s machinations?”

“What would you have asked them to do? Find houses for us? Jobs? Tell us how to live our lives? If they did that, would they have been any better than Ralph?”

Julian sighed and sat back in the chair. Had her words made him feel better or worse? Although, when she’d been floundering to make ends meet, she’d wished for guidance. Maybe that was why it had been so easy for her to fall for Staunton’s words, because he provided the support she was missing. Then again, that’s what sick people like Staunton did. They preyed on the vulnerabilities of others.

“You can’t tell me you didn’t wish you had more help,” he countered. “How many of the people who’d once been part of Freedom and Love are now part of another cult? Or worse, have harmed themselves because they were so lost they didn’t know what to do. Or where to turn.”

“You can’t take that on, Julian. You weren’t responsible for every member of the cult. There were plenty of people there who knew what life was like before succumbing to Ralph’s words. The second I got shown to that hut by Staunton, I knew I’d fallen into a trap that I couldn’t get out of. If anyone is to blame for that, it’s me. I should’ve known better. I’m the one who looks stupid and naïve, not you. If anyone is to blame for my situation, it’s my parents. They basically washed their hands of me once theymet with the authorities. They told me they were starting over somewhere else and wished me luck.”

“What?” Julian sat up, his blue eyes intense. “They walked away from you? Why?”

Lilith shrugged. “I don’t know. I was too stunned to ask questions. By the time I had gathered myself, they were gone. I ran after outside and saw them walking down the street. I called out to them, but they continued without looking back, as if they hadn’t heard me. I never saw them again.”

Chapter Sixteen

Her parents leftLilith to fend for herself!

The idea made no sense. She’d been a toddler when they’d arrived at the compound. Living in that type of environment was all she’d ever known. She’d needed guidance and help, and they’d given her none.

Guilt gnawed at his belly like a hungry termite. He should’ve ensured more support was on hand for the victims. That he’d been in the hospital recovering from his father’s attempt to kill him didn’t matter. He should’ve done something. Or made sure something was in place before the raid had happened.

How many other people had suffered like Lilith because their support had walked away?

“I’ve made things worse, haven’t I?”

Lilith’s green eyes were full of distress, dull when they’d been vibrant a moment ago. He got up and squatted in front of her, resting his hands lightly on her knees. “No. Not at all.”

“Don’t start lying to me now. I can tell my words upset you. You can’t be responsible for everyone, least of all my parents. They made their choice. They were always ashamed of me. Always berating me because I hadn’t been chosen to be a wife. I was considered an old maid in their eyes because girls youngerthan me were being married off. That something was wrong with me. I was too ugly for even the oldest man in the cult to consider taking me as his bride.”

Anger at what her parents said to her fired deep in his gut. He wanted to find them and yell at them for their cruelty. For the way they treated their own flesh and blood. “No! They were wrong. You were lucky, believe me, not to be chosen. Ralph only let people see what he wanted to see. You not being chosen was a blessing! Trust me on that.” He stood and grabbed her hands, pulling her to her feet to look deeply into her eyes. “I’m glad you weren’t chosen. I’m glad that you never had to suffer the indignity that came with being a man’s wife on that compound.”

“Why?” Confusion swirled in Lilith’s eyes. “Why was it better? Mom always told me it was an honor to be chosen. To be a man’s wife was a privilege and that my life would be complete and I would be rewarded in my afterlife. She said it was shameful that I hadn’t been picked, and that I was bringing shame to her and my father. That they were getting tired of the pitying looks everyone gave them when another lot of weddings happened and I wasn’t up there saying vows.”