Page 49 of Keeping Lilith

The gesture wasn’t huge. It wasn’t like he’d picked her up and kissed her senseless. It was a quick brush of his lips, yet she felt it through her soul. Her head still tingled from his lips. She quickly grabbed the glass of ice water she’d poured for him and took a big, long gulp. A shudder rippled through her at the coolness of the liquid, but it did the trick. It gave her something else to think about than Julian’s lips on her. And what might come.

“You okay, Lil?” Julian had put his knife and fork down, his omelet half eaten. His attention fixed solely on her and the way she gripped the glass.

What did she say? Did she tell him she’d freaked herself out by saying she wanted to sleep with him? Or did she tell him that a simple kiss on the top of her head had short-circuited her brain, and she needed a cold drink to kickstart her mind again?

None of those options appealed, but she had to say something, and she didn’t want to lie to him. “I’m nervous.”

Not the greatest answer, but it was a start.

“Nervous? Of me?”

Anyone else might take offense to her words and the implication of what she’d said, but not Julian. He took it all in his stride.

“Not of you. Of what . . .” Forming the actual words was difficult for her. However, she’d come this far, she might as well keep going. “I’m nervous about taking the next step with you. I mean, I know I suggested it before you went to have a shower, but now?—”

“Now you’re having second thoughts. It’s okay if you are. I won’t make you do something you’re not comfortable with.”

Again, with a few words, Julian had proved to her how much he’d changed from the man she’d known. That Julian wouldn’t have cared what she thought. Or how she felt. He’d have taken what he wanted and that would be it. “I know you won’t. And I want this, I do. It’s just, I don’t have much experience, and I want to be everything for you.”

She was basically giving control over to Julian with her words. Giving him the power to dictate what he wanted to do with her. Yet, deep down, she knew he wouldn’t take advantage of her.

“I don’t either, Lil.”

Lilith wanted to protest. That couldn’t possibly be true. She knew how Freedom and Love had worked. The first time she’d heard the women talking about what they had to do to the men, Lilith had been shocked and afraid that she’d be forced to deal with a man treating her like nothing. Then her one experience of sleeping with a man after she’d left Freedom and Love hadn’t been satisfying at all. It didn’t help that it was her first time and the guy she was with had tried to make it good for her, but he hadn’t been able to, and so she’d smiled and said it was fine.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Julian said after the silence stretched between them.

“I don’t think you do.”

“You’re wondering how I can say I have no experience. I won’t deny that I’ve had a lot of sex with women. That was the old me who didn’t know any better. The new me knowsthat what I experienced wasn’t special. There was no emotional connection.” He slipped off his chair and got on his knees in front of her. “With you, it’s going to be nothing like anything I’ve done before. I’m nervous too, Lil. Nervous because I want to make this special for you. Want to show you how much you mean to me. What we are going to share is going to be nothing like what I did in the past.”

Every word pierced her soul. Pierced it in a way that was going to be everlasting. “I want that, Julian. I want to connect with you in a way that means something. That it’s not just an act. I want you. I trust you.”

Julian’s smile could’ve lit the entire street with how bright it was. His eyes crinkled in the corner. “I promise you that your trust is not misplaced.”

He didn’t give her a chance to say anything more. He stood and scooped her up from where she sat. A tiny yelp of surprise escaped her, and she wound her arms around his neck. Burying her head in the crook of his neck, smelling his clean pine scent, brought a smile to her face, and she clung to him as he carried her out of the kitchen. All her nerves disappeared with every step he took. Being with him in his arms was where she was meant to be.

The softness of the mattress hitting her back had her lifting her head. Immediately, their gazes locked, and she closed the gap between them. By initiating the kiss, she was telling him she was right where she wanted to be. She lost herself as he deepened the kiss. Her hands trailing down his back until she found the hem of his t-shirt, lifting it so she could finally touch him. His skin was warm beneath her touch, but it wasn’t enough. She wanted more.

Breaking the kiss, she tugged at his shirt. “I want this off,” she demanded, surprised at how powerful she felt while being in such a vulnerable position on her back.

“Anything for you.” He paused, his shirt halfway up, but she could still see his face. “And remember, any time you want to stop, say the word, and I’ll stop.”

“That won’t be necessary but thank you.” There was no way, now that they were here in his bedroom, that Lilith wanted to stop what they were doing.

While Julian took his shirt off, she found the courage to take her own off, pleased that she had a pretty bra on. She wanted to prove to not only herself, but to Julian that she was one hundred percent on board with taking this next step in their relationship. She may not be experienced, but with Julian she felt wanton, sexy, and powerful.

Was this what it was like when a person had the freedom to do what they want? Live the way they want without having to answer to or ask anyone permission to do it? If so, she didn’t plan on letting it go.

“You are so beautiful,” he murmured, his gaze hot, warming her skin as he scanned her body.

“You make me feel beautiful.” And he did. The way he was looking at her was in a way she’d never experienced before. She much preferred it to being looked at as if she wasn’t better than a cockroach.

Julian’s gaze never left hers as he reached out and trailed a finger from the base of her neck to the cleft between her breasts. Beneath the lace, her nipples pebbled, and her breath came out a little faster. Anticipation built, waiting to see what Julian was going to do next.

Her eyes drifted shut as he traced the lace edging of her bra, then brushing over her distended peak. Lilith squirmed as desire pooled between her thighs, dampening her panties.

She wanted to be naked. Wanted to feel a naked Julian pressed tightly against her. These feelings were unusual, but she was embracing them. There wasn’t anything evil about thepassion consuming her. It wouldn’t send her to hell, the way both Ralph and Staunton had preached. A man’s desire was to be celebrated, but a woman’s duty was to allow the men to have the power over any intimate coupling.