Page 102 of Resist
What makes you think there’s something to talk about?
FOXY
Because you’ve started and stopped typing four times now.
Dammit. Stupid typing dots giving me away.
I don’t know. What if things don’t go well with Sterling, and I lose him and everyone at Protocol?
FOXY
That’ll never happen. Even if people pick sides in the divorce, they can still be friends with both of you.
MADDIE
That’s love, Cora. Putting pieces of your heart out there and being afraid to lose the people you’ve given them to? That’s what love is. That fear you’re experiencing is because you love the gang at Protocol. It’s totally normal to be afraid of losing people you love.
Leave it to Maddie to explain my feelings to me. She’s always been the most empathetic of the three of us, and the most open about her own feelings.
What if I lose Sterling?
FOXY
Why would you lose Sterling?
MADDIE
Stop catastrophizing yourself, Cor. Stop making it out that you’re some kind of unlovable monster that’s going to chase him away.
A lump builds in my throat. I’ve spent my formative years believing I didn’t need anyone, that being by myself was a strength, but lately I’m learning that I may have been wrong, Dad may have been wrong.
I’m not easy to love.
FOXY
Bullshit.
MADDIE
*sigh* I don’t know who got that into your head, but we can both tell you, repeatedly, that’s a crock of crap.
Sterling’s arm tightens around my waist, and he kisses the top of my shoulder. “Listen to your friends, Corabelle. You’re not a hard person to love, and I’m not going anywhere.”
I clear my throat, turning my head enough that his breathing tickles my cheek. “Reading my messages are you?”
“Don’t deflect. It’s an important conversation.” He strokes my arm like he’s trying to keep me calm. My gut’s telling me to flee from the bed, the conversation, and the damn apartment, too.
My relationship with Paul was nothing like this. I enjoyed spending time with him, he was good enough in bed that I didn’t want to sleep with someone else, but I never felt this fear. And experiencing it with Sterling after such a short space of time together isn’t a comfortable feeling.
“I don’t like feeling weak.”
My body vibrates as he chuckles. “First of all, it’s not weakness. Love isn’t a weakness. Not in a relationship, a friendship, or through empathy for strangers, even though we’re conditioned to believe it is. But Maddie’s right, that fear you’re feeling? It’s totally normal, and means what you’re experiencing is real. That’s the risk you take when you’re forming relationships with people.”
I shake my head. “I’m not afraid of losing Phoenix and Maddie.”
“Because they’ve known you for so long that they’ve seen all of you, and they still choose to stay. We’ll get there too, you know. If you don’t panic and bolt from the relationship because of the fear. The more we get to know each other, the more it’ll ease your fear. Though in some ways it’ll probably get worse. Don’t be chicken.”
I groan. “Thanks, that’s a very un-eggs-pectedly helpful pep-talk.”