Page 69 of Restoration
He murmurs hoarsely, “I want the absolute best for you, Autumn. So if there’s anything I can do to make you happier, to help you get what you want out of life, please let me know. Because I want to do that for you.”
He means it. And it’s so sweet and so genuine and so absolutely final that it slices through my chest like a knife. I’m not sure how I hold myself together, but I hear myself saying, “Thank you. I will.”
Then the need to escape so I can finally fall apart is too overwhelming to resist. I give his shoulder a little nudge. “I need to go to the bathroom.”
He stares down at me for a couple more seconds before he finally rolls off.
Then I’m free. Free and unbound and completely alone. I scramble off the bed and hurry to the bathroom. I’m able to close the door gently with a soft click before I burst into silent tears, leaning against the door since my legs are no longer stable.
I shake through wave after wave of grief and loss and heartbreak.
It was bad enough to try to leave him before we got shipwrecked, but now it’s like tearing myself in two and leaving half of me behind.
I have no idea how long I lean against the bathroom door, crying in silence, but I’m not even close to finished when a loud knock startles me so much I squeal and jump.
It’s Edmund. Pounding on the door. “Autumn! Autumn, baby, let me in!”
“Wh-what?”
“Are you crying in there? Let me in!” He’s loud and demanding but also upset. I can hear he’s upset.
“I’m in here!” Yes, that’s unfortunately the only reply that comes to me in this moment.
“I know you’re in there! Why do you think I want in? Why are you crying? I thought this was what you wanted! Why the hell am I cutting out my own heart to give you what you want if you’re in there crying about it?”
“I’m o-okay,” I choke out again.
“Well, I’m not okay! I’m not okay with any of this. I’m trying to be a good guy and do the right thing, but there’s nothing about this that feels right!” He’s pounding on the door again. I can feel it shaking from the impact. “Do you hear me, Autumn? It’s not right! And I get that you don’t feel the way I do, and I understand if you can’t fully trust me to be the kind of man you need. But we were good together on the island. You can’t tell me that we weren’t good together. And I think we can be good together here too if you’ll just give us a chance.”
I straighten up and turn around, staring open-mouthed at the closed door. “Wh-what?”
“And I’m sorry I’m not as noble and selfless as you might want me to be, but I just can’t let you go without a fight!”
“Wh-what?” is all I manage to say yet again.
“Damn it, Autumn, let me in! I know I never gave you reason to believe this before, but I’m sure I can make you happy. I’ll spend the rest of my life working on it. Taking care of you. There’s nothing I want to do more. And I get it if you need to leave for a while to think about it, but please don’t close the door on us completely. It’s not just that you’re the best thing for me, although you definitely are. I’m sure—I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life—that I’m the best thing for you too.”
I’m trembling desperately as I swing the bathroom door open.
Edmund is standing there, tense and urgent. His features are twisted with emotion, and his eyes are almost wild. He looks oddly unfamiliar with the beard shaved off, and the top part of his face is tanner than the bottom.
It doesn’t matter. He’s Edmund Worthing. The man I’ve always wanted him to be.
“Wh-what are you... What are you saying?” I manage to force out through the strangling tension in my throat.
He frowns like he’s annoyed with me. “I’m saying I love you! What the hell do you think I’m trying to say?”
I burst into tears again, hugging myself as the emotion wracks me. But even in the midst of the sobs, I’m able to get out, “I love you too.”
“You do?” His face transforms, all the angst shifting into awe and rising joy.
I nod and wipe at my face with the back of my hands. “I love you too!”
He grabs me. Hugs me. Then pulls back and takes my damp face in his hands so he can kiss me. “For real?”
“Yes, for real. I think I’ve loved you for years, but there was always something holding me back. I let go of whatever it was on the island, and now I love you completely.”
He’s almost laughing as he wraps his arms around me again and squeezes me so tight I can barely breathe. “Same here. Same with me. It didn’t happen like magic. It took a long time. But I liked you. Then I trusted you. Then I cared about you more than anyone else and couldn’t imagine living without you. But even then I didn’t realize... I didn’t realize everything we could be. Then one day—it was that night I was high—I suddenly realized how beautiful you are—how much I desperately need to touch you—and then I couldn’t think of anything else. I was trying to figure out what to do about it and not sure I could do anything when you decided to quit. Then I figured it was over before I ever got what I wanted because you wanted to get away and I cared more about you than I’d ever cared about myself. It wasn’t until we were on the island and I thought we wouldn’t get off that I could let myself go, but the feelings weren’t new. I was just finally letting myself act on them.”