Page 80 of Bean
I raised my brows. “You’d make a killing if you turned this place into a B&B.”
He smiled softly as I sat. “I think that’s what my grandparents hoped I’d do with it, though I don’t think either of them would be upset knowing I turned it into a rehab house instead.”
I hadn’t really thought of it like that, but it made sense. “A place to stop on their way, or a place to stay forever?”
“They’re my family,” Nash said, handing me a plate piled with eggs and toast. “They get to choose, and there will always be room for them to come back to the nest if they fly away.”
I sipped my coffee as I studied him. “Do you want them to stay though?”
He sighed as he slipped into a chair, the corner of his mouth lifting in a half-smile. “I was waiting for someone to ask me that. I’m pretty close with Heath now, but he seems shit-scared of bringing it up. I know it weighs on him since Creek hasn’t shown any signs of wanting to move out.”
“What is he afraid of?”
“Coming in second to all of us. He loves Creek, and I think he’ll accept whatever Creek wants for his future, but I can see it in Heath’s eyes sometimes. He worries about not being important. He worries Creek will always keep the distance of two homes between them.”
I hadn’t really thought of that, but it made sense. I was getting ready to move into my new home, and I wanted that home to be mine. I didn’t want to give it up. I’d always be okay with the long drive to Bean’s place, but at some point, I’d want us to be together.
Except that wasn’t on the table, was it?
“I guess that’s not really my place,” I said. I speared a bite of eggs, then snagged the hot sauce from the center condiment rack and added a liberal amount before diving in. It was divine. “Though I might ask if you have a spare room if you all can cook this well.”
Nash threw his head back with a laugh. “I have an attic, but it’s pretty nasty up there.”
“I’ll live with the spiders if I get eggs like this every morning,” I told him. And I half-meant it.
He curled his fist under his chin and rested his elbow on the table. “You really think it’s not your place to worry about Bean living here?”
I shrugged. “We’re just…”
“Don’t say just friends,” Nash warned. “We both know that’s bullshit, and you seem like a man who doesn’t suffer bullshit very often.”
I sighed and sat back, taking my coffee with me. The worry was killing my appetite, no matter how good the food was. “Obviously, I like him. A person doesn’t need physical sight to see that I’m head over heels.” It felt weird but good to say it aloud like this. “But I don’t want to be selfish.”
“You think loving someone is selfish?”
I shrugged. “Bean’s been through hell and back. When he came to me, he was as green as freshly mowed grass, and he’d been dumped by the one person he expected to spend the rest of his life with. He’s got religious trauma the size of Everest, and I know how that kind of thing can follow you.”
“You too?”
I shook my head. “No, not like that. I come from pretentious WASPs who mostly cared about appearances. But I’m also from a generation that grew up on the last vestiges of the AIDS crisis. Where that sort of thing was a middle school punchline andpeople threw around the f-slur like it meant nothing. I was out and in love before marriage was even an option for me.”
Nash sighed. “I hear you. I do. DADT haunted my footsteps, and even after it was repealed, I was still terrified for anyone to know about me. I got really comfortable cramming myself into a closet.”
I nodded. “So I get it. I get why Bean still can’t say certain things to me, even if he trusts me. And I also don’t want to stand in his way of discovering who he is and what he wants.” I swallowed thickly. “I don’t want him to choose me because he thinks no one else will ever love him the way I do.”
Nash’s face fell, and he leaned forward, snagging my hand. “I say this with all the love in my heart—you’re being a dumbass.”
I blinked at him.
“You’re a good fucking guy, Jarek. Better than most I’ve known, and I don’t say that very easily. Bean can be fragile, but he’s also one of the strongest men I have ever known. And he might struggle with his memory and with being out, but he’s a damn genius, and you should trust him to know what he wants. He’s not a fool. He knows there are other guys out there. The fact that he’s only in this with you means something. And it’s not that he doesn’t think he has other options. He’s a gorgeous man.”
I laughed, my throat a little thick with emotion. I couldn’t remember the last time someone had been so bluntly, sharply kind to me. “He is. I can’t believe he wants some washed-up old man like me.”
“Excuse you. I think you might be younger than me, and I am far from washed up or old.”
I rolled my eyes. “My statement applies to me only. But thank you.” I pulled my hand away slowly. “I just don’t want to get any of this wrong. I’ve never felt this way before.”
“Does Bean know this?”