Page 84 of Bean
But then he rolled on his back, pulling me with him, and wrapped his arms around me. I put my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, allowing my heart rate to come down to normal levels.
“You were so good,” he praised me in this soft, cooing tone that hugged me like an embrace. “You felt amazing around me, sweetheart. I’m so honored you let me be your first. I’ll always remember this.”
I was glad he couldn’t see my face because I had to be sporting the goofiest smile ever…and there was no way my eyes wouldn’t betray the love I felt for him right now.
When I got home the next morning—I was off, so I’d spent the night at Jarek’s—Nash was in the kitchen, typing on his laptop. He closed it as soon as I walked in. “Hey, kid. How was it?”
“How was what?”
“Sex. With Jarek.”
“How did you…?”
He snorted. “If you wanted to keep it a secret, you shouldn’t walk around practicing saying ‘anal sex.’ You weren’t exactly subtle.”
Oh jeez. “Sorry.”
“What are you apologizing for? If that works for you in making it easier to say things, then go right ahead. It’s not like I haven’t heard those words before.”
Right. Of course. Nash gestured at the chair across from him, and I sat down. “It was… If I say it was perfect, are you gonna laugh?”
He covered my hand with his for a moment, his eyes sincere. “I’d never laugh at you…and I’m so glad to hear that. It matters, Bean. Your first time matters, and for you, maybe even more.”
I nodded. “He made it special. I’m so glad I chose him.”
“He’s a good guy. I really like him.”
“I think I’m in love with him.”
“You think? Or you know?”
I played with the coffee spoon in front of me, unable to look at Nash. “I don’t know. I’ve never felt like this.”
“Not with Natasha?”
I hadn’t even thought of her. A strange sense of guilt filled me. I’d thought I was in love with her, but it had felt nothing like this. Being with her had felt good, and the sex had been…good, I guess? But not like this.
This had been transformative. It had changed me irrevocably. I’d never be able to go back to who I had beenbefore. “If you like men more than women, does that still make you bi?”
“Yes. Even if it was a ninety-ten ratio—and I realize it’s hard to quantify, but just as an example—you’re still bi.”
“But you’re gay. How do you know for sure?”
Nash shrugged. “I’ve literally never been attracted to women. I love them, don’t get me wrong. I think they’re amazing and ten times stronger than men, but I’m not attracted to them as anything more than friends.”
“I thought I loved Natasha…”
Nash sipped from his coffee, studying me. “But you don’t think so anymore?’
“I don’t know. It didn’t feel like this.”
“I’m no expert, but I don’t think love always feels the same. How I love you, for example, is different from how I love Tameron or Creek, yet all three of you are my brothers.”
That made sense. Nash was so good at explaining things in a way that I could understand them, even with my slightly befuddled brain. “So you’re saying it doesn’t mean I didn’t love Natasha?”
He gently shook his head. “I can’t tell you what you feel or in this case, felt. That’s for you to figure out. Though personally, I find focusing on the present and the future more productive than trying to analyze the past.”
I sighed. “If I loved Natasha at some point, I certainly don’t anymore. That changed the second she walked out on me. I would never do that to a person.”