Page 85 of Bean

“No, you wouldn’t. None of us would, but don’t forget we’ve also been trained that way. The ‘leave no man behind’ is ingrained in us.”

I leaned back in my chair, scratching my chin. “How can I figure out if what I feel for Jarek is love?”

Nash was quiet for a long time. “I wish I could tell you.”

“You don’t know?” I wasn’t being sarcastic or anything, but genuinely shocked that Nash, the man who always had answers, seemed genuinely baffled about this one.

“Nope. Wish I did though. But maybe you can do what you always do?”

“What’s that?”

“Make a list. Write it down. That always seems to help you.”

He wasn’t wrong. I grabbed my notebook from my pocket and flipped to an empty page. I could title itReasons Why I Think I Love Jarek, but that would be a leading question, wouldn’t it? No, I had to frame it in a neutral way. Or better, play devil’s advocate and come up with a list of why I didn’t love him. That way, I could see if those arguments held any sway or if I could refute them easily.

And so I started writing.

10 Reasons Why I Don’t Love Jarek

He’s the first man I’ve ever been with and that makes me see everything through rose glasses.

My brain is unreliable. I may have forgotten the bad things.

The sex is great, but sex is not the same as love.

I haven’t known him long enough to truly know him.

He’s not over what his ex did to him.

I have low self-esteem, so I’m flattered he likes me, but that’s not love.

I’m not even fully capable of love after my brain trauma.