Page 80 of Broken Pieces

Chapter Thirty-One

Raelynn

I never thought I would feel lighter after telling someone about the suicide note from Tyler. The day I received it in the mail I nearly broke down. He wrote not to show it to his dad or sisters. In typical Tyler fashion, protect everyone.

I didn’t tell Brooks about how he said he would have married me in the note. If he was a stronger man, he would have done anything to protect his family and the future family he wanted with me.

Looking back, I know Tyler was wrong. But when I was his age, I too couldn’t see past the blame and we all blame someone, so I chose to blame myself.

Never did I think sharing the burden with someone else would make me feel better. I honestly thought I would feel more guilty.

But that is the thing about Brooks. He hasn’t looked at me as any less than a person since I told him. He hasn’t treated me different. He accepted my baggage and let it go. Which is all I could really want.

Logan never accepted my baggage. He didn’t know the details about Tyler’s suicide just the loose details. But unlike Brooks, Logan held it over my head. Anytime I did something wrong he would tell me how I need to be more careful before him or someone else ended up like Tyler. Of course, he wouldn’t just tell me with words, his fists were usually involved too.

With all the time I have spent around Brooks I know he would never use a fist against me, he would never use words against me. He has become my protector almost like Tyler was. When Brooks found me on the side of the road after my stupid decision to get shitfaced that night something hit me hard in the chest, the walls I had built were cracking. Never have I had someone show up like that, out of nowhere to be there for me, support me, hold me, when I was on the edge of a breakdown or in this case so far into a breakdown the light seemed so far away, I never thought I was going to escape it.

But he took care of me without my asking. He was silent, he didn’t ask questions. He let me do what I needed to get through the day.

I am grateful, but there is that weird inkling in the back of my mind telling me to be careful, holding myself back from giving in to the feelings that are developing for a man I am beginning to think would move mountains for me.

* * *

“I am so sorry Raely I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t know how I could have forgotten,” my brother is practically on his knees as I walk through the front door of his house. I spent the entire day in bed with Brooks yesterday, half lost in thought, half trying to cure a killer hangover. Easton wanted me to come over for dinner last night, but I was queasy and Brooks thought it was best I eat toast and lay in bed. I think he just didn’t want to let me out of his sight. But I couldn’t complain about the comfort I felt being wrapped in his arms.

So here I am the next day having dinner with Easton and Harper. I feel like after my revelation with Brooks yesterday I should tell Easton. But I am not sure that I can. I’ve kept so much hidden from him since Tyler I don’t know if I can have a come-to-Jesus moment with him. Not for my sake but for his. I am worried he will absorb all the guilt and it will kill him.

He has tried to be there for me every day for the last three years. He has helped me out when I needed it. He is only thirty years old but for the last ten years he has had to act like my father, and I don’t want him to be laden with the guilt he would feel if I told him everything. He is a father now and he should only have to deal with those burdens with his own children, not his baby sister.

Harper walks up to us and gives me a hug. “I know we haven’t really spent any time together, but you know East tells me everything. I know enough. And I am sorry we weren’t there for you two days ago.”

I start to sniffle into her hair. “I should be the one who is sorry. I scared you both.”

Easton wraps his arm around me, so I am shoved between the two of them. “Rae, when Brooks couldn’t find you, when Summer and Brett didn’t know where you were; I thought I lost you. After everything that happened the last three years, I thought I lost you when you were an arm’s reach away. I never would have forgiven myself.”

I knew at this very moment I needed to tell my brother everything. I needed to let him know what my life had been like, not just the bits and pieces I fed him, but everything. I needed the guilt to be taken from his shoulders. Because without him I probably wouldn’t be here with him right now.

“I think we should sit down.”

Easton nods. Harper says she is going to finish dinner. East grabs my hand and walks us outside to the west facing porch. East knows the comfort of the sunset is what I need to tell my story. Poe sits next to us on the couch as I begin my story. I start with the party, that of which he did know about since he was the one that made sure I pressed charges. I tell him about the suicide note that Tyler had mailed me. I tell him about how broken I felt over the whole thing. How I fell back into the hole I had been in when Mom and Dad died.

“Tyler had made me feel so alive, but without him, I was lost. I turned back into my introverted self. It was why I didn’t even make it a full semester at Yale. It was why I transferred to Tennessee State.

“I had met some kids at school who weren’t the best kids and they were able to get me into bars that didn’t card. They were seedy bars, the kind of bar you would never want your kid to go. And that is where I met Logan. At the time I thought he was the answer to all my problems. He made me feel good. He introduced me to drugs. I thought it was the cure for the brokenness inside of me because nothing felt better when I was high, there were no cares in the world, and nothing hurt anymore. Until I came down, then it would hit me like a freight train. The guilt would eat me alive. I started cutting to get over the guilt when I couldn’t get my hands on drugs.” Easton grabs my hand and squeezes, his eyes sad as I give him my truth.

“Logan wanted to move out of Nashville. He was my connection to feeling free, so I dropped out of school and went with him to Louisville. I didn’t know what he was doing on the side. I thought he just worked construction. I didn’t know he was dealing drugs. I should have known since we got them so easily, but I was naïve. I didn’t realize that was why we were constantly moving around, he burned too many bridges, owed too many people money.

“It didn’t take too long for me to figure out his game. But by that time he had me addicted and I knew I couldn’t run away. I would die out in the world without the drugs and I would bury myself alive in guilt. When he realized I knew he was selling drugs that was when he started getting physical. He would beat me into silence, rape me when I didn’t want to touch him. I thought it was my penance for Tyler, so I let it happen.

“It was last November when I finally had enough and showed up at your door. But I was still addicted, and I felt like I was dying. I hated going back to Logan, but I thought it was the only way. I weaned myself off the drugs and I started stashing money hoping to one day escape. Until I finally did. That was when I came back here.”

I finally turn my head to look at my brother and he is in tears. I’ve only seen my brother cry once in his life, when our parents died. But never have I seen him look so broken before.

“Rae—I, I don’t—can’t,” he tries to get the words out. But I know there isn’t much he can say. He wraps his arms around me so tight I can barely breathe. “I never knew it was so bad. I didn’t know you didn’t feel like you could leave. I wish I had been a better brother. I wish I had known you needed me more.”

“You were more than enough. I needed to figure it out on my own, Easton. I needed to learn to get better on my own.” I sniffle as I try to say the next thing. “You forcing me back into baking was the best thing you ever could have done. It makes me feel closer to Mom. It makes me feel like the person I was years ago. I am beginning to feel happy again. It’s such a foreign feeling, but it’s real and I don’t think I have felt something this real in years.”

He runs his fingers through my hair. “You are an amazing young woman, Raely. I am so proud of you. You are so strong. And I am sorry I ever made you feel less than you were.”