Page 86 of Broken Pieces

Chapter Thirty-Three

Raelynn

I stare out the window of his room as I lay in his bed, his arms are wrapped around me. His light snores blowing his breath on the edge of my ear.

Brooks loves me.

I don’t know how I feel about it.

I mean, I do. But I can’t process it. My mind is going a million miles a minute. My heart is trying to burst from the blockades I put around it. My body wanting nothing more than to surrender to the feeling of Brooks’ hands on me. I wish I could love him. Every fiber of being is telling me it’s the right choice.

But I know the smart decision is to listen to my mind. I can’t let my heart get wrapped up in someone when I know I will lose them eventually. Whether from unforeseen circumstances or when Brooks finally decides his one-sided love isn’t enough for him.

I have never felt safer than when I am in his arms. I know he will protect me from anything that comes my way. But I can’t get over the feeling that if I let him in, it will all blow up in my face.

“What are you thinking about, Blue?” I startle when he speaks. He turns me around in his arms, so I am facing him and presses a soft kiss to my forehead.

“I don’t know what to make of us.” I give him the honest truth.

He pushes my hair behind my ear as he cups my face. “What do you mean?”

“What if this all goes south? What if years go by before I can say those three words to you? What if you realize you can’t love me anymore because I am not enough?”

He answers me with a kiss. His lips soft and tender. I can feel the love radiate from him, feel everything that he can’t find words for in that kiss. Every part of me can feel his answer in this kiss. My body and heart take over the power of my mind as I hold him tight against me, not wanting to let him go.

He slowly pulls his face away from mine, mere inches, enough so I can see into his gold-flecked eyes as he whispers, “Don’t ever think you won’t be enough for me, Rae. You healed me. You healed every broken piece inside of me that I thought I would never be whole again. You made me feel like I could love again. And the only person I could ever love was the one who showed me it was possible. Rae, you are a lighthouse on the shore. No matter how much turmoil I go through, the crashing waves I battle, I will see your light and I will get to you. Always.”

Tears spring at the corner of my eyes. He told me he loved me only hours ago yet these words he whispers in the dark mean more to me than I could ever put into words.

But I needed to trust that I could heal like he could. That one day I could love again. I needed to know how broken he was. The glimpses of his past life weren’t enough. I needed the proof so I could heal too.“How did you know you weren’t broken anymore?”

He closes his eyes in pain like the memories are too much to bear. When he opens them, they are lined with unshed tears. “You know me and you more alike than you think. Maybe it’s time I told you about Leigh. I told you I was the reason she died.” I nod my head and let him continue.

“We were young and stupid kids. I was into drugs. We both were. We made stupid decisions all the time. We were at a party and I was supposed to drive home, but I ended up drinking way too much. I was completely shitfaced. She told me she would drive. I didn’t think much of it. I didn’t know that she had been doing lines in the bathroom all night. She already suffered from bipolar disorder. She would go into these manic states. I could usually control her when she was in them. But if she used drugs in her manic state, she would be uncontrollable.

“She accused me of cheating on her as we drove. I had no idea what she was talking about but being drunk I probably didn’t fight back too much.” He scratches the back of his neck before he continues. I can see the pain the memory brings back and when I would normally push someone away when they start to talk about bad memories, I couldn’t help but wrap my arms around him and pull him closer.

“I barely remember what happened. I know it was pouring rain. I remember feeling the car go out of control. But after that, I blacked out. I woke up in a hospital the next day, handcuffed to the bed. I was told Leigh lost control of the car. We slid off the road and T-boned a tree. She wasn’t wearing a seatbelt and flew through the windshield. They said she died on impact which was my only saving grace in the entire accident. I never wanted her to suffer.”

I clear my throat, fighting back tears from hearing his story. Seeing so many similarities in our past. “Is that how you ended up on probation?”

He swallows and nods, continuing his story with closed eyes. “I had drugs on me. Turned out they were the same drugs Leigh had been on. The cops tried to charge me with distribution, but they had no proof. Charged me with possession. Luckily, I got off with just probation.”

When he opens his eyes and looks at me, the flecks of gold have disappeared. All I see are the same ghostly eyes that look back at me in the mirror every day.

“You probably think less of me now. And I don’t blame you. I blamed myself for Leigh’s death every day. Because although I might not have killed her directly, I was the cause of her death. I was the one that got her into drugs, I was the one that was supposed to drive that night.” His eyes close again, pain furrowing his face.

I grip his arm forcing him to look at me. “It was her choice to do drugs. Her choice to drive that night. Those couple years I did drugs, I never placed the blame on Logan. Yes, he introduced them to me, but I was the one that chose to do them. To use them to get over the pain of Tyler.”

He wraps an arm around my hip, pulling me closer to him. “I know that now. Listening to you, listening to your past; it helped me realize that her decisions were not of my doing. I couldn’t blame myself for her decisions. Just like you can’t blame yourself for Tyler’s. Every day I have spent with you has healed those pieces I thought were irreparable. You made me whole again. You let my heart love again.”

I listen to his words and begin to understand what he means. And maybe he is right. Maybe this thing between us is what I need to repair the broken pieces. But I know it will take time. I just don’t know how long.

I let him wrap his arms around me, my head buried in his chest. Silent tears fall from my eyes as I think about letting my past go and letting myself fall.