Page 110 of Drowning Erin
My mother decides to stay for that night’s family therapy session, and the reception desk assures us they’ll get her a ride home, so Rob and I return to the car alone. We reach the highway, and he rests his hand on mythigh.
“It’ll be good to have you back home,” hesays.
Oh, God.I’m not sure how I’m just realizing this now, but tonight will be our first night alone since we got back together. And there are things he’ll expect.I’ve slept with him a thousand times, but the idea of doing it tonight sickensme.
I stare out the window. No place is more beautiful than Colorado in August, but right now all I can see is what’s bleak—the grass that’s parched and the dry ground and the ugly highway. Everything looks dead to me, looks like nothing, and that’s what I feelinside.
I’ve just chosen a lifetime of things I don’t want—NPR and fancy dinners and boring sex—because I’m convinced this life is the safestcourse.
I squeeze my eyes shut to stop thinking, but I only hear Brendan and Sean in my head, and they’re both saying the same thing. They’re telling me I’m giving up everything I love because I think it will keep me free—from pain, from worry, from the sick parts of myself. But freedom is meaningless if you gain it by giving away whatmatters.
I’ve been confusing comfort with happiness, apathy with freedom. Just like my parents, I’m missing my real life every single day by choosing things that are empty, by choosing topretend.
I don’t want to give up dinner outside, or music. I don’t want to give up sex in a hammock, or on a picnic blanket. Or late nights with someone who will stay awake with me when my whole life is turning to shit, who knows everything ugly inside of me and wants me in spite of it. What am I getting in exchange for all of those things I’ve pushed away? Less pain, maybe. Fewer demons to fight andresist.
Sean is right. I’m as big a coward as anyone in myfamily.
He turns the radio on. Bluegrass music again. I reach out and turn it off so I can say brave words at last, really meaning them thistime.
“I’m sorry, Rob,” I tell him, “but this isn’t going towork.”
76
Brendan
Present
“How long youplan to keep doing this?” Beck asks, sliding me abeer.
We’ve been friends for a long time, but that doesn’t mean I feel like answering his questions, even if he does let me drink for free. I wrap my hand around the bottle, looking at it as if it holds answers. “Doingwhat?”
“Sitting in here alone and pissed off, drinking to forget aboutErin.”
“What makes you think this has anything to do withErin?”
He raises a brow. “Do I really look that stupid toyou?”
It’s been three days since she walked away from me at the hospital. Three days since I realized getting serious with Gabiwasn’tthe biggest mistake of my life, refusing to get serious with Erinwas.
“It doesn’t matter. It’s over. She’s marrying someoneelse.”
Beck hesitates, like he wants to argue, and finally decides against it. “Then you’ve got to move on, man. I’m tired of watching you sulk and go homealone.”
I look around. There are girls here, girls I’d have taken home once upon a time. I don’t have much interest in being that guy again, but who am I otherwise? I’mthis, the guy who didn’t pull his head out of his ass until it was too late. The guy too damn miserable to care about anything right now, even the business he once wanted sobadly.
“Something’s got to change, bro,” saysBeck.
Yeah, I guess it does. Realizing that I’m capable of commitment, of the risk involved, must be broader than just Erin. If I can feel that way about one girl, I can probably feel that way about someone else eventually. And in the meantime, I should do what I can. For the next few months, getting over the fact that Rob and Erin are married is going to be so fucking hard. I’m going to need something more than what I’ve got at the moment tosurvive.
I look around the room. No one appeals to me. Doesn’t mean I shouldn’t at leasttry.
77
Erin
Present
Isitoutside Brendan’s place. His car is here, which is a relief, but also terrifying. I know what he said to me at the hospital, but he was so against commitment, and for so long, that it’s hard for me to imagine he’s really changed hismind.