Page 111 of Drowning Erin
Either way, I don’t regret breaking up with Rob. Our conversation on the way back to my parents’ place was ugly, as I suspected it would be. He called me words I’ve never heard him utter before. He also refused to believe that it wasn’t about Brendan no matter what I said—but it was the truth. If I want to be different from my family, I need to make brave choices. I need to stop confusing comfort and happiness. My happiness with Brendan is not certain, but my unhappiness with Rob is, and that’s all I need toknow.
Except now, as I stare at Brendan’s house, I feel anything but brave. A part of me would like to sit in the car for another hour, drumming up my courage. I don’t, though, because Brendan is inside, feet away from me, and I have missed him so desperately that I can’t stand to wait anotherminute.
I climb the stairs and knock. For a moment I think I hear voices inside, and when he opens the door I know immediately that I’ve interrupted something. He’s in nothing but shorts, with sweat dotting his hairline and flushedcheeks.
And then, in the other room, I hear a voice. A femalevoice.
“Oh.” The word bursts from my mouth, along with every ounce of free oxygen in my body. The disappointment of this moment, the pain of it… it’s too much to cope with in such a short span of time.I should have known. I should have known. I was stupid.Again.
I should probably still tell him what I came here to say, but I don’t have it in me. All I want to do is get away as fast as I possibly can. I turn to leave, but he grabs my elbow before I reach thestairs.
“Erin,” he says, not allowing me to pull away. “Wait.”
When I don’t come back, he reaches a single arm around my waist and lifts me against him, holding me tight to his chest, his arm an immovable band. I feel his breath brush my ear as hespeaks.
“Why are you here, and why are you runningoff?”
“Please just let me go. I shouldn’t have come. You’ve already got someone here, and I should have knownyou’d—”
“There’s no onehere.”
My throat constricts and words barely edge their way out. “I heardher.”
He spins me to face him. “You heard theTV.”
“You’re sweating. And half-dressed.”
He has the start of a smile on his face. “I was doing push-ups.”
Part of me doesn’t want to believe him. The frightened, cowardly part that knows I’m safest by leaving here, by hating him, by protecting myself from everything that comes if I stay. I’ve been this person with him so many times that it feels natural. But I’m not going to be that girl anymore, so I do the brave thing, the scariest thing, the thing I most want to do in the world: I stay. Instead of running, I lean into him, pressing my face to hischest.
“Please be here because you broke up with Rob,” hesays.
“I did,” Iwhisper.
His exhale ruffles my hair. “ThankGod.”
“Do you still want this?” I askhim.
He tips my chin upward, pressing his lips to mine. “More,” he says, “than I’ve ever wanted anything.” He returns to my mouth, his kisses moving quickly from gentle to urgent before he forces himself to back up a step, his hands still gripping myhips.
“I can’t believe this is all working out,” I say, blinking up at him. After the drama of the past few weeks, it’s a little surreal to suddenly discover our story might have a happy ending afterall.
“It’d better be,” he replies, “because I don’t know what I’ll do if it’s not. I’ve already put way too many holes in the wall to ever get my depositback.”
I look around as he pulls me inside the door. His apartmentdoeslook destroyed. “Those were because ofme?”
“One every time we spoke, and one every time I had to hear from Rob about you guys getting back together.” He slides his hands through my hair, pressing his fingertips to my scalp. “I can’t believe you’rehere.”
He finds my mouth again, and his urgency makes me forget anything I meant to discuss. I decide that whatever it was, it probably didn’t matter all that much, but he pulls awayagain.
“Why are you stopping?” I askbreathlessly.
He flinches. “I’m trying to behave myself here, but it’s easier said than done. I haven’t had sex since youleft.”
“Atall?”
He gives a somewhat pained laugh. “I haven’t slept with anyone but you sinceTahoe, Erin. Before that,even.”