Page 23 of Never Enough
Once Alex takes in a deep breath, I shift closer and rest my head on the curve of his shoulder. It’s fine. We’re both going to be okay.
He exhales. I feel it, the tension melting away from him in the form of a shudder. Strange how small gestures can undo knots in our psyche.
Selfishly, I want everyone to know that Alexandru Whitmore and I are together. For over eight years, I’ve loved him from afar. Meanwhile, without any selfish motives, I also aspire to show Alex that he’s deserving of affection. I believe him when he says that he’s no longer actually dating Celeste, because why would he lie to me?
He wouldn’t.
Which brings me to bring up something boyfriends and girlfriends do. I’m talking about dating.
“Wanna go on a real date for my birthday?”
He turns to me with wide eyes. I clearly caught him off guard. “When’s your birthday?”
“Two weeks.” I hold my breath.
“Damn. I’m sorry.” He pulls back, the wall coming up again. “Celeste and I will still be doing this whole charade.”
My chest tightens as hurt washes over me. It’s cold and unwelcome, and reminds me entirely too much of my childhood. “Oh.”
I know that he’s taking her to homecoming, but I still hoped we could do something low-key. I don’t want to push him, though, because everything between us is too new. I’m afraid to push the boundaries he’s set in place because if I lose him, I don’t know how I’ll recover.
“I get that this isn’t easy, but Celeste and I have been together for years. I should be thinking about marrying her, not—” He clenches his jaw.
“Be here with me.” Guilt twists inside me. He’s making it sound like I’m holding him hostage or that I’m blackmailing him.
I’m so utterly confused right at this moment, and it hurts. “Peel my skin back and poke at my muscles” kind of hurt. A few days ago, he implied he broke up with her for me, and now it sounds like I’m an inconvenience.
But my heart is young and love is fickle, so I keep my thoughts to myself and decide to paddle through my own feelings. I’m used to being alone, anyhow. It’s how I survived.
I have to believe that Alex chose me. He may love her, but he still picked me. It’s not regret he’s feeling right now but guilt.
“Exactly.” There’s a harsh laugh, devoid of humor. “After you left, she was there, you know? She made me feel like someone could actually care about me. How can I humiliate her?”
I close my eyes and press my lips together. I shouldn’t have asked. Now, I’m the monster. The one who doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings but my own.
“Sorry,” I whisper, my heart sinking. “I didn’t mean—”
“Let’s drop it.” He stands up, suddenly distant. “What do you want to watch?” The question hangs unanswered as the TV flickers silently in front of us.
I pick up the remote from the side table and surf the channels until I stop on a cooking show. The chef chops onions with swift, confident movements. “This okay?”
“Fine by me.” His gaze doesn’t meet mine.
A few minutes tick by, filled with the sizzle of food and the chef’s soothing voice explaining a recipe for some kind of stew.
Alex shifts beside me. “Want anything? Snacks?”
“Certainly,” I say. His sudden energy is puzzling but welcome. “What do we have?”
“Um, chips and salsa. I think there’s hummus?” He scratches the nape of his neck, looking adorably lost in thought.
“Chips and salsa sound good.” I muster a smile, trying to lighten the mood.
“Got it. Wait here.” As he stands, I consider how we used to be and how I want us to be again. If I cannot have him in public soon, maybe I may have a piece of him again, even if it’s alone.
“Hey!” I call after him as he reaches the kitchenette. He turns, a question in his eyes.
On one of the rare occasions that I practiced the harp at his house, he cooked roasted chickpeas. He looked so adorable sprinkling chili powder, sea salt, and a drizzle of maple syrup onto the frying pan. It was nice. Back at home, my mom specialized in microwaving hot dogs and ordering McDonald’s cheeseburgers. Well, they were hamburgers. You gotta pay extra for the cheese—like, a whole dollar or two—so Mom never allowed it.