Page 106 of Jackass

“I know.” He let out a deep sigh. “You need to tell me. It’s about respect, Sammy.”

“I won’t tell you, Jack. I won’t tattle because someone said something that was true. Let it be.”

“Sammy.” He growled.

“Jack, please. If I have any hope of becoming your old lady, then I need to prove myself to them. Telling you that someone said something mean but true, is not how I earn their respect.”

I saw the moment he relented. I watched his eyes soften at my words.

“Ok, Sammy. I get it.” He pulled me back into his chest and wrapped his arms around me.

“What are we doing, Jack?”

“We talked about it in church this morning. We’re working on a plan to find Carrie.”

“No, Jack. I mean, you and me, what are we doing?” I asked.

I felt him stiffen behind me. I didn’t know how to read that. I laid there against him and waited for him to answer.

“I love you, Sammy,” he whispered.

“I love you too, Jack. But is that enough?”

“I don’t know, Sammy. No one ever taught me about love. I didn’t have parents to teach me right from wrong.”

“I had parents, Jack. They didn’t teach me about love,” I explained. “Charlie taught me about love. From the moment I knew she existed, everything I thought I knew about love was wrong.”

I sat forward and turned back to look at Jack. I wanted him to look into my eyes when I told him this.

“My whole life, I had been told that the love you feel for your partner differed from the love you feel for your child. But it’s not true, Jack,” I said, shaking my head.

“Once I knew she existed, my whole life became about her. I took a backseat to her. Her wants, her needs, her emotions, they were all more important than mine. I would sacrifice my entire world to make sure she was happy and loved and wanted.”

I turned around more and sat on my knees between his legs. My hands rested on his thighs.

“That is how I feel about you, Jack. I would give up everything to make sure you felt happy, and loved, and wanted.”

“I’ve never felt wanted,” he whispered solemnly. “My parents didn’t want me. They left me at a fire station. None of my foster parents wanted me, either. Every time I got sick, they gave me back. I learned early on that if I made people feel good, they would keep me around. So I became the funny guy.”

“I wanted you, Jack. I chose you.”

“You chose me because I looked like your husband.”

Huffing, he stood up and walked toward the edge.

I closed my eyes, dropping my chin to my chest.

Standing up, I walked over and wrapped my arms around him from behind. I laid my head against his back.

“You’re right, Jack. I did pick you because you looked so similar to Derek. That was what drew me to you, initially. That wasn’t why I went through with it, though. And that isn’t why I am standing here with you now.”

Jack turned in my arms and scowled down at me.

“You are standing here with me now because I found outabout Charlie by accident. Not because you wanted me.”

Grabbing my biceps, he leaned me away from him.

“I forgave you for everything, Sammy. I have loved you since that first night. I never thought I would see you again. Then suddenly, there you were. In my town. And I tried, I tried so fucking hard to make you a part of my life. But you didn’t want me.”