Page 107 of Jackass

“I did, Jack!” I cried. “I wanted you, but I was so afraid. The only person I had ever been with was a man who convinced me he wanted me, that he loved me. And then when I questioned one thing, he hurt me. He hurt me so badly that he almost killed my child—your child!”

I didn’t know how to make him understand. My choices weren’t about him, they were about me. I stepped back from him.

“Let me ask you a question, Jack. If your mother was standing before you right now, offering you everything you had missed out on. Would you trust her? Would you take her at her word after walking away from you once already when you needed her most? Would you trust her with Charlie?”

“Sammy,” he sighed.

“No, Jack. Tell me. Would you accept her immediately?”

“No,” he answered begrudgingly, after several moments of silence.

“Then can you understand why I held back? As soon as you met Charlie, I never tried to keep her from you. And when I saw the way you were with her, I let myself have you, too. But at first, I had to protect her. I had to protect myself.”

I walked up to him and placed my hands on his cheeks. His hands went to my hips, and he squeezed.

“I want you, Jack. I want you, me, and Charlie to be a family.”

“I want that too, Sammy. But I need you to trust me. I need you to tell me when something hurts you or scares you. I want to experience every moment with you. I want to protect you from the bad ones just as much as I want to celebrate the good ones.”

“I was wrong, Jack. I know that now. I never should haveagreed to meet Carrie alone. And I understand why you had Jingles following me. I don’t love it, but I understand it. I can’t promise I will always trust you with everything. At least not right away. But I can promise you that I will do everything I can to try.”

“I love you, Sammy.”

Jack leaned down and kissed me tenderly. His hands tightened more on my hips as he pulled me against him. My arms went up around his neck and I held him to me.

“Will you tell me who called you selfish?” he murmured against my lips.

I pulled back and laughed. “Not a chance.”

Chapter Twenty-Six

Jack

I looked at Sammy. I would find out who called her selfish. She wasn’t selfish. I knew that. Everything she did was for Charlie.

“I’m sorry I left you at the hospital,” I said.

“I’m sorry for asking you to leave. I never should have done that.”

“I understand why you did. God, Sammy, I was so scared when Grace called. I didn’t know what had happened. When Jingles called to tell me you had met with Carrie he didn’t tell me anything else. Just said we would talk about it when he got back. Then the last time I spoke to Jingles you were sitting at the bar, pissed at me. A few minutes later, I got a call from Grace telling me he was taking you to the hospital.”

Scrubbing my hand over my face, I turned and stared out over the small town we lived in. Charlie and Sammy lived there now. They would never go back to the house Carrie had. Their place was with me from now on.

“I don’t do well with emotions, Sammy. I’ve never had someone in my life that meant as much as you do. Everything I feel for you just kind of piled on, and I didn’t know how to process it. So I yelled, and I fought. That was what I learned.”

She was quiet. She just watched me, waiting for me to continue. At that moment, I had to decide how much to tell her. It was only fair I gave her everything, since that was what I was asking of her. I slipped my hands into the back pockets of my jeans and took a deep breath.

“Growing up, I bounced from foster home to foster home. Until I hit twelve. Foster homes didn’t want older kids, so they put me in a group home. The first home had a dozen boysbetween the ages of twelve and fifteen. No one ever taught us to deal with our emotions. We were just angry boys who fought to be seen and heard. The next house was worse, fifteen- to seventeen-year-old boys. Yea, you learned to fight dirty real quick.” I scoffed.

“Jack,” she whispered.

“Don’t feel sorry for me, Sammy. I can’t handle pity.”

“I don’t pity you, Jack. I feel for the little boy who grew up believing he was unwanted. The mom in me hurts for that little boy. I couldn’t bear Charlie growing up feeling that way. But your childhood made you the man you are today. It made you the man I fell in love with. The man I chose to have a child with because I wanted her to be like you.”

She put her arms around my waist and rested her forehead against my chest.

“I have a confession, Jack.”