Page 36 of The Dawn Chorus

‘And then it was just … agony,’ I said. ‘It was in my stomach, in my lungs, my head. I screamed. I couldn’t stop myself from struggling. I didn’t answer his questions, but that might be because half the time I couldn’t even understand what he was saying, I was so desperate for air.’ As I spoke, I rubbed my wrist, where a manacle had rubbed shallow wounds into my skin. ‘I’ve always had an … awareness of my body. As separate from me, I mean. It was a cage, but I had a key to it.’

‘Your gift.’

Another small nod.

‘In the Archon,’ I said, ‘they took the key. Stopped me escaping from my body.’ I clenched my fist. ‘They turnedmeinto one of their torture devices. My ribs were the bars. My muscles were chains. I was doubly imprisoned. Suffocated by the water, but also by my own skin.’

I was shivering now, remembering the cold.

‘I don’t know exactly how long he kept me in there. In the cold. There was no light, except when he turned one on. The blinding light above the board.’ I circled the jutting bone of my wrist. ‘I might have slept. I don’t remember. It was so dark, I couldn’t tell the difference. I still can’t. And I still can’t get warm. I’m so cold. All the time.’

My face burned. I hid behind my hair.

‘He—’ I drew my knees closer. ‘He never unchained me. Not for days. Not until they moved me to a cell. And of course, I was swallowing more water than my body knew what to do with.’

I waited for him to draw the right conclusion. Shame washed over me in hot waves.

‘I see.’

His voice was soft and cold. I closed my eyes as the silence returned – a silence filled with what I knew, and what he could only imagine. What he was likely tryingnotto imagine.

‘Did Jaxon know what was being done to you?’ Warden finally said.

‘I don’t know exactly how much he knew. But he can’t have been oblivious.’ My arms quickened with gooseflesh. ‘I was sick. Over and over. When it got into my stomach. And—’

I could smell and taste the flood again, so strong it clenched my throat.

‘The water didn’t taste … clean,’ I managed. ‘I keep thinking about what he might have put into it.’

Warden was very still. His jaw formed a hard line.

‘He said that if you could see me, you’d be repulsed. Kept telling me how sordid I was. How low your standards must be.’ Closing my eyes again, I forced myself to keep talking. ‘At the time, I didn’t really listen. I was trying to survive. To not betray my friends. To find the will to keep fighting for long enough to get to Senshield. But now—’

My voice cracked into nothing.

‘You have had time to remember,’ Warden finished. ‘To reflect on what happened.’

The golden cord was taut.

‘I wondered if it was the beatings,’ he said. ‘If that was why you were afraid to be touched.’

‘They did beat me. That was another kind of degradation. Like I was back at that f-fucking hellhole of a school.’

Now I was talking to him, it was all seeping out of me like blood from a wound.

‘So,’ I went on, ‘when it happened in the Archon, I thought I’d be able to stand that, too. But they kept calling me brogue, boglander – all the things those girls used to whisper in the corridors – and I realised thatnothinghad changed in Scion since then. And I tried to be brave, Warden. But now I just – everythinghurts, and I remember it all, and I can’t even – I can’t—’

My arms tightened.

‘I still feel trapped. I’m afraid I won’t ever be able to touch anyone again, because even the lightest touch will feel like a chain,’ I forced out. ‘I see what Suhail was trying to do. Jaxon did almost the same thing, and I took the bait. They wanted to restore the natural order between you and me. To make me fear the touch that makes us equal.’

‘The idea did not come from Suhail, if so,’ Warden said. ‘He is not cunning enough for that. This is Nashira.’

‘That’s the worst of it. Suhail is a coward and a brute. That was deliberate on her part. Choosinghimto degrade me.’ The candles flickered. ‘Glimpsing the trap doesn’t make me any less caught in it. Every time you’ve been close to me, I’ve remembered what he said. Thought about how disgusting I must seem to you. I j-just want—’

A wordless sound ground up my throat. I pressed my face into my hands to stop it. Shudders racked my frame, each one jolting my bruises. All I could feel was pain.

Warden rose. The couch sank a little as he sat beside me, leaving space between us.