Page 37 of The Dawn Chorus

‘If you never want me to touch you again,’ came his soft voice, ‘I will not. But if your fear is based on the lies of Suhail and Nashira, then I urge you to fight it. Do not let them win.’

In silence, he held out one hand, palm up. I lifted my raw face to look. No glove. Just him.

At first, I thought it would be impossible. Suhail hissed into my ear. A part of me still lived in that room and, as hard as I pulled, it refused to come back.

Warden watched my face. I thought of how my body answered to his hands, in a way it never had to anyone but him. How careful they always were when they touched me.

‘Not that it should matter to you, for it would mean I was undeserving of your notice,’ he said, ‘but if Iwererepulsed by you, I ask you why I would have taken you in my arms in the Guildhall.’

Shaken by his frankness, I looked at him.

‘The prohibition of flesh-treachery had been repeated to me like a chant, for centuries, by the time I met you. I was blood-consort. Nashira made sure I was well-informed of the vile nature of humans. All that Suhail said to you, I have heard many times,’ he said. ‘After Jaxon betrayed the rebellion, I almost came to believe it. Almost.’ He held my gaze. ‘You restored my conviction. You confirmed to me that the Sargas are wrong.’

A rush of tenderness went through me.

‘I resisted their indoctrination in the past, and I have no intention of falling to it now.’ He kept his hand out. ‘You must not, either.’

When I placed a hand into his, my muscles tensed. In a flash, I saw my fingers as they had been a week ago, covered in blood, the nails plum-dark with bruising. They looked so brittle.

Warden held very still. He made no move to keep my hand where it was. Just let it lie in the cup of his palm.

‘We Rephaim were graced with immense strength,’ he said. ‘In the tower, I could scarcely lift my head after the Ripper had done his work. I could not rise to comfort Terebell, though she was so close to me that I could feel her aura. Nashira ensured we were side by side, forced to watch each other suffer.’ The words stemmed from deep in his chest. ‘I can never fully understand what was done to you. Only you know that. But I know what it is to believe oneself broken, Paige. To feel the chains even in liberty.’

Shivers kept coursing through me, but the longer my palm was against his, the easier my breath came. I traced the familiar lines, the scars that almost encircled his fingers.

‘See me now,’ he said. ‘I will always carry the scars, and the memories, but I regained my strength. I found myself again. So will you.’

Very carefully, he grazed his thumb across the backs of my fingers. Heat surged into my throat.

‘I hate you seeing me like this.’ My voice shook. ‘You chose me because I was strong. Because I was resilient. I overheard you telling Burnish.’ Exhausted, I shook my head. ‘Look at me now. I am not the person you chose to lead a war.’

‘I am looking at you, Paige Mahoney.’ He was. ‘I see a warrior who sacrificed herself to a brutal enemy for a better world. And despite all the wrong that was done to her, all the pain and humiliation she endured, she did not speak one word to betray the revolution. She did not condemn her friends. And yet, as always, she is blind to her own courage.’

‘I have no courage left.’ A tear ran down to my jaw. ‘I spent it all in that room.’

‘It will return.’

‘But I’m always afraid now. I’m afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of water.’ My shoulders heaved. ‘I’m afraid I’ll never be able to fight again.’

‘Fear does not extinguish courage. Suhail Chertan did not steal anything from you. Had he been tortured for half the time you were, he would have surrendered all he knew of the Sargas.’ His gaze burned into mine. ‘I survived. So will you. Neither of us is going to let our enemies win by hearkening to their lies. Are we agreed?’

My eyes filled. I turned to him with a weak exhalation, and at last, I put my arms around him.

Warden drew me to his chest. He was gentle enough that I could pull away, and I almost did. I almost broke. I no longer knew what to do with my hands, and I didn’t fit against him as easily as I once had. Same puzzle, wrong pieces. It was as if we were both spun from glass. As if holding on too hard would fracture us both.

But I could touch him. I could still bear to be close to another person. Warden set his chin on the top of my head as I softened against him, as I let myself breathe into his shirt. His left hand cupped my head, while the other came to rest in the middle of my back.

I don’t know how long I stayed in that strange, fragile embrace. Warden murmured Gloss and held me until, at last, I fell asleep.

Epilogue

SCION CITADEL OF PARIS

11JANUARY2060

One embrace was never going to put me back together. Only I could do that, and I sensed that it would be a lifelong task.

As the days passed, I still woke often from restless sleep. I still flinched at the sound of rain and the hiss of water from the tap. I still needed space, to the point that even my clothes, even the sheets I slept in, could sometimes feel like shackles – but every time I rose, I found that I was just a little bit stronger. And the room was just a little bit farther away. And I craved oblivion just a little bit less, even though the hunger still gripped me. Even though I still looked at my reflection and wished that I could fade away.