Page 149 of On the Double
I stumbled over to the chair and slumped back down into it. “You never know.”
“I know,” he said sharply. “I could see it in her eyes whenever she was with you. She fucking loved you. And you love her. I’m not sure what the fuck you were thinking tonight.”
You’re not fucking good enough for her. You’ll only get her killed.
“I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking when I allowed her to call me her fiancé.”
“Edu, that doesn’t matter now. What are you going to do about your current situation?”
“Absolutely nothing.”
“You’re going to walk away? You’re going to abandon your pregnant girlfriend and your baby?”
I laughed out loud at the girlfriend part. “She was never my girlfriend.”
“Bullshit! You fucking know she was. Hell, everyone at the company knows what she means to you. The only fucking person here who can’t see it is you.”
Oh, I saw it alright. I saw her every fucking night in my dreams. Isaw her walking down the street and every time I went into the grocery store, whether she was working or not. She was fucking everywhere, and I wasn’t fucking sure how I was going to live in the same town as her and not beg her to come back to me.
“Edu, you’re screwing everything up. You need to go to her now.”
I was so fucking tired of everyone telling me what to do. “After everything I told you, you still think I’m the best man for her?”
“You would be if you crawled out of your ass and actually opened yourself up to her. I bet she doesn’t even fucking know about why you don’t want a kid.”
“And why would I tell her that? So she can live inside my head? Maybe I should tell her about beating the shit out of my father until he collapsed on the floor. Do you think that would help?”
“It might help you.”
“Right,” I laughed. “Because everyone can be redeemed, right?”
He walked over to me and hauled me up by my shirt, then tossed me across the room. I crashed into a chair, shoving it back a few feet as I tumbled around on the floor. Somewhere around here was my bottle, but fuck if I knew where.
“You’re a fucking pussy,” he spat in my face. “Your girlfriend is probably scared out of her mind, knowing that you never wanted a baby. Yet, she stood there and took everything you threw at her. She didn’t make excuses or plead with you. She fucking took your abuse.”
“And you think that makes her fucking special?” I shouted. I stumbled to my feet, getting in his face. “Do you think I want her to take me yelling at her? Doesn’t that tell you how fucked up she is?”
“No, that tells me how strong she is,” he spat. “Christ, Edu. You’re screwing up left and right, and if you don’t go to her and fix this, you’re gonna regret it for the rest of your life. Do you really think you can live in this town with her raising your kid? What about the rest of us? Are we going to pretend she doesn’t exist? Or maybe you’re going to let her brother raise your kid,” he scoffed. “Yeah, that really fucking sounds better.”
“Better than me!” I shouted. “Don’t you get it? That’s why I didn’t want kids. I know she’s better off without me! It fucking kills me tolook at her, to know that she’s carrying my kid. It should have been anyone else.”
“But it wasn’t. She only wanted you,” he argued. “She fell in love with you! God fucking knows why, but it was you she wanted.”
“It should have been someone else,” I muttered. “Fuck, I’ll only ruin her life.”
“Yeah, you will if you keep acting like this.”
My head hung in defeat as I closed my eyes and remembered the tears on her face last night. She fucking gutted me with those tears. Only last night, those tears weren’t because of me. But tonight they were. I put them on her face, and I broke her fucking heart—just like everyone knew I would.
“Do you remember when you were injured?” he asked. “How you told me you loved her?” I nodded. “That man who confessed his love for her would never have done what you did tonight. Sober up and think about everything you just threw away.”
I fell to my knees as the door slammed shut. Dropping my head in my hands, I prayed for answers. Was I strong enough to fight the demons in my head? Was I a good enough man to be who she needed?
Would she ever want me back after the things I said to her?
I wokeup on the floor with saliva pooling from my lips. The light pierced my eyes, giving my headache legs that moved throughout my skull. The bottle of alcohol that I’d dropped last night had rolled under the table and had dripped onto the carpet, leaving a large stain. I swiped at my face, grimacing at the amount of liquid dried to my skin.
Sitting up was a chore that I almost gave up on. Fuck, I had gotten way too drunk last night. Then again, every night over the last two weeks was nothing but a blur of drinking and someone else coming over to chew my ass out. And when I woke up in the morning, I was filled with regret and shame.