Page 150 of On the Double

I really fucking needed to see her. There was nothing I wanted more than to hold her in my arms again and confess my deepest,darkest secrets—that I was in love with her, but I was terrified of hurting her.

Every fucking second of every day dug a hole in my gut, gnawing at me to give in to what I really wanted. But how could I do that? I knew what I was capable of. My hands were covered in blood, and I knew a part of my old man lived deep down in my soul. I would never be free of him.

After dragging my ass off the ground, I took a long shower, resting my head against the shower wall in the hopes of washing away my misery. It wasn’t fucking working. As much as I hated to admit it, I fucking missed Harper. I wanted to hold her in my arms at night and feel the beat of her heart against mine. I missed her far-off looks as she got stuck in some daydream. But most of all, I missed those gorgeous eyes staring at me. It was like she could see inside my soul, but instead of looking at me with disgust, I was her hero.

Until I trashed it all and threw her away.

Fuck, I was such an idiot. I spent the past two weeks wallowing in misery because I didn’t know how to talk to her. I wasn’t sure I was the best man for her, or that I could be the father that kid needed. Every time I thought of going to her, I talked myself out of it, telling myself she was better off alone.

But then I thought of her working in that grocery store, fucking working her ass off to take care of my kid. And what would happen when she had the baby? How would she support herself? What I really needed to do was offer her some money. It wouldn’t make up for my foolish actions, but it would at least provide her with some stability.

And I would get to see her.

Decision made, I got out of the shower and for the first time in two weeks, I got dressed. I grimaced at my reflection in the mirror. All the drinking and lounging around for two straight weeks had made me soft. I would have to change that right away. The last thing my teammates needed was a guy with a beer belly chasing behind them, trying to keep up as we fought the baddies.

I got dressed quickly, paying extra attention to how I looked. It wasn’t like I was trying to win her back, but it wouldn’t hurt to look my best. I ignored Lock flagging me down as I got in my truck, and I didn’t botherchecking in at work. Hell, at this point, I wasn’t even sure I had a job. But they hadn’t kicked me off the property yet. That had to be a good sign.

Nerves hit me hard as I drove away from OPS. I didn’t know exactly what I would say. I didn’t want to lead her on and make her think I was coming back. But I also wanted to leave myself a little wiggle room in case I pulled my shit together enough to actually be part of her life.

“I have money for you.” I shook my head. “Too blunt. Okay, sound suave and cool. Um…Harper, I know you’re capable of doing this on your own, but I want to give you money for the baby.”

I repeated it in my head, nodding to myself. “It’s simple and to the point, but doesn’t make it sound like she can’t take care of herself. That’ll work.”

I blew out a harsh breath as I pulled up to the curb of her house. She was in there, waiting for me for two fucking weeks to show up and say something to her. Two fucking weeks of her wondering if I was going to man up. The poor girl had been going through some hard shit without me, and I hated myself for not realizing that sooner.

I got out and slammed the door, repeating the brilliant phrase in my head.

Harper, I know you’re capable of doing this on your own, but I want to give you money for the baby.

By the time I got to her door, I was confident this was the right way to go. It didn’t tie me to her in any way and gave me the opportunity to do more if I ever manned up enough and got my shit together. Not that she would want someone like me, but maybe in time, she would forgive me for my stupidity.

I pulled myself together and knocked at the door. Suddenly, I was fucking nervous. The pep talk was slipping away faster than ice cream on a hot day. She was going to spit in my face and tell me what a useless bastard I was. And it was true. Fuck, I shouldn’t have come. Maybe I should have just sent a check.

But before I could walk away, the door opened. My heart stood still until I saw Oliver standing there, and by the look on his face, I was the last person in the world he wanted to see. He leaned against the door,bracing his other arm against the doorjamb, making it clear that I was not welcome inside.

“I need to see Harper.”

I wasn’t sure where the steadiness of my voice came from or how I managed to not flee with my tail between my legs. But I stood there, toe to toe with her brother and vowed to myself I wouldn’t walk away until I spoke to her.

“I need to see Harper,” I repeated.

He huffed out a laugh. “Now you need to see Harper? Two fucking weeks have passed and you just decided to come over.”

The harsh tone in his voice was the punch to the gut I needed. I knew I’d fucked up. I’d warred with myself day and night over the idiotic things I’d said to her. Primarily, accusing her of getting pregnant by another man. That was the real low point. But even if I was the most hated man in the town, I still needed to find a way to mend things with Harper.

“Look, I know I fucked up. You can yell at me all you want, but right now, I need to see her.”

A sardonic smile tilted his lips as he shook his head. “Youneed to see her. Man, she hasn’t tried to contact you once. Take a hint.”

“She’s pregnant with my kid,” I bit out. “I have a right to talk to her.”

“Oh, now she’s pregnant with your kid,” he laughed. “Amazing how that works. Now that you miss her, it’s your kid. But before, when she was desperate to talk to you and make something work, the kid couldn’t possibly be yours.”

“I—”

“Accusing my sister of being a whore when all she ever did was love you—that’s a new low. What exactly do you think you can ever say to her to make this right?”

I swallowed hard, feeling the weight of his accusations deep in my gut. “You’re right. There’s nothing I can say to her that would…do anything. It was unforgivable.”