Page 12 of Covert Operation
The things that were done to me.
“Hey.” I manage a little smile, waiting for her to join me before climbing the steps leading to my front door.
She doesn’t greet me back, just dives right into the question I know is coming. “Where have you been?”
“At headquarters helping Elise.” I punch in the code to unlock the deadbolt, waiting for it to flip open before pushing into my home. It doesn’t really feel like home though. Not like the one I had before did.
“Helping Elise?” Sadie follows me into the dark and dreary space. “Do what?”
“Just office stuff.” I set my bag onto the dining room table and frown at its bare surface.
I used to love coming home and lighting all my scented candles. Being surrounded by the oasis I’d created and feeling comfortable and cozy.
“Oh.” Sadie looks me over, taking in the leggings and drapey sweatshirt I wore for my session with Zeke this morning. “What kind of office stuff?”
I shrug as I peel off my coat and hang it in the closet beside the door. “We stocked the kitchen and the break room and the rooming house. She’s showing me how to put together the grocery orders and how she tracks what we have on hand and what we need more of. I’m learning what Eli needs and where it all goes.”
It’s not hard work, but it’s nice to be doing something besides staring at the blank walls here as life goes on without me.
“If you wanted something to do you could have told me.” Sadie almost seems offended. “We could have found you something you enjoy.”
“I enjoy helping Elise.” It’s nice being around someone who doesn’t treat me like I’m one wrong move away from shattering.
“But what about teaching? You loved that.”
Sadie’s reply drags me back, reminding me of all I’ve lost. All I might never have again. Maybe that’s another reason I like being around Elise. She didn’t know me before. With her, I’m just who I am—not a remnant of the person I was before.
“I’m not who I used to be, Sadie,” I snap, angry at her for always pushing me where I don’t want to go. Mad that she won’t let me forget what’s been taken from me for a single second. “So stop pretending like I am.”
My sister’s head bobs back like I’ve slapped her. “But you can be. You just have to?—”
“Go back in time?” Anger bubbles out of me and I can’t stop it. “Pretend I wasn’t raped over and over again while I acted like I wanted it?” My stomach turns, twisting around the way Ivan’s hands felt on my skin. The way his breath smelled as it wafted over my face. “Because that’s not an option. And I’m tired of pretending like if I just wait long enough, I’ll feel like myself again.”
It’s what I expected all those months I sat here alone, waiting for something that would never happen. But I can’t go back. I can’t be the old me ever again. All I can do is pick up the pieces and make something new.
“You’re just tired.” Sadie’s voice breaks. “You’ll feel better tomorrow after you’ve had time to rest.”
As I stare at my sister, wondering how she can be so delusional, it hits me. I wasn’t the only one waiting for me to go back to what I was.
But I don’t have it in me to explain. To argue. To deal with whatever will happen when I try to make her understand. So instead I go along with it.
That seems to be my M.O.
“You’re probably right.” I force a little smile, hoping to placate her. “I just need to sleep.”
Sadie’s shoulders relax the smallest bit. “That makes sense.”
It probably does. To her.
“I’ll see you in the morning then.” I go to the door, opening it, rushing her out. Because I need the space to breathe. “Tell Jamison I said hi.”
Sadie nods, giving me a weak smile. “I will.” She leans in to hug me, squeezing tight. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.” I watch as she navigates the steps and follows the sidewalk to her condo next door. Once she’s inside, I close my door and turn to my sad excuse for a home. It’s so bare. So dark. So dreary.
And all of a sudden, I can’t freaking stand it.
Moving through the main floor, I flip on every light, illuminating the space for the first time so I can see it with new eyes.