Page 49 of His Dark Pact

It wasn’t the first time she’d seen him since his passing. He’d haunted her for many nights after his death, coming to her with plaintive, regretful pleas about his end, but there was something different about him now, something in his eyes that spoke of his disappointment. Her breath caught with shame, the deep, foreboding sort that settled in her chest and threatened to suffocate her. Could it be true that the man she’d committed her life to was upset by her recent behavior? Was he ashamed of who she’d become without him?

“I’ve done my best, Gra.” Her brow furrowed as she tugged her covers closer. Amy couldn’t see him, but she knew he was there, lurking in the shadows of her room. “But it’s been so bloody hard since you’ve been gone. Even harder than when you were here, and...” Her voice lagged as she grappled for words. “Well, Kyle came along, and he offered me a way out.”

“A potential way out.”

She was sure she’d heard Graham’s voice from the corner of the room.

“Yes,” she accepted. “The solution he offers might not be guaranteed, but then what in life ever is?”

Hadn’t Graham’s sudden death proven that point for them both? There was only the present. Tomorrow was never a certainty.

“He has money, and he can help me, Jonas, and Seth.”

Graham would want that, wouldn’t he?

“And the sex?”Disenchantment resounded in his voice.“Why did you have to screw him, Amy? Why screw himlike that?”

She swallowed at the recrimination. She and Graham had never enjoyed the most thrilling sex life, so the idea of bondage while dressed as a maid would be, at best, shocking to a man like her late husband. At worst, he might have looked far less favorably on the act, but still, she stood by her choices. Kyle had contrived the situation, but she’d walked into it willingly, and in the end, she’d relished every debauched request he’d thrown her way.

“Because I wanted to.” The admission rang around the darkness. “The sex was magnificent.”

A shiver passed along her body as she recalled just how fucking good it had been.

“You dressed like a whore for him.”

She cringed inwardly at Graham’s description but refused to feel guilt for her dead husband. She was entitled to a life, and any loving man would want her to have pleasure in his absence.

“Why, Amy? Why?”

“I wanted it.” Her chin rose the way it had when Kyle had controlled her body. “I wanted to wear the damn outfit because it’s sexy, Gra.”

“And him.”Graham didn’t mention Kyle’s name.“Is he sexy?”

“He’s a lot of things.” An image of her boss appeared in her head. “But yes, he makes me feel things, Gra.”

Things you never made me feel.

She never spoke the final line, but she knew he’d heard her. Those things were possible when the entire conversation was playing out in her mind.

“Do you love him?”Graham’s voice was louder that time, hurt echoing as the resonance ricocheted.

“No!” Indignation erupted from her throat as she sat bolt upright in the bed. “Of course, I don’t! But you know who Idolove? Our sons, Graham, and they need this money. Who else can help pay for Jonas’ education and the life Seth will need to start over after prison? Who else can pay for those things?”

She glanced away, lamenting the way she’d snapped, yet still coming to terms with her anger. How dare Graham judge her? He had no idea what it was like to be the one who was left with the kids and the debts. No idea about the long, lonely nights and the neverending feeling of suffocation as every possible hope of making ends meet closed ranks around him. Who was he to play arbitrator?

“I didn’t mean to leave you.”

She heard the sadness in his weary tone.

“I know.” Tears brimmed in her eyes. “I never wanted you to, Gra, but you did—you died—and I had to go on.”

I have to live.

And go on she would. Whatever that meant.

Silence reverberated as she leaned back against her pillows. Graham hadn’t really been there at all. She knew that. But despite his death, guilt still bubbled at her dalliance with Kyle.

“It doesn’t mean I didn’t love you.” She wanted Graham to know that. “I did, Gra. I loved you, and a part of me always will, but I had to move on. I have to live... for myself and the boys.” She raised her voice, hoping Graham would hear the plea, but logically, she knew that wasn’t possible.