Page 20 of Fierce-Michael

“So they came around to it?” he asked.

“They did for him, but they didn’t say much to me. Long gone was the nice fun banter we had when I was just Brian’s friend and ex-girlfriend. But I get it, there were more important things to worry about.”

“Being a father, I don’t even want to think of those things,” he said.

“Continuing on. I knew we weren’t going to live together. At least not right away. We’d figure things out in the future. But I did help stay with Brian when his parents were at work and didn’t want to leave him alone. I made myself useful, and again, Brian was happy. We’d watch TV and argue about shows or play cards. When he was tired and needed to sleep, I did my work.”

She didn’t need to say how hard it was to watch Brian’s body whither away to nothing while there were talks about bone marrow transplants coming up. But his organs were failing and he was trying to recover from the chemo he’d just gone through.

She started to sniffle and got a tissue. “Take your time,” he said.

“Thanks for letting me talk. This isn’t a good conversation to have on a first date. As I said, very few know any of this. No one I work with. I’d appreciate it if you kept it quiet. I hadn’t gotten around to changing my name yet. His parents and mine wantedme to wait. I think they just didn’t want anyone to know Brian and I were married. We didn’t tell many.”

“Were they embarrassed or afraid of being judged?”

“I think Brian’s parents were afraid to think of the real reason why Brian wanted it done. They were so hopeful. So was I, but I just kept seeing the light fading from his eyes. I never thought he was strong enough to go in for his bone marrow transplant months later. I was on summer break, but I didn’t have any right to speak up.”

“You were his wife.”

“But had no rights and wouldn’t exercise them. I know everyone was just pacifying two young kids. He had to go through even stronger chemo to kill every cell in his body for the transplant. He didn’t make it. His organs went into failure so fast and he died within two days.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, reaching his hand over and touching hers.

“Thanks. His parents took care of everything. I just went along for the ride. It didn’t seem like any of it was happening. In six months time, I came home from college, got married, and watched my husband and my childhood friend die. I wasn’t even there. I’d gone home that night because I hadn’t felt good. His parents didn’t call me. It wasn’t until I showed up the next morning that the nurse told me when I went into his room.”

“That’s wrong.”

That was going to linger in her mind forever. But she tried to write it off as their grief. She wanted to give Brian’s parents the benefit of the doubt.

“It’s in the past,” she said. “At the funeral, I wasn’t in the line. Nothing. I sat in the front the whole time with my parents holding my hand. No one thought anything of it. They’d know we were friends. Lots of friends were there. They’d had a closed casket and no one questioned the ring on my finger.”

Brian’s parents gave his back to her. They couldn’t even honor their son’s wish that he wanted to be married before he died and let him have that little bit in his burial on his hand.

“I think it’s a wonderful thing you did for your friend at the end,” he said. “I’m not sure many would have done that.”

“I know many wouldn’t. I felt bad I never told my friends or anyone that we married. His obituary didn’t even list me as his wife.”

“Do you know why?”

“I think both our parents agreed it was best not to. My mother said she’d asked if it was going to be listed and his parents had said no. That they didn’t believe it was a real marriage either. It was,” she said. “We had had sex after. Just once. You know, so Brian felt he was really married. I mean we’d done it before and I loved him.”

“You thought it would make him happy. You were trying to give him something at the end,” he said.

“Yeah. I was afraid many would judge me for that. Another reason why I never said anything. But we were married and all. It was a real marriage regardless of what anyone else thought.”

“Those were your decisions,” he said. “I’m not judging at all.”

“Thanks for that,” she said. “So there you go. I think I’ve spent years trying to find a person like Brian. One that was just like me in terms of fun and laughter. Then I realized there was a reason we were better off as friends.”

“You wanted to see if what you had with Brian would have lasted if he were still alive,” he said.

“You’re pretty smart,” she said. “I can’t and won’t think of what ifs because it does no good. I don’t regret one minute of my marriage to him.”

“You grew up fast. You witnessed a lot that many don’t. You might have lost some of your light and yet I don’t think you did.”

She got up for a tissue and blew her nose. “No. He wouldn’t want that of me. My life went on. I went back to college the next semester, and those that even knew I was gone, I just told them there was a family emergency I had to deal with. It wasn’t a lie.”

“Then life went on,” he said.