Page 64 of Burnin' For You

She looked away, her eyes pricking at his words.

She didn’t know what to do when he reached out, put his arm around her, pulled her against himself, as if it might be completely normal.

He leaned his head back on the rock. She let herself sink against him, staring up at the sky.

“In different circumstances, this is my favorite part about being a smokejumper,” Reuben said softly. “Sleeping under the stars in a strike camp, the fire out, or mostly out, my body aching, knowing I put everything I had into the day. Doing what I could to fight the fire with everything inside me knowing that I left nothing on the fire line except my sweat.”

She smiled at that. “I felt that way when I dropped that load of water on you guys. Peace—knowing I did everything I could to save you.”

His arm tightened around her. “I think I learned it from my father. We’d work hard all day, roping, branding—everything that has to do with roundup—and then at night we’d camp out under the stars, bone tired but satisfied. I loved those days with my dad. I longed to be like him when I graduated. He wanted me to go on and play college ball, but I just wanted to be a rancher. When I walked away from it, I never thought I’d love something as much as I loved ranching until I became a smokejumper.”

“If you loved it so much, why did you leave?”

He stilled. Sighed. “I told you how I broke my legs, right? And how Knox stepped in to fill the gap? Well, he also sort of stepped in with my girlfriend.”

“What—?”

“I don’t know what happened—it was probably nothing—but it was right after the prom I didn’t go to, and I found Knox and Chelsea making out in the barn and…I’m not proud of what happened next. Pride. Anger. It wasn’t pretty. Knox got the brains, but I got the brawn, and I don’t go down easy.”

“I know.”

She didn’t know why she said that, but it eked out a smile from him. It vanished fast, however, as he continued his story. “My other brothers jumped in when they found me beating the stuffing out of Knox, and then my dad intervened. He was furious, and that’s when I woke up and realized that my dad had chosen sides. He’d picked Knox and kicked me off the ranch.”

“Oh, Reuben. You don’t think he really picked Knox, do you?”

“It felt like it, but I was pretty angry and wasn’t thinking right. Truth is, it wasn’t as much about Knox as feeling like there wasn’t a place for me anymore.”

She was quiet, her heart breaking for him, the teenager driving away from the world he wanted to belong in.

“The worst part is the next time I went back was for Dad’s funeral. He had a heart attack one Saturday while riding fence. Alone. Which, if I had been there, he might not have been.”

“You don’t know that, Rube.”

“Maybe not. But it feels that way. My pride cost me my dad. And now it’s too late. Dad is dead, Knox is running the ranch. I can’t go back.”

She winced at the hurt in his voice, thankful for the padding of night that hid the tears in her eyes.

“Since then, no matter what I do, I feel like I’m going to screw it up. Or make the wrong decision. Like…” His voice dropped. “Like I did with Jock and the boys.”

He looked away, closed his eyes as if the memory elicited pain. It probably did.

“That day on the mountain, I didn’t like how spread out we were. But sometimes it works out that way, and who was I to say anything? Jock was in charge. I just followed orders. But when we got word of the fire out of control, Jock told Conner, me, and Pete where to go—and then ran back for the rest of team. I stood there, Gilly, watching him leave, and for a split second felt like I was supposed to run after him. I even dropped my saw, ready to get him when Pete stopped me. Or maybe just stopped me long enough to second guess myself.” He shook his head. “I still wonder if I should have gone after him.”

“And what—put him over your shoulder and drag him away? You know Jock—he was like you. He wouldn’t give up.”

“Bullheaded is the term, I think.”

“Or just the guy you can depend on.”

He drew in a long breath, glanced down at her. “But not the guy who makes the right decisions.”

“And how can you? You can’t see the full picture. You just have to go with your instinct. But...God has an aerial view. He knows where to guide us. We just have to trust Him.”

“Even when it doesn’t turn out the way we hope—even when people die?”

She wished she could reach inside Reuben’s heart, put a hand around his grief, work it free. “I know I sound like a preacher’s kid right now, but my dad says that the only way we can have peace with our decisions and choices is if we trust God.”

“And if we don’t think God is on our side? What then? Because, really, Gilly, why would God help a guy like me?”