Page 65 of Burnin' For You
Oh, Rube. She knew what it was like to feel like you weren’t enough, that somehow you were destined to fail despite your best efforts.
She went quiet then, blinked. “Or a girl like me.”
“Huh?”
She took a breath, not sure how to explain the burning to tell him… “I didn’t tell you why I was walking home so late that night I was attacked.”
His gaze was on her now, so much compassion in his eyes that she had to look away.
“I was making out with a hotshot from the Jude County base.”
He said nothing, just steady breathing as he listened. His barrel chest rising and falling as he probably imagined the scenario.
“It was a stupid summer fling, and I knew I wasn’t behaving like a preacher’s kid should. But he made me feel pretty and told me that he was in love with me…”
Reuben stiffened, sitting up. Gave her an expression that looked very much like the one she’d seen at Brownie’s when he’d asked her if Brownie was the one who’d attacked her.
As if he would like, very much, to tunnel back through time and revisit the moment.
Her voice quickened. “I didn’t let it go all the way, but far enough, and I was feeling pretty guilty. I didn’t let him drive me home like he offered, and then…that’s when it happened.” She looked up at him. “So, you see, I sort of deserved—”
“Are youkiddingme?” The power of Reuben’s voice thundered under her skin, jarred something loose. “You actually think that youdeservedto get attacked?”
Even as he said it, she knew it sounded stupid. “I know. My brain says it doesn’t make sense, but in my heart, I feel it.”
His countenance softened then. “Oh, Gilly.”
She lifted a shoulder, but tears filmed her eyes.
“That’s why you’re always trying to act like you don’t need help, right? Because you’re afraid if you do, God won’t show up, because deep down inside you fear you’re not worthy of help.”
And see, she knew he could look at her, see through her. She bit her lip, nodded.
He searched her face. “We’re a pair, aren’t we? It’s a miracle we survived a plane crash and a burning building with God not on our side.”
She frowned then, his words settling into her bones.
“Godison our side, Reuben. At least I want to believe that, even if my heart tells me I’m not worth it.”
He nodded, as if her words might be making sense.
“My dad always preaches that we have to believe God when He says He loves us and has a good plan for our lives. That’s how we get peace for today and bright hope for tomorrow, like the hymn says. But only if we trust in Him.”
“Because if we try and fight our own battles, then how do we know God is saving us—or it’s in our own strength?” Reuben said softly.
She looked at him. “Right.”
“My dad used to tell us Bible stories, and I remember this one he loved about a battle Jehoshaphat fought. This huge Moabite army is invading Israel, and Jehoshaphat pleads with God for deliverance, and God says to him, basically, don’t be afraid, because the battle is not yours but God’s. Dad used to say that to me. ‘Reuben, just stand, do your part, and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf.’ I remember once being frustrated that I’d missed a tackle and let the runner score. I was trying to anticipate the runner, and he juked me out.”
“Which means?”
“He fooled me. Left me on my face in the middle of the field. My dad told me afterward to just get up, don’t panic, and keep playing my position, just like Jehoshaphat.”
“So did God save Jehoshaphat?”
“Yep. The Moabites actually ended up killing each other. Israel did nothing to win, and in fact, just went down the battlefield and picked up all the spoils of war. And they hadn’t fought at all.”
“Nowyousound like a preacher’s kid,” Gilly said.