Page 51 of Falling With You

“I told you in my call before I came about Allison…” I let my words trail off, unsure of what else to say.

“I know. It hasn’t been that long since it happened. We can start there if you’d like.”

She looked at me, and I forced myself to look away. Instead, I looked at the billowing curtains as they swayed in the breeze from the ceiling fan. It was hard to put into words what I felt. Probably because the aching numbness that had been there when I first heard that Allison was gone hadn’t completely gone away. Instead, it’d just festered to the point that sometimes I felteverythingthrough the numbness, though not often enough.

Even when I’d been held against the wall with that man’s hands on my throat, I’dfeltsomething…but when I thought back to it, I couldn’t pinpoint every sensation, every breath, every emotion. It was as if I were looking through a bubble and I couldn’t quite figure out what I needed to feel.

That was why I was here.

That and Aiden.

Because Aiden knew I needed to talk about it. And I was afraid to talk about it with anyone else.

Would I talk to him about it?

I didn’t know.

I wanted to.

He’d told me that he had feelings for me before…and I didn’t know what to make of that. Then I’d blurted the same to him and yet…yet it wasn’t the same. It couldn’t be the same. Because we were already past the part where we were. Where things could go back.

“Sienna? Talk to me about Allison.”

I pushed those thoughts away and thought of my best friend. Then it all came back.

“I want to know why. I think I’m at the angry stage of grief. Because I just want to know why she did it. And then it makes me feel selfish because it’s not about me. It was about her. And all the signs that we missed. And the fact that she’s gone and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“That is a lot in very few sentences. Why don’t we talk about it?”

“I just don’t understand. But maybe if I was supposed to understand, I would have understood before it happened.”

“You can’t change the past, Sienna. You can’t fix something that’s already happened.”

“I just didn’t see it. She was unhappy, and now she’s gone. And there’s nothing I can do.”

“Having someone you love take their own life is hard on many, many levels. Not having answers is something that you’re going to have to work through, and it may always be there for you, but I know you have a wonderful support system.”

“Allison had that same support system.”

“Yes, but I don’t know Allison, she wasn’t my patient. If she had been, this wouldn’t be something we could talk about. I don’t know what drove her to take her own life. I don’t know why she didn’t leave a note. None of us have those answers, but I’m here for you right now. I’m here for the answers that you can have. And to figure out how you’re feeling right now.”

“I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m pissed off. I’m just devastated. She was my best friend. I know Harmony and Violet are my best friends too, but Allison was my person. She was my person, and she’s gone.”

“Why don’t you tell me something that makes you happy about her. Just one memory.”

“When I was younger, I couldn’t figure out exactly how to put on my makeup the way I wanted. There weren’t exactly YouTube tutorials for that back then, even though I’m not that ancient,” I said with a laugh.

Mary just raised a brow, and considering she was a little less than a decade older than me, I should probably watch my step.

“So, every time, I ended up with dark raccoon eyes instead of the perfect smoky eye, and Allison would come over and fix it for me. Because she knew exactly how to do it with ease, with a smile.”

“Go on,” Mary said, and I did. I told her about dances, how Allison always knew how to make us laugh and was the life of the party. And we just talked.

I had talked about Allison often with my family and with the Connollys. We were all still grieving, but we were moving on. My sister and Harmony had fallen in love, and all of us were trying to figure out exactly how to make things work without answers. We had packed up Allison’s home and had broken down while doing it. But we were human. And now we needed to figure out exactly what to do.

“Why don’t you tell me what else is on your mind?” Mary said after we had talked about Allison for a little bit. We only had an hour to speak, and I hada loton my mind.

“I also told you about the attack,” I said quickly. Mary leaned forward and nodded. She didn’t touch me, and for that I was grateful. I wasn’t afraid that Mary would hurt me, but it just reminded me of the man’s hand on my throat, and even that guy’s hand on my butt at the game.