Page 32 of Forever Only Once

At those times, I couldn’t force the dreams away.

It was hard enough when I was awake. When I was awake, I couldn’t hold back the thoughts. I could, just not well enough. When I dreamt, they never went away. When I wasn’t asleep, I could tell myself that everything was fine, and the safety I had given myself was enough.

I wasn’t sure if that fear would ever go away entirely, and now that Thomas was out of jail, there would never be true safety. Especially not when he had already sent a text trying to threaten me.

I didn’t know if he was near, or if he was watching. But it didn’t matter. I had to get over it.

I had to believe.

Because I had things to do.

I showered, scrubbing my skin longer than usual because I wanted the remembered feel of his breath on the back of my neck to go away.

I didn’t think it would ever actually go away.

After, I stood there in a towel, blew out my hair, and put on the beginnings of my makeup.

I had things to do for the day, papers to grade, research to go over. Later tonight, if I actually let myself, I had a date.

Not my first one since Thomas, and not even my first date with Cross, but it was still like it was the first for everything. Perhaps because it was something deliberate this time? I had agreed to this second date. It wasn’t the first that had been accidental.

I didn’t know what it was, but it worried me enough that I couldn’t focus. I was so scared.

What if Thomas was watching? What if he ignored the restraining order? After all, it was merely a piece of paper.

And that couldn’t protect me.

I put on comfortable clothing, knowing I would change later, and then went to my office to begin work.

An hour in, and two cups of coffee later, my phone rang, and I jumped.

I cursed myself, the fear flooding my body and running down to my fingers as I calmed my breathing.

It wasn’t Thomas. No, he wouldn’t call. He would lurk, he would text, and he would save his voice and his laughter and his breath for the last.

Bile filled my throat again, tasting just like it had in my dream. I answered the phone.

“Hello?” I asked, my voice shaky.

“What’s wrong?” Paris asked.

“Just lost in grading, I suppose,” I lied.

“Talk to me, what’s wrong?” Paris asked again.

My friend was like a dog with a bone and wouldn’t let me be until she figured out what was wrong. While I loved that about her sometimes, right now, I was just tired.

Maybe tonight wouldn’t be the best night to go out on a date with Cross. I clearly wasn’t ready, and I would only make things worse by pretending that I was.

“I’m really doing fine,” I said, my voice stronger this time. “Just a little lost in grading.”

“That’s a lie, and we both know it, but I’ll let you keep to that if you want. Just know that I’m here for you. And so are the others. Talk to them if I’m too much for you.”

I winced, even though she couldn’t see me. “It’s not you. I promise. I just need to think. I love you, and I trust you with so much. You’re never too much for me,” I said honestly. Paris might be a lot to handle for some, but I loved that about her. She never took no for an answer, and she was so strong. I was a little envious.

I also knew that Paris had her own issues when it came to that strength. It was a shield, and not everybody understood that. They didn’t need to. Because it was for her and her alone. And she had her reasons.

“If you’re sure,” Paris said. “Anyway, I just wanted to check in with you to see if you’re ready for tonight.”