Page 21 of Moments in Ink

Clearly, I had been wrong. So achingly wrong that I had to rush out of my bed at that moment and throw myself into the bathroom, down on my knees as I heaved up everything that I had left in my stomach—though there wasn’t much.

Sweat coated my body, and my hands shook, so I fisted them at my sides before pushing my hair back from my face. Then, I cleaned up after myself.

It had been a while since Ash had made me throw up.

Maybe I deserved this.

I had found a little bit of happiness, joy in this past month. So much that I didn’t understand how it had even happened.

I stood in the shower now, warm water sliding over my body, a stark contrast from my dream. This feeling was far different than the cold that had threatened to kill me before.

The sensation that Ash had loved when he tried to break me, screams ripping out of my throat, death coming.

It had been a month since I had first said yes to Zia. A month, and now I didn’t know how to breathe, didn’t know how to think.

Because this couldn’t be real, couldn’t be happening.

We were just having fun and would continue having fun. That was all she wanted, as well. I had to let my subconscious do its thing but not fall into that trap.

Nothing that I had with Zia even resembled what I’d had with Ash. Ash had been an abuser, a controller, a chameleon beneath the surface.

I’d thought he loved me. Instead, he wanted to control me.

I had pulled away when I was able, but perhaps it hadn’t been quick enough.

And that was on me, even if my therapist and I agreed that it couldn’t all be on my shoulders, I still had to take some responsibility. I had ignored the warning signs, thinking that I was so much better than those who could fall for an abuser.

Or maybe I had been blind to it all.

I made a mental note to call my therapist again because I didn’t like where my thoughts were leading.

Was this all because of Zia? Because I was letting myself feel? I couldn’t blame her, because that would be wrong on many levels, but I still felt like perhaps I should be smarter than this. Maybe I shouldn’t see her again.

It didn’t matter that we’d had sex in her bed, in mine, in my shower, and on her couch. It didn’t matter that the two of us had gone out to dinner a few times, had laughed and made plans for later tonight. It didn’t matter that we’d both said that this was just casual, only fun.

My dreams were anything but casual and fun.

And while it wasn’t Zia’s fault, and I would never blame her, it was stillmyfault for letting myself fall into the temptation that was Zia Clarkson.

I washed the conditioner out of my hair and then rinsed off before jumping out of the shower and looking down at my phone as it buzzed again. I hadn’t heard it the first time, and it seemed I had missed a call. I answered this time, running a towel over my body.

“Hey there, Aaron.”

“You’re coming with me to lunch,” Aaron ordered. I rolled my eyes even though he couldn’t see me.

“You are very good at ordering me around, and yet, has it ever worked? Ever?”

“You’re right. It has never worked. But I enjoy trying. Mostly because I know you’ll do what you want. However, you have said no to my lunch date three times now, and I’m starting to take it personally.”

I snorted. “I said no because I had meetings all day.”

“But you’re off today.”

“I am. And I don’t have plans yet. Other than to change the water filter in my fridge.”

“That’s really on your calendar?” He laughed, and I couldn’t help the smile on my face.

“It is, but it’s not going to take me the whole afternoon. I’d love to have lunch with you.”