Page 114 of Under the Waves
Please prove me wrong.
Please.
Jasper didn’t look back as he walked down the beach to where all his teammates were waiting.
So quietly that I almost didn’t catch it, he whispered, one final time, “I’m sorry.”
And then
he
was
gone.
37
Jasper Ridge
Ihated myself.Those three words had haunted my thoughts for the last three or four hours…I couldn’t remember. I’d lost track. It was probably the shots. Or the beers. Or just the alcohol in general.
Ever since myepisodeon the beach, I hadn’t been able to fill this gaping void inside my chest, as if someone had pulled out a piece of me. I hadn’t had a panic attack since I was a child. I barely even remembered having them. Ididn’tget them, period. Not anymore…or so I thought.
I was so fucking weak, it was pathetic.I was pathetic.I could barely even keep myself standing at this point, all the pressure finally starting to crush me. I was useless beneath its weight. Absolutely fuckinguseless. Coach just had to go and remind me before our qualifying session that I was a fucking screw up who wasn’t even good enough to score points higher than a three-year-old.
His words stuck to me like glue, eating me alive. Doubt flooded through my veins whenever I saw him at practice. It was like he looked at me and only saw all the ways I’d failed. That I was nothing more than the mistakes I’d made.I was so fucking sick of it.I didn’t know how much longer I could hold on…
Hence the drinking. I wasn’t a big drinker but today I was feeling extra fucked up that drowning my sorrows in liquid suffering seemed like a good fucking choice. I’d probably regret that tomorrow morning butoh well.
I just wanted my brain to stop. For one damned minute. That was all. Anything to get the sound of Poppy’s voice out of my head. She didn’t deserve any of that, I knew. I fucking knew,okay?She waseverythingthis miserable world wasn’t; she was a quiet moon among a thousand blinding stars. Captivated by her light, I could’ve watch her for days on end and never once tire of the sight.
In conclusion, as Jakson would’ve said, I wascompletely, royally, and abso-fucking-luetlyfucked. To the highest degree.
As if my thoughts summoned him, I saw Jakson barely through my blurred vision.
“Sonny!” I cheered, bashing into people drunkenly swaying their hips to the bursting music. I pushed my way through the crowd until I tripped into him. His hands grasped my shoulders as he helped haul me to my feet. “What are you doing here man?”
His brows crossed. “I live here.”
Sloppily, I traced the side of his face with my finger. “There’s no light in your eyes anymore. No happiness. Why aren’t you happy anymore, Jak?”
He pushed me off him and I winced as my back hit the wall. I wasn’t usually this weak,was I?
Pathetic.
Absolutely pathetic.
How can you protect everyone now, Jasper?
Not when you can’t even protect yourself.
Coach was right about you.
You are useless.
You are weak.
You are a pathetic excuse for a captain.