Page 75 of Bloodlust

"Perhaps." He swallows, his unreadable gaze dancing across my skin. "Amongotherthings."

"Okay." I chuckle, lavishing in his overt admiration. "But I don't eat meat. No steakhouses."

He smirks. "Allmeat?"

"Funny," I jeer, giving him a shove before slipping past him. "Make a reservation, Doc. I don't do walk-ins." I look over my shoulder. "Use my name. It'll get us a table anywhere."

He nods, stiffening. "What are your plans for the rest of the day?"

"I guess—" I swallow, biting my lip as I glance at the couch where Pinto took his last breath, "—I guess I'm saying goodbye."

To both of them.

Chapter 20

Secrets

Ashes.

The cleanest form of human existence.

Free of sin, of despair, of misery.

I've seen a lot of ashes.

In my family, we don't do caskets. Sure, there are graves to visit, tombstones to sob over, fresh-cut grass on which we can lay flowers that wilt and wither. But we let the deceased go; often into the wind. My father believes that nature is the best resting ground.

We've sprinkled ashes all across the country. California for Grandma; she loved Hollywood. Texas for Pops; he was a big Ranger’s fan. I wanted to scatter Daniel in the ocean. I wanted him to be one with the sea. He loved the sea. He loved the idea of the unexplored. Untapped. The mysterious.

But Daniel wasn't my family.

I run a trembling finger along the raised ridges of Daniel's name on his tombstone, my heart aching with guilt. It's been years. Three years since I've steppedthrough these gates. Penfield Cemetery isn't where he belongs.

He deserved to be free. We talked about it once.

"When I die," Daniel muses quietly, turning toward me on the couch. "I don't want a funeral, okay? No casket, no big event..." He pauses, studying my distraught expression. "I want something simple... Easy."

"Why are you talking to me about dying?" I whisper. "Are you... Are you sick or something?"

"No, no, nothing like that." He smiles, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "Jesus, stop frowning, Cami. I'm okay, I promise. It's just...everyone dies. It's part of life. It shouldn't be such a taboo subject."

"You're not allowed to die, Danny," I say, squeezing his thigh. "At least not before me." I swallow hard. "I don't think I could live without you."

"Okay, Pooh-Bear," Danny jokes, kissing my temple. "You can live to be one hundred minus a day." He pulls away. "But I think you'd be fine, Cami." He smiles. "I'd always be with you, you know? Just...in a different way."

A light breeze sends a cooling ripple down my spine as I shift my weight, my knees digging into the damp grass.I'd always be with you. Tears well up in my eyes, my jaw tensing as my gaze flits across the bouquet of fresh sunflowers on his grave. His mother must have been here recently. My heart clenches. Guilt. So much fucking guilt.

"I know you're disappointed in me," I whisper, shaking my head as tears roll down my cheeks. "If you're really here, Danny, if you're really with me... You must be so fucking disappointed in me." I catch my breath, placing a hand on my chest. "Are you watching me,Danny? Are you seeing what I've become?" I close my eyes, soaking in the grass in a flood of guilt. "God, you must hate me. You must fucking hate me."

I know he does. I'm everything he wanted us to run away from. I'm everything he hated.

His judgment haunts me. It's with me every day. It's with me when I wake up in the morning. It's with me when I fall asleep. I can't escape it. I can't let it go.

But Ineedto let it go.

I need to let him go.

"Pinto... Pinto's gone, Danny." I open my eyes, vision blurry as I suck in a sharp breath. "He passed away last night." I sniffle, wiping my nose on my sleeve. "I'm… I'm going to set him free, Danny. I'm going to set him free in the ocean..." I let out a slow, controlled breath. "He'd like that, right? I think he'd like that.