Page 46 of Loving Jemima

“Sorry,” she said eventually. And she saw now why Jem did that, why she genuinely and immediately apologized. It felt good. “I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have said that stuff.”

“There’s a lot of expectations,” Jem said, pouring them both more wine. “There’s a way you’re supposed to be, I suppose.”

“I don’t think I could have hidden it that long,” said Ellie. “I mean, my mum probably knew before I did. Not that she liked it much, but she came around to it.”

“It’s easy when you’re in boarding school for most of the year,”said Jem, settling back. “I mean, it’s not like I spent much time around my parents. Or my brother. And…” She paused. “And I hear enough that I’m sure they wouldn’t like the truth.”

“Do you ever plan on telling them?” Ellie asked. She was aware that when Jem had sat back again she’d sat much closer than before. She was also aware of the fact that she didn’t really mind. Actually, strike that. She was starting to feel funny. Like her chest was bound in metal, like her heart was beating so hard it might do something stupid.

“What’s the point?” Jem answered. “It’s not like there’s any reason to. I mean, part of the problem with keeping all this secret is that I don’t generally meet a lot of people like me.” She looked at Ellie. “Like us.”

Her eyes were so blue that Ellie wondered if she wore contact lenses. So blue that they looked like glass. Her skin felt like it was too tight and her cheeks felt flushed and for an agonizing second she thought that she might actually fall into Jem, just splash into those eyes and give up all control of everything.

Huge mistake, her brain said. Huge, huge mistake.

“I suppose not,” Ellie said. She sniffed. “Still, there’s always picking up one night stands in clubs, I guess.”

She’d thought that Jem might laugh at this, that the atmosphere might be broken, that she might escape from this whirlpool that seemed to be dragging her in. But Jem didn’t. Instead she turned slightly so that they were almost face to face.

“I never said anything about one night stands.”

“Did you not?” Ellie said, voice croaking more than she’d like. “I could have sworn…”

“No,” Jem said. “I didn’t. And you turned me down flat.”

There was a long, long minute where all they did was look at each other. Then Jem turned to move, to get up and Ellie felt strangely like her heart was being torn out, like Jem was pulling her skin off as she got further away.

“I didn’t say that,” she blurted out.

“What?” asked Jem, turning back, sitting on the very edge of the sofa.

Ellie waited, trying and failing to make a different decision. “Before, when you said I absolutely wasn’t interested in you. I didn’t say that.”

Water in the courtyard fountain trickled and a breeze blew in through the open curtains and then impossibly, unwisely, incredibly, Jem was leaning over her. Ellie waited for a heartbeat that lasted an hour and then lifted her face to let their lips meet.

Chapter Nineteen

If she thought for too long, or closed her eyes for a second, or stopped thinking for a moment, she could feel Jem’s lips on hers. Which was fine, better than fine, it was nice, it was soft and perfect and steamy and a bunch of other adjectives that made Ellie’s stomach feel like it was on fire. But then her breath would catch in her throat and a band would tighten across her chest and she’d think that she was going to have another panic attack.

“Just let me get back to the office,” she begged under her breath, heels clattering on the pavement as she rushed back.

She didn’t know who she was begging, but she added a silent addendum that whoever it was also let her forget that she had actually made an idiot of herself as well.

Maybe more than an idiot of herself.

Pulling out from the kiss had been like extracting herself from some kind of wetsuit, difficult, almost painful, and yet highly necessary. She’d finally managed to break contact and then Jem’s eyes had been staring into hers and she’d almost lost herself again.

So she’d stood up, brushed off her trousers, cleared her throat and said: “Yes, this place will do nicely. Go over our dates with the event coordinator and get everything set up.” And then she’d turned on her heel and marched away without even looking back.

And now she was about to have a panic attack in front of a Tesco Express. She hurried on. If she could make it to the newsagent on the corner she had more faith that a passerby would help. Tesco Express people were in a hurry, the clue was in the name, they’d never stop.

As it was, she made it all the way to the office building where she practically collided with Carys who was coming down the stairs as she was attempting to go up them.

“Iesu mawr!” Carys took a step back, steadying herself with the banister. Then she peered closer at Ellie. “You alright there? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Ellie opened her mouth to speak, but just at that moment it started to be difficult to get air, so she hiccuped and began to pant instead, not a good look.

“Sit, sit,” Carys said, pulling her down until they were both perched on the stairs. “Alright now, deep breaths, just like Mo showed you, alright, love? In and out, in through the nose, that’s right.”