Page 76 of Loving Jemima
“So…” Carys blew out a big sigh. “So, I’m not sure I should and I’m confused about everything and…”
“Take a deep breath.”
Carys closed her eyes. “Mo’s great. They make me laugh, they know me inside out, and there were definite sparks.”
“All of which are good things. So what’s the problem?”
“The problem is me.” She opened her eyes again. “I’m an intolerant fucker, that’s the problem.”
“That’s not even close to being true,” Ellie said.
“Is it not? Then why is it bothering me that Mo has a penis?”
Ellie let those words echo around the room for a second, trying to grasp the full meaning of them. Then she took hold of Carys’s hand. “You’re not an intolerant fucker,” she said. “You’re not. I know you’re not, and Mo knows that too.”
“How can that be true?” said Carys miserably.
“Listen, this is something you and Mo have got to sit down and talk about. It’s something that was sure to come up and you’ll need to go through it together.”
“Right.”
Ellie squeezed her hand. “Listen, Car, I think I kind of get it. You’ve never even experimented with a man before, have you?”
“Not interested, I’ve only ever been interested in girls. And Mo.”
“Well, Mo isn’t a girl. But they’re not a man either. So this is brand new territory. You’ve got no experience with this, and neither have I. But Mo does, Mo’s been dealing with it their whole life. So I think Mo is probably the one you need to be speaking to.”
“Yeah,” Carys said, squeezing her hand back. “Yeah, you’re right. I just… I just didn’t know if it was alright to bring it up, that’s all.”
“For all you know, Mo feels exactly the same way about your… um, you know.”
“Vagina, you can say it,” Carys said. She sniffed again. “And that’s a fair point, I suppose.”
“So, if you’re really interested and this is really important, then the two of you need to have a conversation. It’s that simple.”
“Huh. It is pretty simple. See, I knew I needed to talk to you about things, you always make life seem clearer,” Carys said, sipping at her tea.
Ellie sipped her own tea, let the warmth run through her.
“Penny for your thoughts,” said Carys.
Ellie frowned. “I was just thinking, what with Jem and now Paul, and you and Mo, I really don’t know anyone, do I? It seems like no one’s who I think they are.”
“I’m not weird. And I’ve not changed,” said Carys.
“You are indisputably weird. And there’s nothing wrong with changing.”
“Is there not? You’re the one that wants to live a comfortable life.”
The words hung in the air again. Ellie sighed and looked at her book sitting on the coffee table. Constable was curled up in front of the window, bird watching. And for the first time in a long time she didn’t feel like being home alone, reading, sleeping.
“Want to have a sleepover?”
“Yes,” Carys said firmly. “But you have to paint my nails.”
“What?”
“That’s what happens at sleepovers and besides, I think Mo will like it.”