Page 48 of Your Rule to Break
Chapter 26
Emilie
Even the weather seemsto be on the Cosmos’ side. If they were scheduled to play on Sunday, the game would’ve had to move or be rescheduled. Luckily, they got the Monday night slot.
It’s Monday afternoon, and the city is back to normal. The flooding has receded, the subway is back on schedule, and I’m sitting at my favorite coffee shop with an iced coffee.
My schedule with True Blue Records is flexible—I do what I need to do, when it needs to be done. Willow and I meet at least once a week, when it works with both of our schedules. I'm supposed to be working on finding new openers for Willow’s next tour leg, to share with her for our meeting on Wednesday. The fact that she fought to do a smaller, more intimate tour, has allowed me to learn this part of the business.
When she interviewed me for the assistant position, one of the questions she asked was, “What do you want to learn?” I answered with a quick, “Whatdon’tI want to learn?” It sounded a little cheesy in the moment, but I meant it. I crave the new, whether that’s learning, places, or things to explore. Willow has taken full advantage of that answer and I’ve learned more in the last eighteen months, in an industry I’m unfamiliar with, than I ever did in a year-long college internship.
Right now, all I can think about is Zack. The video. Our fight. Him staying over. Me spilling my guts about something only a handful of people know about. I’m like emotional vegetable soup.
On one hand, with a little space, I feel awful about the leaked video. Zack didn’t ask for that, and I’m fairly certain it came from a place of “let me get you back.” I don’t know Cassie personally, but it doesn’t seem a coincidence that she saw us together and then the video made its rounds. Yes, Zack made that choice, but for it to come out a year later? That’s bold.
On the other, I’m jealous. I can say that to myself, in the hustle and bustle of this coffee shop, tucked in a corner booth where people can barely see me. I’ve always felt something for Zack, call it a crush or catching feelings, but I've never acted on them. Like, it wasn’t even in the realm of possibility.
Zack was right. I had a chance to tell him no, not to do the whole fake dating thing for my sister’s wedding, but I didn’t. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out why.
Then there’s the whole Zack taking care of me aspect. He took charge. Made me feel safe. He dressed me, for crying out loud. This thing happened to him—the video and my reaction—and he made me feel like a priority.
Once everything had calmed down and the power came back on, Zack left my apartment early Saturday morning. The only communication we’ve exchanged since then was him asking if I was going to the game, and I said I was. Willow’s out of town, and Zack’s family isn’t coming—doesn’t feel right not to have someone there for him.
If this is fake, why are you so upset?
The question that I keep coming back to. But now, the answer is easy: it’s because I never wanted this to be fake.
Now, I'm sitting at this coffee shop, listening to the same track from the same potential opening artist, for probably the fifth time, trying to figure out what I’m going to do next.
My phone buzzes with a text from Willow.
Willow
you are kidding me with this
you two are adorable
I open what she sent, and it takes me to one of Zack’s social media accounts. It’s a picture of me in his jersey after the first home game, and I'm smiling over my shoulder. He must’ve taken it as I was turning back around. When I swipe, I see a picture of the two of us, the selfie we took after the game.
It’s the caption that makes my jaw drop:here’s to one of the strongest women I know, with a Cosmos blue heart emoji.
This is him making a statement on the video, without making a statement directly. This is the post telling everyone he’s still with me—I’m still in the picture. But more importantly, this is Zack telling me he thinks I'm strong.
When I think about how I’ve struggled with my OCD, in various forms, I’ve never looked at myself as strong. I’ve always been embarrassed; wished my brain was different and did my best to hide it from everyone I could. It’s hard to understand obsessive-compulsive disorder, especially with the way people have started using it as a term that describes someone who likes things organized. Compulsions are not fun—they’re not something to romanticize. They’re something that makes you feel out of control with dire consequences if you don’t go along with it.
Obsessive-compulsive disorders have a lot of rules.
I let Zack in on one of my darkest corners—he saw it in action—and he’s still here... telling me I'm strong. My cheeks pinch from an anxious smile, because this is such a disaster. Murky chaos at best.
It’s hard not to compare Zack and Mitch to learning about this piece of me. Even after all this time, Mitch’s reaction is a punch to the gut.He once told me, “You’re a lot of work” when I asked if we could make a coffee stop after a night of pacing. Believe me, he meant it. This was before we stopped sleeping over at each other’s places. He’d blame it on work, needing to get up early or the commute, but it only happened after I woke up one night, frantic and checking my pulse.
Then he found his way to the better sister—the one who lives to be agreeable and doesn’t wake up from a dead sleep wondering if she’s alive, or if something terrible is going to happen if you don’t immediately get out of bed.
Therapy taught me there’s not “a better sister” storyline at play, and I believe my therapist. But it’s still something I spent too much time thinking about, and where my brain still goes when it’s really looking to hurt my feelings.
It’s like I'm the ribbon on a tug-of-war rope, being pulled back and forth between what I should care about. Zack. The video. Zack taking care of me. What this means. What I do next.
This is a lot to take in. Immediately, I start to laugh, my favorite coping mechanism when I’m overwhelmed.