Page 40 of So Long, Honey
“I know, I know!” I said, wetting my bottom lip and tilting my chin to the sky to stop the tears that threatened to fall. “I’m trying, alright.”
“Our futures ride on this game, Cody. You’re future, and if you want a chance at giving Rae the one she deserves, you have to win this with us. We need you.” He clapped his hand to my shoulder and leveled with me.
“Okay, alright!” I shoved him back and rolled out my shoulders.
After the longest practice of our lives, I ended up on the floor of Landry’s bedroom watchingTremorswhile Mary and him made out on his bed. I tilted my head backward and could see Lorraine’s window at a skewed angle, which only made me more sad.
“Do you think she’s okay?” I asked, my voice breaking through the volume of the TV and the soft sounds of them giggling at each other from the bed.
“What?” Mary was the first to respond, her head peeking out over the mattress to look at me.
“Do you think Rae is okay?” I pushed up onto my elbows and put my attention on Mary.
“I don’t think Mr. Field would be home if she wasn’t,” she said, but her eyes told a different story—they were so sad and soft. She was just as worried as I was.
“Maybe you’re right, I hope you are, but…” I trailed off, letting the darker thoughts invade the light spaces that Mary was trying to create for me.
“I’ll go over tomorrow. Mr. Field will be more receptive to me, and I’ll try to figure out what’s going on. You have a game to win.”
She was right, but deep down, the game was starting to matter less and less.
CODY
“Alright, boys, bring it in,” Coach said, holding out his arms to us. We all formed a loose huddle in the dugout. The lights above the diamond burned bright and buzzed in tandem with the overwhelming noise from the crowd.
It was hard enough to think, let alone listen to whatever bullshit speech Coach was about to dole out. Today’s game against Perrin wouldn’t be an easy win, less so because we were the away team. The chant coming from the bleachers was solely for the Perrin Pumas, with very little support flooding in from town for us.
Parents and a few friends had made the three-hour trip to the town over, but not enough to drown out the constant reminder that we were in enemy territory. Every mile we drove out of town tore a small strip off my already hemorrhaging heart. I missed Lorraine. I missed her more than any seventeen-year-old boy should miss anyone. But I couldn’t stop the feelings once they had started. I didn't have control over the monster that formed inside of me.
Life didn’t have the same glow without her around.
“Cody, pay attention!” Coach snapped, and his hand clapped against the back of my head. “We go out hard, we keep our swings loose and our throws tight. No funny business today. There’s too much riding on this game, not only for the school but for the few of you phasing out next year. The scouts are here. Make them pay attention.”
“Yes, Coach!” We all barked in unison.
“On the count of three,” he said and counted us into a tight cheer that did nothing for our nerves.
Perrin was tough; they played dirty, and all their guys looked like they were thirty years old. After missing nearly two weeks of games… I felt out of practice. All my muscles were tighter than usual, my throat was dry, and my fingers were stiff as I grabbed my bat from the fenced-out area.
I dug my heel into the sand to ground myself and closed my eyes, but Lorraine was there, in the darkness, with her serene smile and glassy blue eyes.One day, my kids would have thoseeyes,her smile, her heart,I thought.One day, I would be enough for her.
“You alright?” Landry’s voice cut through the peace like a hot knife, and I opened my eyes. The rush of an inordinate amount of noise flowed back in around me, and my bubble popped.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I said, but his fingers curled around my shoulder. “I’m a mess, but I’ve played in worse conditions,” I admitted under his gaze.
Landry watched me for a second longer before backing away to his position on deck. In any other game, on any other day, I would have fought for first at-bat, but today, I wasscared.The Perrin pitcher knew it too because as I stepped into the batter's back, a sick smile spread across his ugly face, and he turned to give his first baseman a look that meant trouble.
I did my best to fill my lungs with fresh air, to focus on the smell of damp grass, and turned over sand. I counted carefully to ten in my head before stepping in on the Ump’s call and tightening my hands on the bat.
The pitcher stepped back, his body angled toward me with his hand in his glove and his eyes baring down on my shoulders. I watched him count in his head before pulling his arm back and releasing the ball. It hurled toward me, and before I could register what was going on, the ball was in the catcher's glove, and I was on strike one.
“Come on, Cody. Focus.” Coach grumbled from the dugout, just loud enough for me to heal. For a man who shrugged off me missing today’s game, he sure was putting a lot on my shoulders. The stress was enough to make my back leg shake as the pitcher aimed to embarrass me a second time.
I inhaled again, steadying myself for the incoming pitch. I swung hard this time but still managed to fuck it up. The ball jumped far right and was called foul the second it left the box. I stepped back and looked up at the darkening sky to find my center, but my stomach dropped.
With the blaring diamond lights and smack dab in the middle of Perrin, there wasn’t a star in sight. The sky was pitch black and suddenly, I felt even more alone than I had before.
Lorraine was nowhere to be found.