Page 25 of Love is So Mean
Chapter 14
Enrique
Iknow she said she was fine. By the time the dance was over, she felt well enough to go on her own to take her medicine. Still, the reminder of how she would have fallen on the floor if I wasn’t there to catch her flashes through my mind more times than I like. She didn’t ask for this illness any more than I asked to be in the excruciatingly small circle of people privy to her condition.
Yet, I know and I cannot ignore it. It’d wear on my conscience if something happened to her and I did nothing with my knowledge. For this reason, I have no choice but to risk another blow to my relationship with Emily. I must go see for myself that Yasmeena is alright.
I have to assume something is still wrong because she would never be away from one of her events this long. She may be a mystery but some things are habits; being present for business is one of them. I did my best to stay put since Emily was not happy about me dancing with Yasmeena, but my texts and phone calls have gone unanswered. Now, I’m outside of her room for the second time this weekend. I knock and wait a minute until my anxiety has me swiping her room card once again. All the tripswe’ve taken, all the rooms I’ve known about, and this weekend is the first trip I’ve ever had to use her key.
“Yasmeena,” I call out from the door. I move in further when she doesn’t answer.
The room is too calm for my liking. I call out her name again and stand in the middle of the room, listening for something, anything to give me a clue. I hear a sniffle coming from the bathroom. The door is open and the light is off. I move further into the space, allowing my eyes to adjust to the low light.
Yasmeena is on the floor wearing nothing but her bikini underwear. I would be completely distracted by her exposed breasts if something more extraordinary wasn’t happening. I didn’t know she could cry. I bend near her and tuck my finger under her chin so I can see her tear streaked face.
“What’s wrong?”
“I thought I had all the time in the world, Enrique but now, I know I don’t. My surgery is scheduled for Tuesday. I can’t have what I’ve always dreamt of having anymore. I know that now.”
The sadness in her voice climbs inside of me and squeezes at my heart.
“Wait, what surgery? What caused this? Are you in pain right now?”
Yasmeena chuckles but there’s no amusement in it. “I’m always in pain. I don’t care about that. I need to have my cancerous cells removed via surgery and that increases infertility. I didn’t want to do that but now, that’s the choice I’m left with. I’m coming to terms with it but it's just… I don’t know. I had a moment.”
I grab one of the towels because I’m not sure she’s aware that her breasts are on full display. I drape it over her shoulders and sit next to her.
“A moment?”
“Yes, a moment where I entertained the idea that I don’t want to do this and that I want a baby. That I need you but that’s all it is, a moment.”
I don’t speak for a moment because there was a lot more riding on this than I anticipated. I know she’s very detail oriented so it’s surprising to find that she had an entire plan that rested solely on me.
“I know you told me that there weren’t more potential husbands earlier, but I still thought you’d think of someone else. You’re usually so tenacious with your goals.”
“It dwindled once I found out my diagnosis. There’s a difference between pre-cancer Yasmeena getting a husband and now. No one would have kept their mouth shut and they’re under my family’s thumb. So yes, there aren't any.”
Damn, I’m so tired of her family and I haven’t officially met them. I never needed to meet them and definitely don’t want to now. I’d feel compelled to fight one of them if we ever met.
“And I can’t just be a secret donor?”
“There is enough news surrounding my family and our last name. I can’t pop up pregnant one day without a husband, as much as we want to think the business world and society has changed, they’ll crucify me in the blogs and the media. I’ve worked too hard to lose everything I’ve built, I would rather not have to subject my child to scrutiny every single moment of his or her life, even if I wanted a baby that bad.”
It all sounds terrible. It shouldn't be so difficult for a woman to make a choice to be a single mother but I also understand her concerns because I know exactly what she means. Somehow her desire to be a single mother would somehow affect her business sense.
“Okay, I’m listening.”
“I’ve always wanted one thing and that’s to be a mother. A good mother but like I said, I have come to terms that sometimesno matter what, what you want cannot happen. It’s not the end of the world, right? Plus, the pain, I was willing to endure it for my baby but now, there’s no point.”
I know this isn’t a manipulation tactic, Yasmeena just isn’t built that way because of her disorder, she’s just saying what's on her mind. Each revelation makes me more sad about the entire situation. My attempt to check on her and possibly make things better is just making it all worse. Would I be a constant reminder of what she lost?
“Fuck, I’m so sorry, Yasmeena. It’s not an easy thing to just decide to leave someone you love to help someone with such a request. I didn’t know everything was this bad …” I should have known it was since she asked me. I should have understood that she would not have risked alienating her CFO if she had other options. “I’m not trying to torture you, it’s just a difficult thing to consider.”
“I don't need you to feel bad for me. You said no and that’s fine. I understand!” Yasmeena raises her voice a bit. Standing she snatches the towel off and throws it. “I understood not being able to give me what I needed. You said no and I said okay. Your answer was crucial to my decision afterwards and that’s something I didn’t have to disclose with you. Either way, don’t feel sad, bad, or guilty about it. It’s done. I’ll be just fine. Do you understand that?”
I stand as well so I can be eye level or higher since I’m the only one concerned about her near nudity.
“No. I’m not wired like you so I’m going to feel however the information makes me feel, Yasmeena. And if you want me to consider the entire thing, you need to give me all of the information, it’s not for you to choose what you think will and won’t be important to me when I’m trying to make a life altering decision. The stuff you’re telling me now shines a completely different light on the issue. I can’t read your mind. You have totell me these things. You’d just given me paperwork and said to let you know. As much as you can see it as just another business deal, it isn’t. This involves people’s lives. The child included.”