Page 26 of Love is So Mean
“Okay,”she wipes her tears. “What do you want to know?”
“The important stuff, not the facts on a sheet. Cancer is different for everyone. I can't know what you are going through or your personal stakes from a sheet of paper. The constant pain and the fact that you always wanted to be a mother isn’t in the packet you gave me. Do you see the difference?”
I’m trying to remain objective but damn I want to hug all her pain away and not in a romantic way. She needs a friend more than anything.
“I see the difference but I can’t just tell people anything or have it written down somewhere so they can use it against me. That’s why I asked you to be my husband and the father of my child. I am aware of how you work and what you’ll do but seeing how you are with your fiancée, I know that you’ll put your love and all into the child. Like what you consider to be normal. I’ll never know what it feels like to be normal but I’ll do my part and do my best. Since I’m not having the baby anymore, I needed to face the facts and give up on my dream.”
“I don’t know who you’re referring to when you say ‘they” but it’s not about them right now. This is about me and I would never betray you like that.”
“I know you wouldn’t. I told you, I trust you. Only.”
Her words have a much bigger impact than she understands. It’s one thing to trust me at work or think I’m competent at my job. It’s another to be the only person she is wholeheartedly putting her faith in to help her with such an important goal.
Yasmeena’s decision isn’t based on some romantic relationship we have but more off of her seeing something inside of me that she deems worthy. This would give a narcissist a powerful high. It’s me or nothing.
“Okay. It gives me a much clearer picture of what I was supposed to consider. You said in name only when you first asked me, how exactly am I to father this child if I changed my mind?”
“You can have your inputs and see the child, I’m not a barbarian. It also makes it easier once you and Emily get together again. You’ll end up having your kids with her but you’ll be used to a routine to see mine.”
“I’ll come back to that. I meant how do you expect me to get you pregnant? What method?”
“Naturally.”
I’m not prone to blushing, especially not as an adult man but this is such a departure from Yasmeena and my relationship. Yet, here I am standing in her hotel room with her not caring that she’s damn near naked while she tells me in the most Yasmeena way that she want me to marry her then fuck a baby into her. Not sure what I was expecting but I’m damn near speechless.
“Um…” I start as I scratch the back of my head, looking for a proper response.
“So you wouldn’t want to have sex naturally to conceive? It’s the only way I’m getting pregnant. No IVF, no labs or anything like that.”
“I just didn’t consider it. I thought if I agreed to be your husband, I’d be your shield for insemination since you emphasized name only. The paternity wouldn’t be questioned because I’d be there.” I look away for a second as I think. I would have to completely sever my attachment to Emily to help Yasmeena. Even if she heard it from Yasmeena herself, Emily would still swear there were more feelings involved in this request. “And must we have this conversation with you in this condition?”
“Insemination? Because I’m so cold I couldn’t possibly want to get pregnant naturally? And what condition? I don’t cry much, I just needed something. I had to let go of everything somehow.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that. If you need to cry, cry. I mean your near naked condition. And no, I never thought about your sex life or lack thereof. The phrase ‘name only’ to me meant no contact when you presented all of this.Thisis why specifics are necessary. If I agreed and we got married I wouldn't have known that you expect us to conceive naturally.”
“In name only had the details of me raising the baby by myself until my untimely demise given that the longer I wait, the closer I am to surgery and treatments not working or responding.”
“Do you really believe I’d have Emily to go back to after all of this?”
“Why wouldn’t you? She loves you and by then, you can tell her. Are you uncomfortable with me being near naked? Kidding. I'll put on a robe, if you could just…” she looks around the room as if noticing the dim light. “Get the light for me. I can’t move now that I’ve noticed it.”
“Most women cannot and will not go back to a man who left them for another woman, no matter the reasons. Just like I want all of your cards on the table, I have to tell you mine. Helping you can mean the end of my relationship. Forever.”
“Then say no. If you don’t want to lose your relationship but I have to know, what will that do to you, if you do? What’s going to happen?”
“What will happen if we break up?”
“We? As in you and me?”
“I’m asking for clarification on your previous question.”
“Yes, what will happen if you and your fiancée break up?”
“It will hurt my heart. I’m in love with Emily.” The truth is the best way to go with this situation. We both have to knowwhat it takes to honor Yasmeena’s request. “I’d also have to find somewhere else to live because I’d back out of buying the house I’m leasing. There is no point in having a house that size by myself. Plus, No one is going to believe that I didn’t cheat on her with you if our marriage gets out. I will look like a gold digger after your money.”
“We won’t tell anyone. I know you love Emily and I know you’ll love her for the entirety of our marriage, which won’t be long but gossip, magazine articles, all of that fades. You get used to it. You won’t have to worry about a house or being considered a gold digger, trust me, they’ll forget it quickly because you’re a man. It’s harsh but it’s the reality.”
There isn’t much else I can say about the arrangement but something she said comes to mind. “Why can’t you move?”