Page 29 of Love is So Mean

My sigh is long and slow as my driver pulls up in front of my house. The sun is close to setting but that isn’t what makes my view of it dull. One weekend is all it took for me to no longer view my home with reverence. It’s now a reminder of problems I’d love to solve.

My nerves spike and I have to close my eyes to calm my inner turmoil. I feel torn and I hate how it makes me question everything. I’m not prone to indecisiveness. Emily and I can’t end this way but no matter the angles or how I try to analyze the facts, my brain keeps circling back to one thing:she needs me. Yasmeena needs my sperm and there is only one way she’s willing to get it.

Emily loves and wants me but she doesn’t need me. I’m not saying I need to be needed, but the difference between awantandneedis major for the person on the other side. Yasmeena’s issues are much larger than Emily’s.

No one should have to go through something as difficult as cancer alone. Yasmeena has shared more with me in the last week than she has in the four years I’ve been here. I have no reason to doubt her. Her offer is very matter-of-fact, no underlying agenda.

There is no way to help Yasmeena and keep Emily. It’s not like I can ask for space to maybe have a second chance a year or so from now. Still, I just don’t want to hurt Emily. My NDA would continue to hurt her because there will be a lot ofquestions that will go unanswered. I can’t let her go. I love her too much. For that reason, I must give Yasmeena the bad news and pray that she finds a replacement who she can trust.

I would like to keep my job, but I have a draft of a resignation letter that I don’t want to give just in case. I hope just seeing it will be enough for Emily to calm down because I choose her.

I choose Emily.

Climbing out of the car, I rebutton my blazer then grab my laptop bag. Rolling my neck, I attempt to take some tension out of my body. Tonight is going to hurt no matter the outcome.

“Emily?” I call out once I’m inside.

The house is very quiet. Too still. My vision blurs a little and my eyes sting as I walk through the house. Something is off. I feel it in my bones no matter how much I want to pretend that it isn’t. My heart crumbles more as I notice some things aren’t where they used to be.

Writing is on the wall and I know exactly what I’ll find once I enter our room. My tears escape as my heart breaks. She left me. Emily’s request wasn’t a request; it was an ultimatum presented as a request.

I cover my mouth to keep from screaming in pain. My breaths are rapid so I lean on the wall to catch my breath. It hurts so much for different reasons. The biggest blow is her lack of faith and trust in me.

Once I can breathe again, I pull out my phone and dial her number with a shaky hand. It goes straight to voicemail. My text doesn’t give me a delivered notice nor is it the correct color.

“She fucking blocked me,” I growl in the silence, my words echo in the empty house. I can’t believe she’d leave me like this without a word after three years together.

An envelope on the bed grabs my attention, crawling on to the bed, I drop down on it and open what Emily left me. The engagement ring falls on the bed. Another tear falls, blinding mefor a moment. Using the back of my hand, I wipe them away and look at the note.

Enrique,

It hurts to say goodbye, but I must. I received an offer that I couldn’t refuse. I planned to turn it down to stay with you but accepted it out of anger Friday night. I can’t back out. If you really want to be with me, leave that job and come to New York.

Love,

Emily.

Sadness and anger mix with hurt leading the charge. Emily didn’t give me a chance to answer her. My pillow cushions my head when I fall back. It hurts so much I’m numb. It was always hard for me to emote pain because I prefer to shut it down. This time is no different.

The wound is there and will be there for a long time. While I know that I’ll have periodic bouts of sadness, my brain always chooses to work on planning the next phase.What is the next phase?

My phone vibrates and I grab it fast in case it’s Emily.

Yasmeena: You owe me a decision in an hour.

I put down the phone and allow my sadness to consume me for about 15 minutes. Emily chose her career and made the choice for me to do the same. My mind goes back to my earlier concern, if I run after her and try to be with her in New York, willshe do something like this again? How many times would I have to change something to appease her?

Rising, I take a shower and throw on a T-shirt with some jeans then leave the house. I get in my car to drive myself to my destination. I need the time to focus on anything but what I'm about to do. I nod at security and they wave me through to the house.

I ring the doorbell before I change my mind.

Yasmeena opens the door, confused that I’m there.

“How did you get here?”

My laugh is a short burst of amusement. “Your entire staff knows me.”

She nods like she accepts my explanation. “Okay, why are you here?”