Page 67 of Love is So Mean

When Yasmeena told me Emily was here, pain radiated in my chest as if my heart was at war with itself. Dancing with her made it worse. I loved Emily more than I loved any other woman I’ve ever dated and that wasn’t enough for us to make it. She somehow thought the worst of me with very little provocation. That’s the part that is stuck; it’s what keeps me from running to wherever she is and asking to start over. If she doubted me when I was completely true to her, how and the hell could she trust me after a divorce?

I did not give myself completely for her to use doubt as a reason to walk away from me. Pivoting, I turn to move in the opposite direction just as I see the last bit of Yasmeena’s gold dress disappear into the bathroom. I contemplate going to stand near the restroom like a lost puppy when I see Emily disappear into the same bathroom.

Two steps propel me forward before I stop and think. I cannot make a scene and I can’t exactly follow them into the bathroom. All I can do is hope that they behave. Let me rephrase that. I can only hope thatEmilybehaves. Yasmeena isn’t programmed to blow up at the sight of my ex.

It’s only been a few minutes but it feels like an agonizing hour. Finally, Yasmeena reappears. I stare at her, looking for signs of distress be it her cancer or her run in with Emily.

Her expression is slightly pinched but I recognize her expression as the one she has when she’s trying to mask her pain. Walking towards her, I open my arms so she can walk into them.

My fears are confirmed when she leans in without a fight.

“Breathe,” I whisper. “I told you we can go at any time, Yas. I don’t want you to have to hide your pain.”

I rub her back as I hold her, giving her the moment Emily probably stole from her. Emily exits, her face is streaked with tears. Emily stands in the hallway staring at me with my arms wrapped around Yasmeena. I don’t bother to stiffen or move because it is what it is at this point. Even with the pain etched on her face, I know Yasmeena needs me more. It hurts my heart that the two women I swore to protect are both in pain for different reasons. Some of Emily’s pain is self-inflicted; Yasmeena didn’t ask for cancer.

Our eyes stay locked until Emily’s face crumples with fresh tears and she runs in the opposite direction. There is still part ofme that wants to chase her and make it better but I won’t. Even if we’re no longer together, I still do not like to see her cry.

Yasmeena clears her throat and moves out of the hold.

“What happened in there?”

“Nothing, it’s fine. Go check on Emily. Make sure she doesn’t say anything we don’t need being released about us.” She says in that monotone icy tone she uses for work.

I ignore that she just talked to me like a random employee because I know she was just in pain and while what she says is valid, I don’t think going after my ex is a good look.

“Isn’t there someone else who can go talk to her?”

“Like who? She’s crying and another woman saw us in there, her crying and me, stoic as hell. The narrative will be worse if she says something or someone sees her in that state. We don’t have our assistants here to clean this shit up so, you’re the only one who can.”

She’s right but I don’t like it or her tone. I look at her a moment longer, telling myself that this isn’t a good place or time to argue.

“Go. Go find the love of your life.”

Yasmeena has grated every nerve I have and I don’t understand the deterioration of our progress in one brief bathroom trip. Detached or not, I didn’t do anything to warrant this.

Leaning in, I cup the back of her head and bring my lips to her temple. “Watch it, Yasmeena.”

I place the kiss in case someone is watching then move around her to go find Emily.

Chapter 40

Yasmeena

Iknew Enrique was upset when he told me to watch it but I didn’t say anything wrong. Emily stated that she was the love of his life and he was hers, it was a good reminder, not that I needed it but it was.

When he walked away, I opted out of going back to sit and watch everything. The pain was gone but I needed a break from having to pretend I want to speak to people for more than an hour. Texting Drew helped because he already had an exit plan, slipping out the back, I met him and he escorted me to the car.

I'm not leaving Enrique behind, I’m just taking this moment alone. I don’t know what my problem is but Emily’s words seem to irritate me. Something that she couldn’t have done months ago yet here I am in the car, ready to just end the night.

Drew isn’t in the car with me which gives me such quietness that it feels odd. I’m aware now that I’m used to having someone around me. It makes me wonder what I’ll do once this contract is over for Enrique and I. Once I’m pregnant, a lot of things will change so maybe Emily is right… maybe I’ll just have to give him back and that irritates me. I don’t like it.

I close my eyes and rest my head until a soft knock wakes me up. Drew opens the opposite door and Enrique slides in. Neitherof us say anything as Drew drives us home.Home…I just called it our home, that’s not right, is it?

Emily’s words play on a loop throughout the car ride home and with each loop, I let it cement in my mind.

He doesn’t love you. He’s never going to love you because he loves me…

She’s right and I didn’t expect him to. I still don’t but it doesn’t mean I like how she said it.