Page 68 of Love is So Mean
I don’t need anyone to love me. I just need a baby. This is why I’m in this… isn’t it?
When we reach the house, Drew lets us out and we walk into the lit foyer.
“What was your attitude about at the gala?”
Thought he’d wait until I at least got my heels off.
“All I did was state the truth.”
He walks away from me but stops mid stride and angrily turns back to me. “Don’t ever try to use the fact that I have feelings against me. You may not be emotional but you know exactly what you did at the gala.”
“Yeah, I reminded you. The same way I was reminded. That’s all.”
“I don’t need a reminder about what I do and don’t feel, Yasmeena. I asked you to respect me as your husband, don’t try to dismiss me like that again.”
There aren’t any words coming out of my mouth but I do look at Enrique. I don’t know if it’s for a minute or longer but I just look at him. I nod and walk away. I knew I had the ability to get upset, it’s about the only emotion that seems to function with this disorder but I’m upset.
Maybe taking him or whatever the hell I did wasn’t the right choice. Maybe having a baby isn’t the right decision either. I don’t know…
My mind is running a mile a minute as I remove my heels once I’m in the room. The dress goes next then I go to the bathroom to remove the makeup. I can’t seem to shut being upset down. I don’t get it. Neither Emily nor Enrique have ever gotten me irritated or upset before so I just don’t understand.
Enrique isn’t wrong, I said it that way and in that tone because I wanted a reminder. Something to stick to is that this will always be our situation.
I walk back into the room as Enrique is shedding his tuxedo. I ignore how interesting it is to see him removing his watch while only wearing his underwear as I head towards the walk-in. Although I often don’t run, I know I need it. It helps with my thought process and I need to understand what is happening. To place what’s happening at this moment.
Putting on my running shorts, a sports bra, a light jacket, along with socks and sneakers. I make my way out of the walk-in bypassing a silent Enrique.
“Where are you going?”
His question stops me and I turn to face him.
“Tonight is the perfect night to remind ourselves that we’re husband and wife in name only.”
He sighs hard. “Yas, I’m not in the mood for this shit tonight.”
His words are saying something but I can’t connect. That’s the biggest flaw or whatever I can call it, that is either an advantage or a disadvantage in this scenario. I’m sure that maybe it would’ve been easier had it been someone else here right now and maybe that’s what it needs to be.
Emily, maybe?
Her words sparked something that charged the way I spoke to Enrique earlier but they weren’t wrong. She is the love of his life and it won’t change. That’s something I can live with since Ionly need one thing from Enrique. The only reason he married me.
Without bothering to respond, I grab my cell and other essentials for the run. I need to think and figure out what’s happening to me and why Emily’s words got a rise out of me. They shouldn’t have even affected me in the first place.
My run doesn’t help as I try to understand and figure out what is happening. From giggling with Enrique to allowing myself to kiss him on the lips. I ran as far as it took me and now, my body is ready to step back in the house, the same house that I just ran away from. It’s a bad habit that I thought I shook off a long time ago but I guess not.
Once I step into the house, it reminds me of the way it used to be before; silent and lonely. Something that I’m used to and I shouldn’t try to change. There are things that I understood even before getting therapy and there are others things I am trying to understand while being in therapy. Enrique is here in the room but there’s no words or acknowledgement of each other, it should’ve been this way from the beginning instead of kissing and touching each other like we were meant to be lovers.
He loves Emily and Emily loves him. I’ve never doubted it nor have I been searching for him to love me as well. To say I don’t believe in love would be a lie, I know it’s there and that it can be real but I don’t feel it. I’ve never felt it so to search for something that I don’t remember ever experiencing would be moot. It would be ridiculous and I am not known for my ridiculousness.
My walls are reconstructing itself as I take a shower, Enrique and I will be done as soon as I become pregnant. The moment the announcement or the results of what we’re doing together comes out, he won’t feel so trapped or be worried about me calling him husband.
Expressing has never been a thing for me, especially not a luxury or a way that I could have learned when I was younger. My disorder is a blessing and a curse; there’s times when my feelings should have been hurt but I’m stone faced about it and a curse, in times where I should be able to show something, to feel something towards another person but it never came. Luckily, I haven’t been put in a situation where I need to show some other man that he needs to stay with me because there is love here, this arrangement isn’t that and I wouldn’t make it that because we want different things at the end of it all.
Enrique didn’t sign that contract because he loves me, he signed it for his own reasons, one that doesn’t have my name written as a concern. That is the only way we’re going to succeed in this fake marriage that has now been exposed to the public eye. The divorce that was going to be quiet, will be messy and I already know where the fingers will be pointed to… The icy bitch who doesn’t give a fuck about anything.
Taking a deep breath, I step out of my own thoughts as I get out of the shower. I take my time towel-drying my hair, doing my night routine and when I finally leave the restroom, Enrique isn’t in the room. Without thought, I head to the walk-in looking for a nightgown. My eyes scan and notice some of his clothes missing from the hanger, I don’t have to look around my room to know he left. My brow twitches and that’s as much emotion as I can muster at the moment, taking a deep breath, I get dressed in a nightgown and robe as I grab my phone.
The only thing I have left to consider is how are we going to proceed if I’m served divorce papers before I’m pregnant or how can I spin this to be an annulment without people thinking I’m going to fire my COO.