Page 109 of Cruel King
“That was Theo.”
She exhales a heavy sigh before handing me back my sketchbook. “Thank you for showing me this.”
When she lets her hand linger on my leg, I cover it with my hand and give her finger a tiny squeeze. “I just wanted to see if I could make you smile again.”
Ava turns her head to look at me and sighs. “You did. Thank you.”
I stand to leave, and she says, “I like that you’re growing a beard.”
When I look back at her, I shrug. “I haven’t felt like shaving these past few days.”
“It makes you look older, more distinguished. I like it.”
She lies back on the bed and closes her eyes, so I return to my room, happy I could at least do something to bring a smile back to her face. It’s not huge progress, but it’s something.
And I can hope it’s the first step.
A week later,Ava joins me for dinner for a second time. I’m surprised to see her showered and dressed in different clothes from the sweatpants and T-shirt she’s been wearing for weeks.
“What is that you’re eating?” she asks as she sits down at the table across from me.
“Ham. I was going to bring you some in a little while since I know it’s your favorite. Would you like me to get you a plate?”
She nods and gives me a tiny smile. “Yes, thank you. I’m feeling particularly hungry today, and I thought I smelled ham this afternoon. My mouth has been watering ever since.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Eleanor hurry around the other side of the kitchen preparing a plate for Ava. A minute later, she sets it down in front of her and says, “Ham with boiled baby red potatoes and butter and garlic green beans. Two of them are your favorites, so eat up, okay?”
Ava looks up at her and nods. “I will. And the garlic green beans are one of Matthias’s favorites.”
“That’s right. If I knew you were coming down to dinner, I would have made carrots too, though.”
Shaking her head, Ava looks over at me. “It’s okay. I like garlic green beans too.”
I watch her eat more than she has in weeks, nearly finishing all the food Eleanor put on her plate. Two slices of ham and almost all the potatoes and beans later, Ava nudges the plate away from her and stands up to leave.
“Thank you, Eleanor. That tasted great.”
Before she leaves, I scramble to say something that will keep her down here, even for a few minutes more. “There’s pie too. Apple pie. Your favorite.”
She looks over at Eleanor and smiles. “I’m not hungry anymore, but maybe tomorrow if there’s any left I’ll have some. I think I’m tired now, so I’m going to go upstairs.”
With each time she walks away to go to Theo’s room, I feel like I’m losing more of her. More of us. She’s trapped in that depression stage, and I don’t know what to do to get her out of it.
I openthe door to Theo’s bedroom and see Ava in his bed, like always. My heart clenches in my chest as I stand there watching her and waiting for her to look at me.
She never does.
I feel like an intruder in this room. I don’t belong here. I’m not the King brother she wants to see.
When I walk around the bed, I see her clutching that picture of the two of them to her as she sleeps. It’s as if inch by inch, she’s slipping away from me in front of my eyes.
Every fear of loss and abandonment I’ve struggled to overcome since my mother’s death threatens to overwhelm me. I desperately want Ava to open her eyes and tell me she’s still here. She’s still mine.
But she remains silent, and my fears begin their vicious dance inside me.
I kneel next to the bed as I try to convince myself this isn’t like my mother or my father or even Theo. Ava is still alive. She’s right here with me. I haven’t lost her completely yet.
Leaning close to her, I gently press my forehead to hers, needing to feel her against me. It’s been so long since she’s been in my arms. I miss her almost more than I can handle, and I don’t know what to do about that because the doctor keeps talking about her depression and how it’s important I don’t make it worse by forcing her to move on.