Page 110 of Cruel King

I wait for her to open her eyes, but she doesn’t, so I remain there in front of her, my forehead pressed to hers as I whisper the truth I live with every hour of the day. “Don’t leave me to live this life alone. Please. I can’t handle losing you both. Not you and Theo. Stay with me, Ava. I’ll do whatever I need to if you’ll stay with me.”

All I get in response is silence.

I wait for what seems like hours for her to open her eyes and tell me she hasn’t left me. She never does. I walk back to my room and prepare to be up all night like I am every night. I sleep in brief spurts that punctuate the hours I spend sketching because it’s the only thing that brings me even the tiniest reprieve from my mourning and her sadness.

As I settle in with my sketchbook in my lap, I admit the terrible truth I can’t deny. I’ve begun to lose hope that Ava and I will ever be happy together again.

CHAPTERFORTY-TWO

Ava

I listenas the rain begins to taper off, the midday storm finally ending after nearly an hour. The air smells fresh and clean like it always does after a rainstorm. I take a deep breath in and hold it in my lungs before letting it out slowly. When Theo and I were kids, he loved a good, drenching rain. He used to say everything seemed new after a storm.

For a few seconds, tears well in my eyes, but then I look out the window and see Matthias walking the grounds. He’s alone, as always, and I can’t help but notice his shoulders are hunched a little today. Maybe he’s remembering how much his brother loved the rain today too.

I shake my head, still not able to believe we’ll never see Theo again. Never hear him joke about something. Never see him smile that crooked smile that reminded me of a pirate.

My emotions well up inside me as I think of another never we have to live with now. We’ll never be able to make him understand how sorry we were for all that happened. I know it haunts Matthias that he and Theo never reconciled. I still can’t accept that my best friend won’t someday show up at my door wearing a big smile and ask me one more time to play our game.

No, it’s too much to bear. I know it’s true, but I can’t handle that right now.

With one last look at Matthias, I watch him walk out of view before I lie down again. Maybe if I sleep a little I’ll feel better.

I openmy eyes after a short nap and see the sun shining in through the window. It’s a beautiful early autumn day. Is it really that late in the year?

Two months.

That’s how long it’s been since that horrible moment when Matthias told me Theo was gone. Two months of crying and regrets, of feeling like I might never be happy again because my best friend was taken from me.

It hasn’t been all terrible, though. The time Matthias and I sat looking at that drawing of Theo in the pool made me happy. And getting to eat dinner with him lately has been nice.

Tonight, I’m going to try to not hide away from the world in this room. I’m still mourning Theo, but for the first time today, I don’t feel like my grief is smothering me.

I felt this way a few days ago, but then I talked myself out of trying to live like a normal person again because it seemed too soon. I loved Theo for all my life, so two months didn’t seem like enough time to say goodbye.

But then I saw Matthias walking across the grass when I looked out the window this afternoon after that rainstorm came through, and as I lay there thinking about never seeing Theo again, it dawned on me that Matthias has had no one to help him mourn the loss of his brother in all this time. Suddenly, I felt like I could breathe again and knew I needed to try to be there for him.

So I showered and put makeup on so I could feel like a person again for the first time in months. Dressed in my navy-blue tank dress, I look in the mirror over Theo’s dresser and can’t believe how thin I look. That comes from not eating right for eight weeks. What I look like doesn’t matter.

All that matters is I don’t feel like dying today.

With one last glance around his room, I silently say my final farewell to my best friend I loved all my life. Tears fill my eyes, but tonight, I will them away. I’ve mourned for Theo, but now it’s time to return to living.

After I set the picture of the two of us down on his bed, I turn off the light and in the darkness, I whisper, “Goodbye, Theo.”

I pad down the hallway in my bare feet to Matthias’s room and knock on his door. As I wait, I think that maybe he won’t want to have me back with him. I’ve spent two months hidden away in his brother’s room. It never occurred to me how much that must have hurt Matthias until this moment.

His door opens, and he looks at me with such happiness in his eyes that I know he’ll take me back. He says nothing. He simply opens his arms to hug me. When I step into his embrace, it’s like I can finally exhale as he wraps his arms around me and holds me tight.

“I’m sorry, Matthias. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me. Can you forgive me?” I whisper against his T-shirt that smells like the lemon-scented detergent Eleanor uses for the wash.

He doesn’t say a word, but when I look up at him, he smiles. “There’s nothing to forgive.”

Taking me by the hand, he leads me over to his bed. His sketchbook is open, and as I sit down, he turns to a new page and begins drawing me.

“Thank you for opening the door when I knocked.”

He looks over at me and nods. “Always.”