Page 112 of Cruel King

I love you.

M.

He doesn’t lookat me as he focuses on drawing my hair, so I touch his leg with my hand while I try to think of what to say. How will I ever make up for leaving him alone when he needed me most?

I move to the next letter, wishing it would be easier but knowing I have to understand nothing’s been easy for him these past few months. Guilt fills me, but it’s more than that. It’s heartbreak at how lonely he was that he felt like he had to write me letters to try to reach me.

Ava,

I stood outside Theo’s bedroom door for nearly half an hour wishing I knew the right words to say to make you feel better tonight. It’s been a week since the funeral, and I feel you slipping away with every minute you stay in there. I want to carry you out and back to my bed, but the doctor says it’s better for you to stay there. When I finally opened the door, you were in the same spot as you were this afternoon holding that picture of the two of you.

I don’t want to feel guilty, but I do because even as I mourn the loss of Theo, I can’t help but be so jealous I hate him sometimes. It’s wrong. I know that, but I can’t help it.

God, I love you.

M.

When I lookup from the letter with tears in my eyes, I see Matthias staring at me. “I hope you don’t think less of me now that you read that letter. That day was particularly hard.”

“You don’t have to explain anything to me. Like you said, everyone mourns in their own way.”

He nods and returns to drawing as I set that letter aside and move on to the next one. That letter and three more after it break my heart as I read word after word he could tell no one so he wrote them down on these sheets of notebook paper.

When I get to the last letter, I don’t know if I can keep reading. This is too hard. I wanted tonight to be a fresh start for us, and these are ruining that.

I cringe at my selfishness. Matthias needed me when he wrote these letters, and I wasn’t there for him. The least I can do is read them to understand the pain he was going through.

With my mind filling with trepidation at what I’ll find in this last one, I unfold the sheet of paper and feel my chest contract like someone’s got my heart in a vice. How could I have left him to deal with all of this pain by himself? I don’t know how he found it in him to let me in tonight after all he’s gone through.

Ava,

I just told you this as I watched you sleep and know you didn’t hear me. It doesn’t matter. I don’t have any other words tonight but these.

Don’t leave me to live this life alone. Please. I can’t handle losing you both. Not you and Theo. Stay with me, Ava. I’ll do whatever I need to if you’ll stay with me.

I love you so much, but today was the hardest day of them all because I’m afraid I’ve lost you for good. Come back to me. Please. I’ll do whatever you want me to if you’ll only come back to me.

M.

Tears roll downmy cheeks as my emotions get the best of me. I never meant to hurt him like this. After all he went through, he had to watch me stay in his brother’s room and believe he was losing me.

I take his hand in mine and gently squeeze it as he lifts his gaze from his sketchbook. “I’m so sorry, Matthias. You had to deal with losing your brother, and then you thought you were losing me. I didn’t mean to do that to you. How can you ever forgive me?”

He smiles and pulls me to him to kiss me before wiping my tears away. “I’m just happy you’re here with me tonight.”

I look up into his eyes full of love for me and know I don’t deserve it. “Why? I’ve done so many things to hurt you. I can say I didn’t mean to, but that doesn’t change the fact that I hurt you so much when I left and then when I was with Theo and these past two months.”

“I missed you, Ava. I think this time was worse than when you left after the blizzard because you were right here in the house with me, so close but I couldn’t reach you.”

Pulling him to me, I softly kiss his lips and whisper against them, “I love you. Thank you for everything.”

With a smile, he whispers, “Always.”

“I promise I’ll make it up to you, Matthias. I promise.”

He returns to sketching me, and as I watch him, enthralled by how talented he truly is, he says in a low voice, “Ava, I’ve been seeing someone.”

With only those five words, my blood runs cold. Tears instantly fill my eyes as I tell myself I deserve this. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most, so how could I be angry he’s turned to someone else? I spent the last two months mourning in his brother’s room while he watched me cry over another man.